Christmas and who has the ILs!

[Pl242]

Another Christmas one. Will likely get the “people are free to choose what they want to do “ response but wondering if AIBU in my reaction to this.

Last Christmas we had my FIL & MIL. My parents live in another country and were there, celebrated alone (which they were fine with). My DH’s sibling and their family spent it with their partner’s family. I have no siblings.

This year we are going to visit my parents for Christmas. My DH’s sibling has said (well more like implied, communication is not very clear which is part of the issue) that they will have Xmas Day just with their partner and kids and see both sets of grandparents over the holidays at some point.

DH’s sibling’s partner has siblings so that set of grandparents unlikely to be alone at Xmas. But my inlaws will certainly now be alone on Xmas Day. They aren’t the sort to make a fuss or guilt trip anyone into anything but are clearly upset. This is obvious to everyone, including DH’s sibling. They’re getting on a bit and haven’t had a good time of it recently due to various health issues. We spend at least every other Xmas with my ILs, so don’t think there is anything at play here re them feeling they have more of a burden/we’re not doing our fair share etc.

I know they have the right to do what they want and we wouldn’t confront them on it directly etc, but AIBU to think it’s a bit mean spirited?

they have the right to do what they want

Stop trying to obligate people and make them socialise from duty, guilt.

I think it’s a bit heartless but agree you can’t make them do the decent thing.

YABVU. Why should they feel obligated to have them at Christmas just because they’re related?

Not worth worrying about. They're a couple and are together. Lots to watch on tv. Lots of good food for two to be had. A day to relax. It could happen to us all at any time in our lives.

Perhaps your PIL would like to have a year not being guests and doing things their way? We used to play Christmas Chicken over MIL with DH's many siblings. She'd accepted more than one offer and played favourites too many times so sometimes wouldn't get any invites. No one would have left her by herself but some years it was a case of who was going to blink first. However she actually loved having everyone pop in first thing and then go away and leave her with the telly.

STOP!

You are turning into the Christmas Martyr!

Don't do that to the people you love.

Your ILs can sort themselves out. They can talk to their kids if they want to. They may not want to! They may be quite happy without you, just as your own DPs were last year!

Those of us without kids, close relatives do actually manage to enjoy Christmas without additional others . Honest!

I don't think it's mean spirited at all - they're having a family Christmas just them and DC and seeing everyone at some point over Christmas.

I think mean spirited would be making plans for a huge family get together and not inviting them!

I associate the word obligation with doing something you hate out of a sense of duty. I’ve fully supported friends not seeing parents on Xmas who are toxic and horrible.

However ILs are not like this and there are no family issues etc. I’m not going to get involved or say anything, just exploring my reaction to this with straight talking strangers.

It just feels mean to me as ILs have been loving and supportive parents and grandparents over the years. Of course they’ll be ok on the day by themselves, plenty in worse positions. But they would definitely like to be with some of their children and grandchildren. DH’s sibling knows this and could easily have them or visit them but has chosen not to. Ok. That’s their choice. But making that choice knowing it will hurt their parents’ feeling just seems quite mean to me!

But I’m curious if others think my reaction is unreasonable or not. Seems like a fair few do think AIBU in that.

This. I would keep out of it and not try to micro manage

stay out of it.
What's your usual rhythm? One year DHs parents, one year your parents, one year you're at home with no parents?
Or something else?

You carry on doing what you do, and let everyone else make their own arrangements.

I’m not interfering or trying to manage anything as per my PPs. Wouldn’t dream of saying anything to any of them. Not my place. Just using this platform to see if my reaction to the situation seems reasonable or not. To clarify some other comments, my ILs are definitely upset not to be invited and wouldn’t prefer to be on their own.

@Brefugee we either alternate between my parents and ILs. But sometimes see ILs more than every other year as my parents are abroad so we can’t always get there, even every other year. I suspect we will see ILs more if their other child doesn’t want to spend Christmas with them, but will see how things pan out.

