Mum constantly asking to borrow money

[ForgetBarbie]

My mum has been asking to borrow money since I was a teenager but now it’s getting a bit ridiculous. For context, I’m 23 with two kids under the age of two. I’m currently on maternity leave with my youngest so money’s already tight because of that. We’re also going through a cost of living crisis fgs!

My mum and I have never had a great relationship for various reasons. When I was 18 working full time (earing around £950) she would charge me £400/£500 to contribute towards bills. I still had to do my own food shopping too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with charging a young adult board but my mum told me a couple years ago that she didn’t really need it. Her rent was paid by housing benefit so she really just took advantage simply because she could. Alongside the amount I’d give her, she’d constantly ask to borrow money. She’d always say ‘you can say no if you don’t want to give it’ but when I’d say no, she’d complain or throw a strop or give the silent treatment.

All of that is slightly irrelevant but I just wanted to explain that this isn’t a new thing because she’s struggling with money or anything like that. I have two kids and my mum currently doesn’t work due to extreme mental health issues. She’s always asking to borrow money off of me and I can’t take it anymore. Two weeks won’t go by without her not asking. £10 here, £30 here, £40 here. She always gives it back but that’s not the point. I have two kids to care for and I don’t understand why she doesn’t take that into consideration. It’s not as if I have money to waste.

It’s getting to the point now where I’m having to lie and say ‘oh sorry I just paid a bill so no money’ or ‘sorry I’m waiting for a refund to come back into my account.’ The last time I said that I wouldn’t borrow her money she kept on messaging me saying ‘why not’ and
‘if you have money then why wouldn’t you want to help me.’ I’ve even said mum sorry I really won’t be able to help you out anymore. She’ll say okay no problem and then she’s asking me for £20 a week later.

A couple years ago she fell out with my older cousin but she was constantly asking to borrow money and my cousin finally put a stop to it. My mum then stopped talking to her. The worst thing that really gets me is when my mum will say ‘pls can you borrow me X amount, your younger sister and I don’t have anything to eat.’ So I feel like the bad guy if I don’t help them. Someone pls help me?! Am I being U and should I just keep helping her out simply because she’s my mum?

I forgot to say, if I had a better relationship with my mum I’d probably be happy to help if she was genuinely struggling. However my mum gets quite a lot from UC and PIP. She also spends her days smoking weed so I just feel like she’s taking the piss asking to borrow money just because her priorities aren’t great. She does have serious mental health issues so I don’t know if I’m being a bitch. I just want to vent to people because I find it quite stressful if I’m really being honest

Your mother is a sponger, and she can't take advantage of you unless you allow it. If she stops talking to you for saying no, so be it. It sounds like it would be a relief, honestly. Tell her plainly you are never giving money to her again.

Do you believe her reasons for asking for help? It sounds like a budgeting issue if she's paying it back. If you're feeling kind you could offer to take a look at her budget with her and see if you can spot a way to stop this happening but yanbu to just say an outright no. My guess is she will still continue to ask no matter what you say though.

You need to tell her you can’t afford to and don’t have the money. Every time.

No, you aren't being a bitch. She wants you to lend her money to buy the weed that has probably caused or contributed to her mh issues. Signpost her to a money advisor and her gp.

If she can afford weed, she can afford to feed your sister. Next time she guilts you with talk about your sister not being able to eat, tell her to send your sister round to y ours where you’ll make her a sandwich.

It's your DM who putting your younger DD at risk. She wants money for weed. The reason she cannot budget is her drug habit.

I do believe the reasons that she gives when she gives them but more often then not she’ll just say ‘can I borrow X amount until this date.’ It’s exactly that! It’s a budgeting issue and I’ve offered so many times to help her budget her money. Because she gets a certain amount on different dates it’s so much easier to budget but she says she doesn’t need help. She’ll just say ‘oh I had so many bills to pay,’ like okay but you still need to manage your money??

She's manipulating you, plain and simple. Don't lend her money again.

