To not want to meet this woman now?

[Chalalalaa]

My husband's ex and mother of his children was...not very nice when I first came on the scene (not the OW at all, they'd been split a while). She was extremely difficult about contact with the children saying that he had me now and she was alone so he didn't need to see them as much and things of that nature. I got a tonne of abuse once for taking the children out for the day when my husband was called into work (we'd been together about 3 years by that point) because they weren't my children, how dare I etc.. (just one example) and the way she used to talk to my husband frankly disgusted me.

I have never retaliated or said anything to her. I've always just tried to keep the high ground and ignored any attempts at getting to me (she even tried to use my lost pregnancy once to get to us).

Anyway, she seems to have calmed down a lot since she met her partner a number of years ago. Contact is now settled again (seems she doesn't care so much about having the DC more now she has a partner!) and her and DH have been much more civil since with rarely any drama for the last couple of years.

However, she has asked DH if she can meet me now to apologise and see if we can move forward in a more friendly way.

I don't want to, as I say, I have always ignored any attempts of abuse, I have never said anything to her, I have never been nasty. When situations have required it I have been civil enough to make light small talk with a woman who made my life difficult for many years (i.e. DCs birthday parties when I was eventually "allowed" to attend etc.)

I want to reply and say whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I don't see any need for us to be friends or alter the way things are now. I'm glad her and DH are getting on better but I have no desire to be a part of their co parenting relationship.

AIBU? Surely you can't just act like a witch for years and then expect someone to want to be friends all of a sudden?

For clarity, been with DH now 8 years. Kids now 11&14 and we have shared DC too.

I dont understand why you were willing to take the high road when she was on the low one. But now that she wants to apologise you suddenly don't want to share that high road?

Seems like you enjoyed feeling superior. Just meet the woman. Listen to the apology and carry on behaving as you have.

I think it would be understandable if you didn't meet her.

Just to offer a different perspective I would be the ex wife in this scenario. Not that I did, or ever would, use a pregnancy loss against anybody but I wasn't very nice to my ex or his now partner. What she doesn't know though is that at the time I was struggeling terribly with severe ptsd and anxiety, both brought on by him and the abuse he put me through over the course of 6 years. He has convictions and 3 separate court orders against him. I was a complete mess, my emotions were all over the place, I was very angry at him, but aimed it at her (and him) and she did not deserve that. I was having terrible nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis and flashbacks with the most horrific anxiety. She (and him) don't know any of this. I struggled to overcome what he put me through. I went through both cbt therapy and psychological therapy. Theres no issues now between me and ex and we get on with our lives and speak when we need to. I have spoken with his partner in regards to our dd but not in regards to how i treated her. However, i do feel terrible for how i treated her and recognise she did not deserve it and recognise i was in the wrong. What I'm trying to say is, someone above said, you know what she's like. I'm not like that, that person wasn't me and i will always feel guilt at how i treated her.

If I asked her to meet and she declined, I would totally understand and respect her decision.

You're allowed to draw your boundaries wherever you feel comfortable OP. You don't owe her your forgiveness just because she now regrets her behaviour.

You sound like a lovely person who didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

We don't know why she now wants to apologise, but I think I would take the olive branch given you will be in each other's lives for many years to come. I would do it for my step children and my own child in the hopes that future events will be easier for everyone.

Best case scenario, she genuinely realises how horrific she was to you and the apology is genuine, comprehensive and heartfelt - and you might get the apology you deserve . Worst case, she has not really changed and you don't believe a word of it. In either case, you can reply that you appreciate the apology and look forward to the next family occasion. No need to linger, keep it very short and sweet.

Nah, fuck that. Not a cat in hell's chance I'd meet. She's burned her bridges. Nasty piece of work.

How about a middle ground? You could call her in response to your DP's message and say that's a lovely gesture, much appreciated, things are going really well right now aren't they. No need to meet up but you're really happy with how things are at the moment. Hope she's well, etc, take care, goodbye.

You could even put together a list of useful phrases! This approach is that bit more personal than a text but also doesn't tie you into an awkward meeting - win win imo.

Don't warn her that you're going to call - that way she will hopefully be too wrongfooted to say much other than 'er, ok' in response to your polite yet unmistakable 'no thank you'.

I think you're dh needs to step in here and say to ex wife, thanks for the offer but it's not necessary for the two of you to meet. This takes the heat off you and you can side-swerve any chance of being "the bad guy"

*your

I'm in a similar position to you OP, extremely frosty and downright bizarre behaviour from her in the past. She's not asked to meet up to apologise but for a 'discussion'. We've said the only way we'd meet is via a mediator but she's declined that as 'we shouldn't have to pay for it'. A leopard doesn't change its spots after a high conflict divorce and we have no idea what sort of stunt she might pull without an impartial witness sadly. (I'm not the OW either, there was no OW).

I reckon ours just wants to try and extort more money from DH and has realised for that to be possible she needs to actually stop being a t**t.. bit late for that! It's a really sad situation as I'm sure we could have an attempt at making some actual positive progress via mediation.

I have no direct contact with her, it's all via DH. I choose peace 🙏🏻 In an ideal world everyone would get along, but sometimes it's a case of too much water under the bridge.

I thought you were going to say that you’ve not seen or spoke to each other since and I was going to say that meeting up might be a good way to clear the air and move forward.

However, you already see each other and are civil how each other so I really don’t see what the point in meeting up is.
It would almost make things worse as you’re forcing a friendship instead of letting it grow naturally.

I would message her and say it’s a nice idea but you have forgiven her so there’s no need to meet up and bring up the past.

I know it doesn't excuse the way she's treated you, especially about your baby loss, there could be lots of factors...was the split amicable, were you the first woman introduced to the dc after the split, maybe the thought of a new mother figure being in her dc's lives scared her, and she took it out on you? She could be a lovely person who knows she's behaved badly, but if it was me I think I'd meet to see what she had to say.

Thanks for the replies.

No the split wasn't amicable and yes I was the first woman he introduced the DC to.

I think I'll go with a PPs suggestion of a message saying no need to meet and happy with the status quo. I'll ask DH to send it tomorrow.