Concerning behaviour?

[ellie09]

I have been online dating the past couple of months. Most dates have been casual as I generally get to know people.

I got talking to one guy and he seemed really talkative and sweet. I'm quite talkative so it was a breath of fresh air vs the usual small talk. Anyway, we agreed to meet up.

First date, fine. We had a couple of drinks and chatted quite a bit. He told me he had high functioning Aspergers and he can be pretty affectionate (rather than the opposite of not being touched etc). I had to put my foot down as he seemed to be under the impression he was going back to mine to stay?

We agreed a second lunch date. Again, all seemed to go well and seemed nice so we arranged a third date.

Third date is where I start getting a bit concerned. He was overly PDA, trying to hold my hand, always needed to be reaching out to touch me in some capacity. He called me his "girlfriend", he told his mum about me, he wanted to take a selfie of us both for his socials. He asked me should we go "Facebook official", to which I said no. He then gave me a Christmas card which had "to my girlfriend" on the front, bearing in mind there was no conversation prior to this.

This freaked me out and once we parted from the date, I felt as though I was smothered and verging on a panic attack.

I've pulled back a bit since to try and enforce boundaries but its constant texting with lovey pet names and if I don't respond, multiple texts are sent. Because I know he now has Aspergers I don't really know how to approach this or if he even knows this is inappropriate?

He left personal items in my car (not sure if on purpose or not) and is trying to make excuses to come up and get them from mine despite me saying no I'm not in the mood.

How do I gauge this? He is genuinely nice and we get along but the affection and eagerness is very over the top and its making me want to run away as fast as I can

Any advice appreciated

Hope you are ok op, so scary! Just log everything and contact the police. Asperger's or not! He's clearly got a concerning nature about him. Lock the doors and stay safe xxxx

Thanks all! Yep I know several with the same condition and none of them.would act this way so it is definitely just his character

Just glad I didn't let it drag on any longer as god knows how it would have ended then

OP I'm sorry that this person has made you feel uncomfortable & it is important that you manage the situation to stay safe. I do think however that you can't ignore the fact that person has an ASD diagnosis. He may use the term "high functioning" for what it is worth but he is clearly displaying difficulties with social communication. I work with people with ASD & frequently deal with difficulties & miscommunication in friendships & relationships. For example, I have seen an occasion recently when a new "relationship" is announced on Facebook without one party giving permission. Another when a young man started taking about a future together & babies after a few dates. The young lady promptly finished with him . Such a shame as they got on really well. The young man concerned needed support to understand but going forward it's going to be hard to stop him going into any relationship with such intensity - that's just how he is.
The only advice I can give is to be very clear in your communication with him if there is any further contact & leave as little room for miscommunication as possible.

I'd like to buck the trend here.

The aftermath of this has just been crazy. He has sent me very sad voice notes late last night that I didn't get until this morning - all very suicidal sounding and telling me "whatever happens its not my fault" and he sounded as if he was on a road at 2am

Im a natural empath, I wouldnt want someone hurting themselves over me. I spent most of last night crying and this morning really frightened as his phone appears switched off as I want to make sure he is safe

You dont know this guy and his manipulation tactics have already got under your skin. Get angry about the fact that he's reeled you in so quickly and effectively, don't feel sorry for him.

And just fyi, you're not a "natural empath", it's perfectly normal to feel empathy for him, you're not any more special or "feeling" than most NT women who have had a shit time with men.

Instead you should consciously override any feelings of guilt. Imo he's using autism as a free pass to be a creepy manipulative arsehole. All the ASD people I know work very hard to mask as they so want to fit in and be seen as "normal" (their term, not mine). From the off he basically said "I'm autistic" so you would excuse all of his behaviour.

Get angry and stay angry.

He has sent me very sad voice notes late last night that I didn't get until this morning - all very suicidal sounding and telling me "whatever happens its not my fault" and he sounded as if he was on a road at 2am

He's yanking your chain and it's working - he wants you rushing round to his at 2am to see if he's OK. If he is apparently suicidal because a couple of dates didn't work out then he needs more help than you can give.

It’s time to call the Police now. Don’t let this rumble in any longer.

I agree.
Even if it's for a welfare check. It might spook him into backing right off.

Have you got a doorbell with a camera? Might be worth getting one.

Very true. Its hurtful because I have disclosed to him what an utterly shit time I have had with the romantic partners throughout my life time.