This is honestly a great idea. I could say ‘sorry I don’t have any money spare but she can come round and have dinner here.’ I’ve never thought about that so thank you so much. I never want my sister to go hungry or suffer just because of her mum’s choices. I’m sure if I couldn’t borrow money they’d have something to eat even some basic like pasta and tomato sauce

she is abusing you I am afraid. she knows you feel honour bound to lend her the money so she just keeps on asking because she feels you wont say no. if she has money for weed she has money to feed! the time to talk to her is now. dont wait for her to ask for a loan. sit down with her and explain what your financial situation is and how this is now the end of the line. she is financially abusing you and just like other forms of abuse it has to stop and you have to stop it. and yes there is a risk she will go nc but really what have you lost by that? just because she is your mum doesnt automatically make her a nice or loveable person. she is perpetuating the cycle of mental health by smoking weed so she needs to be got off of that and then maybe she has a chance of being a useful member of society instead of a waster and a sponger. see if there are groups in her area and offer to take her along. she will probably say no and then its her loss.

This. How old is your sister?

You know the worst case scenario is that she will stop speaking to you. And I get you may worry about her, but she sounds quite a worry already. You won’t be worse off.

Cut her off for your own mental health. Don’t ever give her a penny again.

Just
Say
No.

You are young and with two children. She needs to stop expecting you to bail her out. If she says why not, tell her that you don't earn a fortune, and have two children to support. End of. Be willing to accept the strops. They're controlling, and nothing to do with mental health.

This is certainly true. She’s been trying to quit for a while but nothing’s been working. In the past I’ve asked why she wants to borrow money or what it’s for and I’ve been told that it isn’t my business. As long as I get the money back then what’s the problem. It’s tiring, really tiring

No, of course you shouldn't. Offer Dsis food at yours instead.

As she is so quick to say your sister won’t have food, you can play the same card with your two children. “Would you take food out of your granddaughters’ mouths mum?”

when she says your sister has no food just say "neither will your grandchildren if you borrow money."

She's obviously borrowing money to fund her weed habit. Don't lend her anymore.

How old is your sibling? I'd be concerned about her living with your mum .

Everyone’s saying exactly what I expected people to say but it seems difficult. My mum has a way of guilt tripping you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong when you haven’t done anything at all. I also suspect that she knows she shouldn’t be asking as sometimes she’ll say ‘can I borrow X amount? This is the last time I’ll ask.’ If I take too long to respond she’ll even delete the message and act like she never asked.

I’ve said no on the past two occasions so will carry it on. It sounds silly but if two years ago you told me to do this even though she might go nc with me, I’d be happy too! Now that I have the kids and they have a great relationship it just makes me sad really

I would say next time she says “me and your sister have no food” I’m sorry to hear that mum, I can pop over some food from my freezer and get you a food bank parcel.

her reaction will tell you all you need to know about whether she actually needs it for food or something else

also why do you need to know what it’s for - because if it’s non essential there are bills etc that you need to pay which are.

My sister is mid teens so can practically look after herself. I’ve been worried about her for a while but there’s no space in my flat for her to live with me. I try and have her other every weekend or after school during the week so she can get a little break from the environment at home. I know I wish I had that when I was younger

Everyone’s saying exactly what I expected people to say but it seems difficult.

It is difficult, because you're asserting a boundary. That's hard when successful attempts have been made to prevent you from having it since your childhood. It doesn't change the fundamentals though and there isn't any answer other than continue doing the difficult thing.

My Mom was like this. She's dead now but dad is the same and I don't like saying no.
This is what I do...
I put £100 aside for my dad.
If he wants to borrow some of it or all of it, he can but if he's borrowed the whole amount, that's it, there's no more.
When he pays it back, I put it back into his 'pot' and it's there for him to borrow again whenever he needs it. And repeat.

Now that I have the kids and they have a great relationship it just makes me sad really

Its not a great relationship though if it’s dependent on you lending her money, ie that you saying “no” would result in her withdrawing that relationship from you and her grandchildren.