To not want to meet this woman now?

[Chalalalaa]

My husband's ex and mother of his children was...not very nice when I first came on the scene (not the OW at all, they'd been split a while). She was extremely difficult about contact with the children saying that he had me now and she was alone so he didn't need to see them as much and things of that nature. I got a tonne of abuse once for taking the children out for the day when my husband was called into work (we'd been together about 3 years by that point) because they weren't my children, how dare I etc.. (just one example) and the way she used to talk to my husband frankly disgusted me.

I have never retaliated or said anything to her. I've always just tried to keep the high ground and ignored any attempts at getting to me (she even tried to use my lost pregnancy once to get to us).

Anyway, she seems to have calmed down a lot since she met her partner a number of years ago. Contact is now settled again (seems she doesn't care so much about having the DC more now she has a partner!) and her and DH have been much more civil since with rarely any drama for the last couple of years.

However, she has asked DH if she can meet me now to apologise and see if we can move forward in a more friendly way.

I don't want to, as I say, I have always ignored any attempts of abuse, I have never said anything to her, I have never been nasty. When situations have required it I have been civil enough to make light small talk with a woman who made my life difficult for many years (i.e. DCs birthday parties when I was eventually "allowed" to attend etc.)

I want to reply and say whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I don't see any need for us to be friends or alter the way things are now. I'm glad her and DH are getting on better but I have no desire to be a part of their co parenting relationship.

AIBU? Surely you can't just act like a witch for years and then expect someone to want to be friends all of a sudden?

For clarity, been with DH now 8 years. Kids now 11&14 and we have shared DC too.

If and when the shoes on the other foot in a few years and you’re upset he’s left and you’re dealing with kids alone, do you think there’s a potential you might behave in an upset manner and if you reach out to apologise want it to be accepted?

by the way did you vote you weren’t being unreasonable 😂

Don’t meet her and don’t get sucked into messaging or explaining anything. You don’t need any contact between the two of you at all. DH can say no thanks and that’s all there is to it. You know what she’s like and you can’t trust her. If things don’t work out with her new bloke she’s likely to turn nasty again. He needs to support you in this completely, her wishes aren’t more impotent than hers.

I think your original response is a perfectly nice and reasonable reply:

Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I don't see any need for us to be friends or alter the way things are now. I'm glad her and DH are getting on better but I have no desire to be a part of their co parenting relationship.

She wants to do this to absolve her conscience and feelings, she has to accept that what you want is the above.

You sound like you have put up with a lot from her over the years and I hope your partner supported you and protected you from her too. All the best! x

No, that was me. OP is more likely to behave reasonably if she ever ends up with her kids having a step mum than anyone given what she’s been through. Your whole post is really nasty and reflects far more on you than OP.

Agree with the second and third posters. Don't meet her.

Ignore the first poster, not sure what she's on about.

No, I can't imagine ever abusing another woman or the fact that she lost a pregnancy, no matter how upset I was at my ex. It's frankly a disgusting way to be imo.

She says she wants to move forward in a friendly way, that doesn't mean she wants to be friends.

You can tell your H, that you appreciate her apology, but don't want to meet with her and would like to move forwards being courteous and polite with each other.

It's brave of her to have reflected on her behaviour and apologise. There are life events going forward with her kids that your will be at, so it works be nice not to have a frosty atmosphere. It's in the best interest of the kids and if you did meet her, it doesn't mean you become best mates.

It could be good to hear what she has to say.

Hmm, from what you've written it sounds as though she's realised she behaved appallingly and now wants to make amends. Given that your step kids are still young and you have years of events (graduations, weddings, grandchildren etc) ahead of you, I'd be inclined to meet and listen to her apology. You don't need to be friends, but might make things less awkward in the future. If it goes tits up at least you can say you were willing to try.

It sounds as if she has behaved very badly in the past, and it's taken a long time for her to gear herself up to suggesting she would like to apologise. Given that, and given her track record of handling disappointment badly, I think it's likely she'll be very annoyed if you refuse her peace offer. Now I don't think that means you should feel obliged to accept! Your feelings are justified. But bear in mind that rejecting her now might mean the relationship gets a lot worse than the status quo. If I had to choose between worse, or definitely not worse but possibly better, I'd choose the latter. Not for her sake. Just to make my life easier.

