Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerning behaviour?

36 replies

ellie09 · 29/11/2022 10:51

I have been online dating the past couple of months. Most dates have been casual as I generally get to know people.

I got talking to one guy and he seemed really talkative and sweet. I'm quite talkative so it was a breath of fresh air vs the usual small talk. Anyway, we agreed to meet up.

First date, fine. We had a couple of drinks and chatted quite a bit. He told me he had high functioning Aspergers and he can be pretty affectionate (rather than the opposite of not being touched etc). I had to put my foot down as he seemed to be under the impression he was going back to mine to stay?

We agreed a second lunch date. Again, all seemed to go well and seemed nice so we arranged a third date.

Third date is where I start getting a bit concerned. He was overly PDA, trying to hold my hand, always needed to be reaching out to touch me in some capacity. He called me his "girlfriend", he told his mum about me, he wanted to take a selfie of us both for his socials. He asked me should we go "Facebook official", to which I said no. He then gave me a Christmas card which had "to my girlfriend" on the front, bearing in mind there was no conversation prior to this.

This freaked me out and once we parted from the date, I felt as though I was smothered and verging on a panic attack.

I've pulled back a bit since to try and enforce boundaries but its constant texting with lovey pet names and if I don't respond, multiple texts are sent. Because I know he now has Aspergers I don't really know how to approach this or if he even knows this is inappropriate?

He left personal items in my car (not sure if on purpose or not) and is trying to make excuses to come up and get them from mine despite me saying no I'm not in the mood.

How do I gauge this? He is genuinely nice and we get along but the affection and eagerness is very over the top and its making me want to run away as fast as I can

Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
mindutopia · 29/11/2022 10:56

Jesus christ, how did you not just bolt out of there mid-date?! Please don't even give this any more headspace. Run for the fucking hills. He sounds nuts and this is way more than controlling behaviour.

mindutopia · 29/11/2022 10:58

If you need to return something (actually of value that you can't just bin), ask him for his address and say you'll drop it off when you're next in the area. And then pick a random time he is likely to not be in and just leave at the door. Then block.

Conkersareback · 29/11/2022 10:59

Honestly?

Run as fast as you can! This is not normal behaviour.

confessionstoday · 29/11/2022 11:00

Who cares if he has Asperger's or not. He's giving you the creeps and sounds like a weirdo.
Block him and run very fast

SwimInTheRain · 29/11/2022 11:08

This may not the person for you but whether you decide to end it or see if he can slow things down you need to be very direct. Either explain what amount of contact and label is okay with you and be very clear and specific, but if that doesn't work out or you don't want to do that, you need to be very direct and say it is over.

Itsonlyagame · 29/11/2022 11:30

Please gently but firmly explain how you are feeling. You need to be very clear.

Stressedmum2017 · 29/11/2022 11:43

Urgh sounds like a guy I briefly dated earlier in the year, was an absolute nightmare to get rid of. I actually don't think he was officially diagnosed anything in the end, just made it up to excuse his weirdo behaviour.

ZombieKettle · 29/11/2022 11:58

He might not have Asperger's. He may have said that as a way of trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants and making you feel too awkward in saying no. So I wouldn't trust that what he says is truthful because you don't really know him. You need to be firm with him about his inappropriateness. At this stage, don't go to his place if there's any risk he may turn on you. Don't feel bad if you need to step away altogether.

Original poster
ellie09 · 29/11/2022 12:09

ZombieKettle · 29/11/2022 11:58

He might not have Asperger's. He may have said that as a way of trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants and making you feel too awkward in saying no. So I wouldn't trust that what he says is truthful because you don't really know him. You need to be firm with him about his inappropriateness. At this stage, don't go to his place if there's any risk he may turn on you. Don't feel bad if you need to step away altogether.

He 100% is diagnosed, He's been in a few local pressure articles when he graduated and it mentioned his diagnosis and another one in an Autism magazine which was an article with his mum. Easily found them with a google search

I just have no idea if this behavior is related to that, or if it is toxic. Either way I am not sure if it something I can handle (I am affectionate, just not extremely!)

