Seeing dd school work when she doesn't want me to !

[lollipoprainbow]

Dd10 autistic hates school etc. At the end of each term they have a 'fab finish' where parents are invited to see their child's work. Last term my dd didn't want me to go and got all upset and embarrassed. She has another one on Friday and again she doesn't want me to go. I can't bring myself not to go, I've seen other children before whose parents haven't gone and they sit there looking a bit sad and other parents look at their work instead. Do I do and embarrass and upset my dd or look like a shit parent for not bothering to go?!

My DD won't allow me to see school work either. I respect her wishes.

I think at ten they don’t tell you how to parent. I’d not see how you parent effectively if you aren’t ‘allowed’ to engage with the school.

As a parent I felt I needed to see their level of attainment to give context to grades. It also helped me identify areas that we might be able to support at home without it being 'homework'.

You're the adult in this situation, I don't think their discomfort comes in to it personally.

It's not like they can hide grades from you, or lack of attendance. As the adult you are responsible for their attendance at school and in encouraging their effort outside of school.

Tough shit. You're the parent. It's important that you know how she's getting on.

I’d not see how you parent effectively if you aren’t ‘allowed’ to engage with the school

Never heard of parents evening?

This is a parents event. Like a parents evening.

Why doesn’t she want you to go?

@biggerbetterfasterstronger she has ASD she's very shy and anxious and says she feels embarrassed at me coming in to see her classroom and work.

Would she agree to pick just two or three bits for you to look at?

Do I do and embarrass and upset my dd or look like a shit parent for not bothering to go?!

I think you respect your Daughter over how you think you will be perceived by people who don't matter.

It sounds to me like she'd rather not be at the event at all, if she doesn't want you seeing her work then i'm sure she doesn't want all the other parents either. I think I'd request that she not be involved and see if she could just sit and read a book somewhere while it was all going on. It's not anything that she needs to do and is surely supposed to be a real positive - if it's not a positive for her then what's the point.

However if you get to look at all her books and talk to her teacher then that's different - those bits are important to see how she's doing and if there's anything you can do to support her. It's very sad that she hates school - I'd be looking very carefully at why and what more could be done to support her.

I wouldn’t go, if she feels that strongly about it. Could you ask her teacher to send over a few bits of her work?

I'd ask the teacher about sending some work home so you can look at it without the stress of this big event for her.

I would talk to the teacher. There may well be a compromise they can find, maybe she brings a couple of pieces home or just shows her favourite subjects in the school library, not the classroom. Encouraging her to share the worry and looking for a solution together is good practice for her.

I wouldn’t accept that to be honest. You are responsible for them, that includes having responsibility for their education. It’s just simple parenting to know how your child is doing academically, it’s not a private matter for them in my opinion. It’s like not wanting your parent seeing what you eat or which route you’re taking to school. But as above, is it worth the conflict? I would ask the teacher to send maybe a photo in an email or something to avoid the stress for now.

Is she struggling with two mixing? My dc with asd struggles with school being school and home is home and they should not mix. Hw is fun!
Would she compromise on you coming in and just having a chat with her and bot looking at her books?

How did she cope with home schooling and homework?
Lots of children with ASD struggle with home life and school colliding which is why so many found homeschooling impossible, they compartmentalise the two areas.

Does she have to go with you? Could you ask for her books to be brought to a meeting room or similar instead of in the classroom?

I think respecting her wishes if it is going to upset her is the appropriate stance. These sessions surely are meant to be a bit of a fun celebration of the term and chance to say well done. If your child feels uncomfortable in that scenario then I would respect that. I am sure there are other ways for you to see her work, when she brings it back to do homework or in parents meeting or if you have any concerns you could maybe ask to pop in at the end of the day to have a look when there aren't lots of people around.

I think you go but don't look at her work at the event (if you are worried about her work you could talk to her teacher at a different time).

Go along and sit with her and talk about the displays and a few other topics you could prepare in advance if you think it'll be awkward keeping a conversation going with other parents around. Or if your daughter prefers both take a novel and sit in supportive quiet!

Twll her first that you want to be there to support her because you love her and are proud to be her mother and most of the class will have a parent there, but you won't look at her work.

Is it after school? Could you be sly about it and have a look while her dad takes her out? Tbh this is not something I would miss for any reason

This event is not the same as parents evening at which progress / needs etc. are discussed. It's a liaison opportunity.

I would accept your dd's wishes.

Most primary schools send every piece of art, books, physical etc.home at the end of the year.

Not wanting your parents to know which route you take to school and secretive behaviour around eating are more fundamentally worrying than being shy about "showing off" your school work in a performative way in full view of your classmates and their parents!

Safety issues are fundamental to parenting. Oversight of academics doesn't have to be public.

I can't bring myself not to go, I've seen other children before whose parents haven't gone and they sit there looking a bit sad and other parents look at their work instead. This makes no sense, as you are not parenting those children, you are parenting your DD, who has expressed clearly they will be unhappy if you do go.

If your DD has a diagnosis of Autism, the school can make a reasonable adjustment and either allow you a quiet look at another time (to suit the teacher) or take a couple of pics and email them to you.

I would respect my child's wishes.

Yes they do - since GDPR they prefer to make the disposal the parents' problem!