Mum constantly asking to borrow money

[ForgetBarbie]

My mum has been asking to borrow money since I was a teenager but now it’s getting a bit ridiculous. For context, I’m 23 with two kids under the age of two. I’m currently on maternity leave with my youngest so money’s already tight because of that. We’re also going through a cost of living crisis fgs!

My mum and I have never had a great relationship for various reasons. When I was 18 working full time (earing around £950) she would charge me £400/£500 to contribute towards bills. I still had to do my own food shopping too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with charging a young adult board but my mum told me a couple years ago that she didn’t really need it. Her rent was paid by housing benefit so she really just took advantage simply because she could. Alongside the amount I’d give her, she’d constantly ask to borrow money. She’d always say ‘you can say no if you don’t want to give it’ but when I’d say no, she’d complain or throw a strop or give the silent treatment.

All of that is slightly irrelevant but I just wanted to explain that this isn’t a new thing because she’s struggling with money or anything like that. I have two kids and my mum currently doesn’t work due to extreme mental health issues. She’s always asking to borrow money off of me and I can’t take it anymore. Two weeks won’t go by without her not asking. £10 here, £30 here, £40 here. She always gives it back but that’s not the point. I have two kids to care for and I don’t understand why she doesn’t take that into consideration. It’s not as if I have money to waste.

It’s getting to the point now where I’m having to lie and say ‘oh sorry I just paid a bill so no money’ or ‘sorry I’m waiting for a refund to come back into my account.’ The last time I said that I wouldn’t borrow her money she kept on messaging me saying ‘why not’ and
‘if you have money then why wouldn’t you want to help me.’ I’ve even said mum sorry I really won’t be able to help you out anymore. She’ll say okay no problem and then she’s asking me for £20 a week later.

A couple years ago she fell out with my older cousin but she was constantly asking to borrow money and my cousin finally put a stop to it. My mum then stopped talking to her. The worst thing that really gets me is when my mum will say ‘pls can you borrow me X amount, your younger sister and I don’t have anything to eat.’ So I feel like the bad guy if I don’t help them. Someone pls help me?! Am I being U and should I just keep helping her out simply because she’s my mum?

It must be so awful to have a parent who acts like your child.

Do you feel as if you can spare the £100 to put it aside for your dad?

I do think she’d continue a relationship with the kids and possibly with myself. However I know she’d just be ‘off’ with me if you know what I mean. Like there’s an underlying issue and it’ll be that I no longer borrow her money

I just want to add that since I’ve had the kids my mum has helped me financially on numerous occasions. Such as giving me £50 for a couple of months just to help me out. So maybe she thinks because she’s helped me that I always need to help her too? Or maybe I’m just making excuses

*I put £100 aside for my dad.

If he wants to borrow some of it or all of it, he can but if he's borrowed the whole amount, that's it, there's no more.

When he pays it back, I put it back into his 'pot' and it's there for him to borrow again whenever he needs it. And repeat.*

You could do a variation of this - ask her to give you £100 to hold for her which you can give her when she runs out of money, if she needs it it’s there for her and each time she gets money she tops it back up to £100. It’s sometimes easier to put money aside just after you’ve been paid and you wouldn’t be out of pocket.

YANBU, keep saying no. Tell her you’re on mat leave and have no money.

However my mum gets quite a lot from UC and PIP.

Why can’t she work? My mum receives PIP but has a genuinely disability.

This is definitely a good idea! I think this is something she may be willing to try too

Do you know how difficult it is to be awarded PIP these days? My mum has a ‘genuine disability’ too. She’s worked all her life until a few years ago

Weed will not be legal, by aiding your mum in smoking it, you are condoning the stabbing to death of young men and the migration in small boats across the English channel.

Say no until she stops smoking, preferably anything legal or not.

My SIL did this to her DM and it didn’t stop until MIL died and we had the bank freeze her account. I was on SIL fb page for a while and would see photos of the new motorbike and other stuff she bought, but she kept that hidden from MIL and was only outed when her brother, my DH, told his mum.

but it too was always about not having enough money to feed the children, who were not young either by the time I met the family…

these people are huge manipulators and won’t allow someone to help (ie budgeting advise) other than with money. They know what they are doing is wrong, but because no one stands up to them, it continues. It’s a form of bullying. I guess your mum feels a sense of entitlement now too because you have borrowed from her… it’s opened the door.

the solution of offering for your Sister to come around for dinner is a great one but longer term is it likely your DM is just going to get more inventive of excuses and needs…? Just brace yourself for that.

my best suggestion is to have a chat with a budgeting organisation, explaining what mum is doing and how it also affects you, so they can see there is a bigger picture and not just about lack of funds. Then make an appointment for both of you to go in to see them to work something budget/support wise for mum.

I suspect she will baulk at this and won’t attend, or find a last minute excuse. But you must be firm with her that this asking all the time stops now, you are organising help for her, and If she won’t go then there is no more money coming from your way….

I know you think you are being kind but you have enabled her by loaning her money. Or when you stop you'll find out she is loaning off someone else. I really don't mean to be unkind. My DM wanted me to parent her as well.

If you feel you cannot say no offer to buy a bag of groceries that she can pay back. Or the solution for having some of her own money for you to keep. Or a meal with you once a week.