Are you me with a few details changed? We had IL last year, and what is more DH had to work two of the days they stayed with us so I found it quite draining keeping them fed and reasonably content. They have had health issues as well. This year we find out DH's brother's Christmas plans do not involve seeing PIL. PIL are 6 hours drive from us. DH does not have much time off over Christmas. MIL has been hit hard by health worries in recent months. Obvs we invited them to stay with us, even though again DH would be at work 24 and 26th. In the end they have made their own plans, are they happier doing their own thing? I do not know and won't pursue it, but I don't know how BIL looks at himself really. It had better not happen next year.

The in laws aren't alone though - they have each other. Just do your own thing and let everyone else do theirs!

we either alternate between my parents and ILs

but it sounds more like a duty thing because nobody else has them?
I mean if it works for all of you that's fine, but when you're not there you should just stay out of it, it causes resentment.
Or just tell the ILs to be clear to their son that they'd like to go?

It's lovely that you like them, what does your DH say?

I agree with you op. I think its a bit mean spirited andheartless. What's wrong with being kind and putting yourself out a bit,especially for family. It's not being a martyr to think about family at Christmas. They aren't just your bil distant relatives. They are his mum and dad.

But how do you know that they're 'clearly upset' and that it's 'obvious', @Pl242

If you want to explore your feeling on this, start there.

@Brefugee i don’t really see it as a duty thing. We like to spend Christmas with our families but as my parents are abroad we try and alternate. My parents are a completely different kettle of fish to my ILs in that they take the view that as they chose to live away, they don’t expect us to be able to come to them. We are always welcome and they love to have us and we love to go. But if we can’t (sometimes we just don’t have the annual
leave etc) there’s no expectation to. If we were always in the U.K., would we get resentful if we always have/spend it with the ILs if DH’s sibling doesn’t bother? I don’t think so. We’d be happy to. Just feels a bit off to me that DH’s sibling acts like that, but perhaps I just need to stop myself from thinking of it as others have said.

You can have all the feelings you want. You can have all the opinions you want. But you can't do anything about it. They aren't your parents, its not your plans, it's not really your business. You have no idea why your BIL is doing things this way, there could be any number of reasons.

God how did the ILs cope before they had children? They're not alone as they have each other. When your children have young kids of their own of course they want to spend the day with them, they've said they'll see the ILs over the period. The ILs need to be understanding and make the most of the day just the two of them. If you're happy to have them then that's fine but don't don't think that others must or should feel the same.

@Brefugee my DH is upset but doesn’t want to/feels it isn’t right to confront his sibling. You hit on another thing that’s very relevant to the whole dynamic though which is pretty poor communication between them all. IL won’t say how they feel to their other child. DH’s sibling and partner are deliberately vague about plans. Ie imo it would be better if they just explicitly said (with more notice) “We’re just spending Xmas the 4 of us and seeing other family afterwards. Can we get together on x date?” But they don’t. And DH in middle not sure what to do (if anything).

Ils aren't alone. They have each other..

@AutumnCrow because they have told my DH. I also think you know your own family don’t you? In the way that I know my parents are fine not seeing people on Xmas, DH’s sibling knows theirs do.

IL won’t say how they feel to their other child.

Good. Because they would be emotionally blackmailing if they did so.

An obligation doesn’t have to be something you hate. It’s an expectation. They shouldn’t feel as though they have to have in-laws just because you aren’t.

I think family obligations can be very difficult to manage at Christmas. We've had my parent over for several Christmas's running and tbh he is a very difficult character, everything has to be done his way and he is quick to criticise, without ever offering to help out. It generally means I don't enjoy Christmas much and am used to that.

This year has been a hard year for me and DP for a number of reasons and so we've decided to spend it by ourselves as a household, spoil ourselves and have a quiet Christmas, so we can both enjoy the holiday. My parent hasn't said anything but it clearly a bit miffed. I feel some residual guilt but not much. Due to various difficult family issues going back many years, I very rarely enjoy Christmas and am quite keen to enjoy this one even though I know it's selfish.

All that to say, you don't know why your sib-in-law is doing things this way and it's probably something very personal and sensitive to them. Let 'em get on with it and don't get involved, I reckon.