If you do decide to meet her, decide in advance how you want your relationship (or lack of) to look. So she doesn't catch you on the back foot, especially if this is a plot of some kind!

You're not being unreasonable, but if it were me, I'd 'meet' her (as you've met at functions etc, it's not really meeting her is it).

i'd just see it as an hour or so to help keep things running smoothly for DH & SC. I can smile & mid for an hour, especially if coffee/wine are involved!

Although you would be in your rights not to, I think that you should. Just for your own health. It’s not nice to have to hold on to resentment and by not meeting her I think this situation will take up a lot more space in your mind. By meeting her you can probably put the whole thing to rest. You’ve taken the high road so far, I think the high road action at this point is to meet her, let her apologise, and move forward. You don’t have to be besties or even friends, but your life will be easier if you just let her make her amends, and perhaps you’ll find you feel lighter if you’re able to tell her that she hurt you , and forgive her.

Mid??? Nod

If the situation were reversed and the OP had been so nasty to the ex and now wanted to meet the ex to apologise, everybody would be saying 'ex owes you nothing, leave her along.'

Such double standards the step-mother always has to the bigger person.

I was very much thinking 'just do it, be the bigger person' etc until the lost pregnancy bit. So no, I think sending a message back via DH saying 'thanks, all good, let's just leave it' is fine. YANBU.

Nail/head interface there. Eventually grandchildren may come along too, so that's another few years of interaction.

Completely, utterly up to you. You have been gracious in the past so would be gracious if you wanted to decline.

So much of your OP reminds me of my own experience becoming a SM.

I was a bit of an enthusiastic thing though, and was keen to meet, always happy to accept the apologies, have direct dialogues with her. And I’ve been bitten by my good intentions every single time. I’m only just now putting in place boundaries like you have (emergency contact between us only) and it’s working so much better.

As you’ve already pretty much suggested, you can reply via your DH that you’re appreciative, glad that there can be a civil environment for the DCs, but that existing boundaries are working well and there’s no need to meet.

If and when the shoes on the other foot in a few years and you’re upset he’s left and you’re dealing with kids alone, do you think there’s a potential you might behave in an upset manner and if you reach out to apologise want it to be accepted?

gosh, the ex found this post fast.

You're not unreasonable, OP. I'd just say "water under the bridge, no need to rehash, no need to meet" and leave it at that.

Yanbu - your reply sounds good.

Although curiosity would make me want to know why now she’s had such a change of thought?

The cynic in me suspects she wants /needs something or will benefit in some way like happy families in someone’s wedding/photos type thing.

But she has at least acknowledged she behaved poorly. Users often just pretend nothings happened & then start being pally as though the past never happened.

But I think you’re right to just not get sucked in & keep her at arms length.

I would try to consent. You've already given a lot, would one more thing be too hard?

’Blessed are the peacemakers’.

This is so true.

I would simply say there is no need to apologise to me because it won’t change what you’ve done nor make any difference to the future dynamic as you are largely irrelevant to me (and my life).

I personally wouldn’t require an apology because it wouldn’t mean anything to me from someone like this.

great for them that they’re potentially no longer an arsehole but as they’re nothing to do with you, why should you sit and listen to them unburden themselves?

Sometimes you don’t get to make apologies because the person doesn’t want to hear it or be part of it and she’ll just have to learn that lesson.

I don’t blame you for feeling this way but my sister’n’laws parents were not amicable and it caused a right pain at their wedding and still does for family functions as we know the father is very sensitive to his ex wife - personally for this reason I would do it so they kids as adults don’t feel they have to choose between inviting their mum or you and your hubby to things.

A leopard doesn’t change their spots. I’d be wary of this request.
I’d keep any response very low key and grey rock. Just have your husband tell her not to worry, everything’s fine and leave it at that.

I wouldn't meet her

I can see pros and cons, but you will have to be in each other's company for significant birthdays, future weddings, christenings etc, so whilst you don't need to be her friend you don't want to be either side of the room hissing at each other either. Whilst what she did was unforgivable, calling a truce might make it easier for the rest of the family going forward.