Is this how people who's loved one is going through cancer behave / or did I do something wrong ?

[candlestixers]

A good friend's mother was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. I supported my friend a lot during this time. Suddenly friend stopped speaking to me about anything really and I got the hint that she wasn't up for speaking anymore. Eventually I brought it up and she told me that she had absolutely no space for anything at the moment. I told friend that I would be there, any time she needed me. I stayed put, gave space.

I very occasionally sent a message to make sure friend knew I was there. Eventually we saw each other at a couple of parties etc and spoke normally. Slowly after a while our relationship went back to what it was. It took a couple of years and her mother recovered. We were good friends again and my friend thanked me for sticking around, even though she had been unable to be there for me and hadn't been a good friend. ( her words ). I didn't think she'd been a bad friend really. In any case, all was fine.

Her mother then got sick again and this time it was terminal unfortunately. Friend did the same thing again and stopped wanting to talk to me/ see me. Both times though, I did notice that she was still talking to others ( of course she can do what she wants ) but I felt that maybe it was something about me- or how I behaved that caused her to stop wanting to talk to me. Anyway, again, I let her be- and told her I would be there for her if she needed me. Radio silence from friend, unless there was a mutual event we had both been invited to. I would receive a text a few weeks before, saying she hopes I'm well and is thinking of me etc. I would always reply and all would be nice. I would try and make an effort to see if she wanted to reconnect again, perhaps meet my children who'd been born during this period of time etc. she'd say yes of course, but never actually did it or followed up. Basically, friend continued to hold me at arms length massively ever since. She did tell me her mother passed a couple of years ago, which I was very sad to hear and again I reached out occasionally to check up on her.

It's a complicated story with lots of ins and outs and periods where she has communicated - followed by continued periods of not communicating at all.

My question is mainly, can the loss of a parent or parent being sick, cause you to pretty much lose touch with your best friend for 4 or more years ? Or is it there more to it ? Can anyone who's been through this share how it affected their friendships ? I've really tried to be there for this friend at every turn and have always taken her lead on how much she wants to communicate. I know it's not about me, but after 4 years, it does kind of hurt. Especially when I know she is happy to see other mutual friends, but any time we talk and try to arrange something, she always lets me down in the end. My life has changed massively during this time and I've given birth to two kids, she's never met. Never said congratulations or anything like that. We are basically strangers now. But I can't help but feel like I should still be there for her and it makes me a bad friend if I'm not ? Because of course, she's suffered such a terrible loss. But this ' friendship does not make me feel good at all. I occasionally hear from her, it's not a friendship anymore anyway.

You still may be old ladies together. Sometimes with long term friendships you just need to maintain one little thread that will allow you to find your way back to each other - the odd text or birthday card can be enough - and you can re-engage properly further down the line if you both want to.

You’ve both been through a lot in the last 4 years and are at different life stages at the moment. The advent of kids can drive a wedge into even the closest friendships, as can the loss of a parent - both are profoundly life-changing events which you can only really relate to if you’ve experienced them first hand, and when friends’ lives suddenly run out of synch in such important ways, it can be hard to maintain closeness.

Like other posters, I cut all contact with close friends when I was in the thick of deep grief because it was as much as I could do to keep my shit together. I just didn’t have the bandwidth for exhausting, emotional conversations about it all with well-meaning friends. Some of those friendships never really got back on track, but it definitely wasn’t personal on my part.

If you feel your history together is ultimately worth preserving then you can keep in touch with minimal effort and hope your paths converge again in the future. But there’s no shame either in letting it fade away gently if you feel it’s run its course for you.

When my DH was going through a cancer relapse I think I kind of did this to my closest friend. Her check in messages seemed really superficial and also always arrived on a Friday afternoon like it was a weekly 'oh I best check in on What'. It didn't feel very natural, but also quite clumsy in the way she would talk

"Just popping in to let you know XX had a great day at school! Hope H is feeling strong 💪🏼 ✨ "

And also

"Let me know when you want a visitor"
I didn't want visitors because I didn't want the pressure of having to host her (she lived 2hrs away)
This is in contrast to another friend (who lived even further away) who would text me and said "I'm coming to take you for coffee on Sunday if you're about?" That was so much easier - zero pressure on me, I knew we would have a coffee and catch up and then friend 2 would leave.

I spent a lot of time self reflecting because friend 1 was my best friend from childhood and each time a message arrived it would just annoy me. But I realised I was being selfish, but actually I needed to be. She often came with her own complicated baggage and I just didn't have the mental capacity for it. I wanted no pressure but also a very specific type of support. I was very self absorbed at the time.

