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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to a weekend get together

56 replies

Merchantadventurer · 30/11/2022 08:32

I have a weekend away planned with some old school friends this weekend. It was planned with me in mind as the others have seen each other over the years as they live close but as I moved a fair distance away I have lost touch.

The primary reason for doing it now is that I have stage 4 cancer. I have felt fairly well but suffering now with some long term after affects of covid and medication side effects.

I had warned on booking I would probably only make one night as I wasn’t hugely well but things are getting worse and now I feel I can’t make it at all. I am struggling with fatigue and it has limited my mobility etc hugely. I can barely get dressed or get downstairs some days!

I messaged the organiser yesterday to say I would not be able to come and made sure to offer to pay my share for a two night stay. She has not replied.

I am now doubting myself. Should I have left it later to cancel? Should I have tried my best to go? Any advice or comments appreciated!

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/11/2022 10:33

maddy68 · 30/11/2022 10:25

Why don't you pay and saysybe you were premature in caneling because you feel shitty right now. But you will see how you are then ...

If you can go , go you will have since fun

You don't suddenly feel better when you have stage 4 cancer and if op cannot face going or even summon up the energy to get dressed at the momoment, she isn't going to have the energy to have fun. All it will do is wipe her out even more

chikp · 30/11/2022 10:34

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 30/11/2022 10:06

I can't believe people on here saying OP should "try and go" it's stage 4 cancer for fuck sake not tonsillitis!!

Yes it's shocking

longtompot · 30/11/2022 10:39

I think it's really sad that your friends haven't got back to you straight away. I only hope they are trying to reorganise it to come to you so you don't need to go anywhere

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 30/11/2022 10:41

You should do whatever you think is best for you! If that means cancelling that's totally fine.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 30/11/2022 10:43

longtompot · 30/11/2022 10:39

I think it's really sad that your friends haven't got back to you straight away. I only hope they are trying to reorganise it to come to you so you don't need to go anywhere

That's my hope, I'm sure they are trying to see what they can do!

FatimaHatima · 30/11/2022 10:46

It depends if you would actually like to or not, because there may be things that others could do to faciliate you going if you want to but can't see how to do it in a way that suits you?

For example, if you would like to go but can't manage the train, can a friends pick you up? I would if you were my friend, I wouldn't want you to be getting the train.

If you would prefer not to, or kjust can't be fucked, that's also fine too. As others have said, you need to prioritise your needs.

BecauseICan22 · 30/11/2022 10:47

chikp · 30/11/2022 08:48

If you can't make it you can't make it. They should understand and possibly even offer to come to yours to say hello if you're up for it.

I agree with this.

If stage 4 Cancer doesn't get you a free pass with something like this, I don't know what will.

If I was your friend I'd absolutely come and see you at home and I'd completely understand that the weekend is just too much for you right now.

I hope things improve for you soon.

BecauseICan22 · 30/11/2022 10:48

Merchantadventurer · 30/11/2022 09:18

The meet up is an hour or so away. I would be getting the train as there is no way I could do the drive. The thought of walking to the train etc etc feels overwhelming.

I know I need to make an effort but the whole thing just makes me want to cry really!

Don't go, this sounds horrible. You don't need to do anything to make anyone else feel happy with you.

Please just do what works for you.

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 10:49

Merchantadventurer · 30/11/2022 09:18

The meet up is an hour or so away. I would be getting the train as there is no way I could do the drive. The thought of walking to the train etc etc feels overwhelming.

I know I need to make an effort but the whole thing just makes me want to cry really!

Tell them this! Could one of them drive you? If the reason for the meet us is you then maybe someone could do that? There should be no expectation on you. Can they come to you instead? Sorry you are going through this x

DillyDallyDooo · 30/11/2022 10:50

And to the 5% heartless fuckers who voted you are being unreasonable....no words!!! x

SalviaOfficinalis · 30/11/2022 10:51

If you really don’t want to go, then absolutely don’t go.

If it’s just that you don’t feel you can make the journey but would enjoy being there, could you ask if someone can collect you? (Assuming the others are driving).

In any case, don’t feel bad. You’re in a horrible situation and the usual social niceties don’t apply.