I was raped by my first ever boyfriend. My ex husband started becoming physically and emotionally abusive once the ring was on the finger which I endured for 3+ years. When I ended the marriage, he threatened to kill himself, slashed his neck in front of me with a broken wine glass. Most recently after 3 years separated, he tried to financially blackmail me.

I had two relationships since the end of the marriage, the first which was a typical "love bombing". Was showered with love and affection. I got myself depressed trying to get his depression better and then I was out of the blue, dumped for no good reason. He then wanted to use me for sexual purposes once he ended it. Most recent relationship ended when he told me he could never love me, or anybody.

I have been through enough utter nonsense with men, and this one seemed nice but it was all too much. For once, my flight mode kicked in and a need to protect myself (I honestly do think this is with the help of therapy!)

Its just all so incredibly mentally draining and its safe to say I won't be dating again for a while

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through

I've experienced men who set out get out of free cards early, although not autism. Things like 'just so you know, I'm a tactile person' thinking that meant they could paw at me all the time on a first date and I couldn't refuse because they'd given me a heads up already. 'I have a high sex drive' is another one, said out of the blue (no sex talk prior) to set out that they expect lots of sex early/gives them an out to sleep around etc etc.

It's so common, it's just because he's 'used' autism that you do an extra double take and check yourself because you don't want to be mean to someone with autism. You make excuses in your head like 'he can't help it'.

Well if he can't help it, he's not as high functioning as he says. And if he can help it then he's a pretty sick individual to use that to worm his way in with women.

I agree really you need to call the police now. I hate the MN 'log it with 101' but you do need to have it on record as early as possible rather than try and handle it yourself. When similar happened to me I found the advice given by the lady at 101 very helpful, and mostly if you did need to call 999 with him at your door for example, they would already have a record of his behaviour and prioritise you accordingly.

I hope he leaves you alone soon, I've experienced the stress of not knowing what they're going to do next, if anything. It's horrible

This freaked me out and once we parted from the date, I felt as though I was smothered and verging on a panic attack.
Not surprising - the level of assumption is frightening.
This man is looking for a Girlfriend Shaped Object, not a real individual woman to gradually get to know.

I've pulled back a bit since to try and enforce boundaries but its constant texting with lovey pet names and if I don't respond, multiple texts are sent.
You can't pull back "a bit" with entitlement on this level. That would be like jumping off a cliff "a bit" - you either do it, & plummet, or ... you see sense, & walk right away from the edge.
Also - people with good boundaries don't hang about sending vague or mixed messages or "try" to enforce their boundaries. The minute the boundary is crashed - they point it out. If it is then crashed again - they walk away.

Because I know he now has Aspergers I don't really know how to approach this or if he even knows this is inappropriate?
It doesn't matter whether he knows it is appropriate or not. All that matters here is that YOU know it is inappropriate, & communicate that to him to that you can be sure that if he didn't know (unlikely) - he does now.
Did you say anything about it on your dates?
Or did you just squirm in discomfort, worrying about how to broach it?
If the latter (it was the latter wasn't it OP - sorry, teasing you a bit) - you need to get a LOT clearer in both boundary setting & communication.
When a man is PDA'ing or touching you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it makes no odds whether they are ND/NT - it's not your job to wonder why they are doing it. It's your job to tell them to stop.

He left personal items in my car (not sure if on purpose or not) and is trying to make excuses to come up and get them from mine despite me saying no I'm not in the mood.
"I'm not in the mood" is an excuse.
It's not a no, so he will take it as a "yes, another time."
You need to woman up & learn how to say no.

How do I gauge this? He is genuinely nice and we get along but the affection and eagerness is very over the top and its making me want to run away as fast as I can
You've already gauged it OP! - You gauge has returned the undeniable response "I want to run away as fast as I can."
Why on earth are you not listening to it?
This is your body, your instinct, your mind - screaming at you about what you want to do.
What is behind this second-guessing? Do you feel you are not allowed to turn men down? Need to justify your reasons for not wishing to date them? Have to ask others for validation before telling him to keep his fucking hands to himself & stop mauling at you?

Any advice appreciated
Do what your body is screaming at you to do - run.
You can do it politely & kindly, especially given his neurodivergence, as there is a chance he genuinely doesn't understand how OTT he has been.
Something like "you are looking for a stronger connection than I wish for right now, I don't want to be your girlfriend, but think you're a lovely man who will make another woman very happy. I'll arrange to post the things from my car to your work/home, & wish you all the best."

Then make the postal arrangements, text him the details, & BLOCK.
Job done.

TL:DR - speak up in the moment, never be afraid to tell a man to stop pawing you, listen to your gut.