I bet she doesn't want these solutions though because the money is feeding her habit.

Either way this cannot continue. It is far too stressful for you, you have your own family to look after and it's not a long term solution for your DM.

So she's not only bullying you, her own child, but also gaslighting by deleting messages if you don't answer/agree to it? Just no. No one deserves to be treated like that, particularly by a parent who is supposed to be the person you can always go to.

Not trying to tell you what to do (!) but really really try to not say 'sorry' at all. Because you're affirming to yourself and projecting onto yourself that you're to blame. And you aren't. 'I can't afford it mum. I have food in the freezer if you need something, or I think there's a food bank on ABC Road'. Don't use the word sorry, or 'I'm afraid not' or anything similar. You have nothing to be sorry for. She is supposed to be your parent, a responsible adult, and if she can afford to smoke that's her choice - she can get help to stop, and spend that money on food.
Just say no. Good luck OP. As a recovering people pleaser, I know its hard. Especially with family, even though you know inside that you shouldn't be sorry to be unable to help with their self inflicted problems

I used to support vulnerable adults in my previous job and this sort of thing was quite common. Some people would take advantage but others like your Mum just didn't have the budgeting skills but would always pay it back. I helped some people to get their UC paid 2x a month instead of once to help with this (i.e. half the payment on the usual date and half two weeks later). Do you think this would help your Mum? Another idea would be to keep a locked cash box for her of her own money (e.g. £100) that she could borrow from and repay. She keeps the key to the cash box so she can't accuse you of taking it.

Shes got money for weed but not for food. I would try and distance yourself a bit

Tell her that you haven't got enough for your own children.
She needs to learn.

If you keep on enabling her she'll never learn.

It's easier said than done, I know, but you simply cannot fund her addiction. You have your own family to feed.
Every pound you give her is one less for your own children.

Your mum us a toxic person

www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-toxic-person

Set a boundary, no more lending money. Stick to it.

is*

My mum used to do this - to spend on hoarding (another addiction) even when I was a student living off my student loan. Best thing I ever did was learn to say no, stick with that and ignore the manipulation. Boundaries are so important!

Did your mother's mental health issues arise through smoking weed OP? I've seen firsthand how weed destroys a person's mental health, psychosis and paranoia, is your sister safe?
I would just say no, flat out no. No putting money aside, no lending. You need out of this cycle it's not fair on you and you're own children.

Let her sit with nothing until her next pay day and then she will get the message that if she doesn't prioritise food and her child then she will have plenty of weed and no food. Let her decide what is more important but as long as you keep rescuing her she won't learn.

Also agree to inviting sister round for dinner but I wouldn't be inviting your mum if she is choosing weed is more important than food.

On the days that you mum has asked, have you checked with your sister, whether there's food?

I'm send a preemptive text eg
'Dm just letting you know I've redone our budget taking into account all the rises in costs. I won't have any spare money to lend you. If you need a copy of the budget I used I can forward it to you?'

Then have a copy and paste answer every time she messages, even if she keeps replying eg

'Mum I don't have any spare money to lend out'

Grey rock, she keeps asking because that technique works for her, you give in. Think of it like winning with a toddler!

Ordinarily I'd support children having a relationship with a grandparent, but it doesn't sound like this relationship would be helpful to them. She'll probably start borrowing off them as soon as she thinks they might have any savings.

If she claims your younger sister has nothing to eat, ask her round for a meal at yours.

If she guilt-trips you, just point out that she could resolve all her problems tomorrow by giving up weed.

Put the boundary in but expect some big-time backlash if she did that with your cousin. DON'T allow yourself to be shaped into backing down though, because that way she will get reinforced.

If her mental health is that terrible then she needs to apply for the correct benefits. But I've rarely come across someone who can't do even a few hours in the local corner shop to earn a few quid. If she is anxious or depressed then all the more reason to go out and do something. Not having a purpose all day to keep active is a recipe for misery.

She’s using you as a cash cow OP I’m sorry to say
It sounds like something a young teenager would say to their mother when they’ve spent their pay on payday
Stop it now and start playing at her game.. if she asks to borrow tell her you were going to ask her for £100 as you’re behind on a bill.
She obviously doesn’t need it if shes spending it on weed but knows if she says its for food its going to get an emotional response

She is manipulating you - please stop allowing her x

You’re absolutely right. I always tell myself to not say sorry as I have nothing to say sorry for but then I think my mum will use it against me once she knows I’m not trying to help her. It’s all a mess really! The thing is, I’m not even a people pleaser especially when it comes to my mum. But when I was younger I’d always do anything to try and improve our relationship so I think it stems from that. For an easier life I’d just borrow her the money but now that I have kids and I just don’t want too is reason enough. Thanks so much for this comment, it’s really helpful x

I don’t think her mental health issues came about due to smoking as she didn’t use to smoke weed before. It certainly hasn’t helped her. I really do need to be out of this cycle and I think pp suggestions about offering to help her budget is a good idea. She’ll most likely turn it down but I want her to see that I’ve offered to help her as I won’t be able to help her by borrowing her money. It’s just so tiring and what happens when my kids get older? I don’t have any money to help them out because I’ve borrowed it to my mum? It’s just ridiculous