Might be an age issue too as he's a few years younger and he's told me he's only dated women younger than him before

I probably would have found this attention charming about ten years ago, but at nearly 30, it just reminds me of what I was like at say, 15/16 years old

OP posts:
Motnight · 29/11/2022 12:13

It doesn't matter why he's doing it. He's making you feel uncomfortable. That's all that matters.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2022 19:08

So I cut him off today and returned his stuff to his apartment block. His response is rather concerning to me.

He's basically went on a big rant about how everyone uses him for fun then tosses him out. How life isn't worth living and he's obviously switched off his phone at this point as my last message to him hasn't been ready (but I can see his WhatsApp picture so I haven't been blocked)

The reaction afterwards has shown me even more so that I have made the correct decision. I don't need this type of person in my life at all who uses these tactics to try and guilt trip you

OP posts:
Greenshake · 03/12/2022 19:37

Well done. Hopefully this will be the end of it.

XenoBitch · 03/12/2022 19:43

His Asperger's is irrelevant really. He has made you feel very uncomfortable and you have every right to end things now before it escalates.

Him coming out with "life isn't worth living" is horribly manipulative too. You have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2022 20:04

A very terrifying moment. I happened to be looking out the window about 15 mins ago and seen a car like his at the end of street. He parked it down there, and walked down the street. At this point I'm hiding in my room as its obvious I am in.

He doesn't knock, but he's left a bunch of flowers at the door and left.

Im really scared this is going to escalate now. Im really spooked by this to be honest and near a panic attack

OP posts:
dudsville · 03/12/2022 20:10

The only reason you know he has a diagnosis is because he told you, and it's having the desired effect, you're being extra careful not to close him down.

XenoBitch · 03/12/2022 20:12

ellie09 · 03/12/2022 20:04

A very terrifying moment. I happened to be looking out the window about 15 mins ago and seen a car like his at the end of street. He parked it down there, and walked down the street. At this point I'm hiding in my room as its obvious I am in.

He doesn't knock, but he's left a bunch of flowers at the door and left.

Im really scared this is going to escalate now. Im really spooked by this to be honest and near a panic attack

Oh, that is not good.
Keep a diary of everything now, and be prepared to go to the police with this. It screams stalker all over it.

BryceQuinlan · 03/12/2022 20:12

How did he get your address?

Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2022 20:47

BryceQuinlan · 03/12/2022 20:12

How did he get your address?

Drunk date faux pasta, ended up back at mine

Not usually something I would do but 8 beers in and common sense went out the window. Something I certainly won't be doing again!

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 03/12/2022 20:49

XenoBitch · 03/12/2022 20:12

Oh, that is not good.
Keep a diary of everything now, and be prepared to go to the police with this. It screams stalker all over it.

Show quote history

Going to need to it seems. Its just really shaken me up. I've had a really shitty experience with men in general and now I am honestly terrified at the prospect of online dating again

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 03/12/2022 21:20

Stacey Dooley did a documentary on BBC about stalkers. Some had autism. They literally did not think they were doing anything wrong. Not helpful for their victims at all. Is still terrifying all the same.

BryceQuinlan · 03/12/2022 21:30

Sorry, I wasn't being judgemental. Just didn't know if him somehow having your address unexpectedly was something else to be concerned about! I agree to take a note of events for future use but perhaps remain optimistic that it ends with flowers. I think in future, pay more attention to your instincts, you mention having to be quite firm on first date. You obviously felt something then, listen to yourself as you were correct!

forrestgreen · 03/12/2022 21:39

Send him another text being extremely clear that the relationship?' Is over and that you do not want any more contact from him, in person, by text, presents or via social media. That from now on he will be blocked. That you have cctv (get a ring doorbell). That any more contact will mean you involve the police.

Screenshot the message, especially if you can see it's been read.
Then block

Scurryfunge12 · 03/12/2022 21:51

This guy reeks of desperation. Red flag 🚩

HRTQueen · 03/12/2022 21:55

End relationship and block

he will have another girlfriend in about a week

MirrorMirror1247 · 03/12/2022 21:57

Jeez, I have Asperger's so I'm not always great at social stuff, but I'm savvy enough to know you don't decide you're in a relationship that quickly! Though of course I get it's a spectrum and we're all different.

You definitely did the right thing in terms of ending it, but agree with PP, keep a note of anything that happens in case you have to take it further. He sounds unhinged.