This resonates with me. Even though I've not been through, what you've been through- when I'm in a bad place - everything annoys me even more. If a friend slightly annoyed me before, then my negative mindset would find more and more reasons to feel annoyed at them when I'm in a dark place. That message about your DH feeling strong etc with the arm thing would really annoy me too. It's not a time for bloody emojis, surely ???

I think it's really hard to know what to say to people going through stuff, but we should ALL seriously get better at it. I think people mean well, but some of it does seem so superficial. I spoke with my friend about this and we agreed that sometimes, the friend trying to support - just saying ' I am so sorry and I feel at a loss of what to say and how to support you ' actually really helps. Then trying to always say stuff, that seems meaningless.

Also I dispose toxic positivity, especially towards a person grieving / going through cancer etc.

Anyway,I'm sure I said some dumb stuff, but I really tried not to.

Yes I think because she was my closest ever friend it annoyed me that she wasn't supporting me exactly how I wanted/needed. Although that's not her fault as I didn't communicate with her how to. I feel like because she knows me inside out she should've been better. But Tbh I didn't even really know what support would have helped, which was why I really appreciated friend 2 because it was exactly what was needed. I needed to remember that some people just aren't good at saying the right things in such horrific times and that's not their fault - she had never experienced anything as difficult so it didn't come naturally. Whereas friend 2 had lost and nursed both parents through cancer.
I'm not making much sense but basically don't be too hard on yourself or her

I behaved almost identically to this with all my closest friends when my Dad died of cancer when I was 23. Some of those friendships recovered, some didn’t. Honestly the story is almost identical. For me, I just needed to pull into my closest, closest circle - my Mum and my now-husband. I had no space for anyone or anything else. It meant so much when people reached out but I just couldn’t respond, it was so so hard.

My only advice would be that the friendships I had that didn’t recover were mainly down to my own embarrassment at how distant I’d been during that period of time. I had a very close friend who was great with checking in and sent me a lovely care package, and I felt paralysed by embarrassment at how AWOL I’d been in our relationship, which meant I just stopped getting in touch at all. I regret that so much. There’s nothing it sounds like you’re doing wrong - but if you want the friendship to continue just make sure when/if she reaches out she knows she doesn’t have to make amends or catch up or anything. Honestly, you sound like a great friend.

I’ve lost contact with a few friends. I was putting all my mental and physical energy into helping caring and dividing myself between everyone who needed me. I couldn’t handle keeping those friends relationships going as well. It wasn’t them, it was me but now time has passed and our friendships seem as if they were from a different lifetime.

Really interesting thread. I've had experiences on both sides of this OP. Recently I've had a friend pull right back from me. She's always been a bit flaky but we used to have a good time when we did meet up. She has had a very tough few years involving divorce and bereavement, and my god I did a lot of listening and supporting. Now I've had two bereavements in the past year and she's pretty much nowhere to be seen. It's pretty shit, and I don't know what's going on, but there's nothing I can do really, and she's obviously not the friend I thought she was

On the other hand, I distanced myself from another friend after she had her two children. I was just floored by sadness and envy, quite out of the blue, and found it so painful to be around her. There was more to it than that, but ultimately she asked for a break from the friendship and I never heard from her again. Maybe I should have told her how I was feeling but I was very ashamed, and how do you share your irrational feelings of anger and betrayal with someone? Messy, messy, painful stuff

So I hear you OP, and it's very painful, but in your shoes I would be done with the friendship

You mention you had 2 kids during the time she was dealing with illness and then death. I think that probably had a lot to do with it. While you were bringing in life, she was grieving. Quite selfishly and understandable, she might not have felt up to sharing your joy or didn't want to drag you down at such a happy time for you. It's also probably the reason she avoided meeting your kids, as it's a reminder of all she was going through. Maybe?
I'd continue to respond to the odd msg here and there and maybe when the time is right, you can rekindle your friendship.

I totally understand we have been in such different places. But a few of our friends have had kids during this time and she's actually met them and hung out with them. So I can't really help but take it personally a bit..

During Covid I lost my younger brother in a traumatic way, and my dad.

I’ll be honest, I maybe only spoke to a couple of very good friends who were persistent with me in that year and a half. I was fully focussed on my family
(Mum/siblings) plus dealing with funerals, probate, work. It was draining year even after they died in terms of paperwork.

You end up as a different person, and some friends do slide away due to lack of emotional space.