Peashoots · 30/11/2022 11:02

Could you ask if they could come to you, op? You’re definitely not unreasonable. X

mickandrorty · 30/11/2022 11:04

absolutely not, if you don't feel up to it you don't feel up to it! you need to prioritise you and looking after yourself please don't try and force yourself into doing more than you feel you can do.

poefaced · 30/11/2022 11:08

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 30/11/2022 10:06

I can't believe people on here saying OP should "try and go" it's stage 4 cancer for fuck sake not tonsillitis!!

Agreed. Can’t believe what I’m reading.

Hope you are able to rest OP Flowers

MRSDoos · 30/11/2022 11:14

You’ve done the best thing for you OP. Give yourself some grace, please don’t feel bad. If they are real friends they’ll completely understand. Of course they’re probably upset and wanted to see you - but they’ll get over it.

rookiemere · 30/11/2022 11:29

Huge sympathy for you OP.

It's entirely possible that the organiser has just been busy and not had time to reply, or needs a bit of time to craft an appropriate concerned response.

catmum88 · 30/11/2022 11:35

Cannot believe the people saying 'try and push through' - have you ever suffered from Stage 4 cancer? Don't feel pressured OP, do what's right for you and given the circumstances your friends should understand.

mast0650 · 30/11/2022 11:36

Of course you shouldn't go if you feel too ill and you shouldn't feel bad about that for one second!!!

The only thing I would suggest is that if you feel up to it then you ring one of your friends (the organizer, or someone you feel closer to) and actually speak to them rather than just sending a message. Then you can explain properly how ill you feel and how much you'd like to go otherwise. Maybe keep option the possibility of going if you feel better (sounds like it is all booked and paid anyway) and talk about ways they could make it easier for you.

You poor thing.

badgermushrooms · 30/11/2022 12:04

I would come and get you and drive you there, if the train is the main issue. Or if you just couldn't handle any of it I'd come to you, with cake. But that's because DH has cancer and a close friend did before that, so I've seen how much treatment can take it out of you. You might need to spell it out to them, be clear that you want to see them and explain what you need to make it happen. If they are good friends they will be grateful for it and you won't come across as at all unreasonable.

chocolatebrownie68 · 30/11/2022 12:20

the location shouldn't have been booked if it didn't have a generous cancellation policy. that put unfair pressure on you.

KateBalesCardi · 30/11/2022 12:42

If your friends are anything less than completely understanding then they're not real friends. Please don't add any sort of guilt to your plate, you have enough to contend with. I would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever worked for you (having asked you directly what that would be) in your friend's shoes, whether that be moving the meet up nearer to you or understanding that you're not well enough to make it at all. I hope that's the response you get OP Flowers

AFS1 · 30/11/2022 12:43

It may be that the organiser is messaging round the other people to see if they can come to you or do something nearer to you. If she’s a genuine friend she will completely understand why you need to cancel.

You’ve done the right thing. There were times when my mum was wiped out just by people visiting. You must prioritise your health.

Best wishes.

rookiemere · 30/11/2022 12:58

chocolatebrownie68 · 30/11/2022 12:20

the location shouldn't have been booked if it didn't have a generous cancellation policy. that put unfair pressure on you.

I think that's a bit unfair on the organiser. It's really hard to get something that suits everybody and if it has say a 7 day cancellation, that would normally be good enough for most people. Also if OP is sharing a room, then that room is still needed.

This is not in any way to lessen my sympathy for OP. I just read this a lot on MN about what organiser could or should do, and as the one who usually organises things - it's a thankless task.

DDivaStar · 30/11/2022 13:05

I'm so sorry you're ill.

Of course if you don't feel up to it don't go.

In all honesty j don't know why your friends would expect you to travel and stay away from home. Surley it would've made more sense to arrange something close to you and your friends travel.

chocolatebrownie68 · 30/11/2022 13:12

rookiemere · 30/11/2022 12:58

I think that's a bit unfair on the organiser. It's really hard to get something that suits everybody and if it has say a 7 day cancellation, that would normally be good enough for most people. Also if OP is sharing a room, then that room is still needed.

This is not in any way to lessen my sympathy for OP. I just read this a lot on MN about what organiser could or should do, and as the one who usually organises things - it's a thankless task.

Show quote history

Are you the organiser??

OP isn't "everyone". She has stage 4 cancer and has said event "was planned with me in mind as the others have seen each other over the years as they live close"

A poor cancellation policy is stupid for someone with stage 4 cancer. The organisation could also have just looked at meeting somewhere nice for lunch or something and if the OP felt well enough, then done more. Give her a break!