Christmas and who has the ILs!

[Pl242]

Another Christmas one. Will likely get the “people are free to choose what they want to do “ response but wondering if AIBU in my reaction to this.

Last Christmas we had my FIL & MIL. My parents live in another country and were there, celebrated alone (which they were fine with). My DH’s sibling and their family spent it with their partner’s family. I have no siblings.

This year we are going to visit my parents for Christmas. My DH’s sibling has said (well more like implied, communication is not very clear which is part of the issue) that they will have Xmas Day just with their partner and kids and see both sets of grandparents over the holidays at some point.

DH’s sibling’s partner has siblings so that set of grandparents unlikely to be alone at Xmas. But my inlaws will certainly now be alone on Xmas Day. They aren’t the sort to make a fuss or guilt trip anyone into anything but are clearly upset. This is obvious to everyone, including DH’s sibling. They’re getting on a bit and haven’t had a good time of it recently due to various health issues. We spend at least every other Xmas with my ILs, so don’t think there is anything at play here re them feeling they have more of a burden/we’re not doing our fair share etc.

I know they have the right to do what they want and we wouldn’t confront them on it directly etc, but AIBU to think it’s a bit mean spirited?

I completely get what people are saying and I expected this on Mumsnet re the “you do you” type philosophy. As I’ve said, I won’t be getting involved or saying anything.

My emotional reaction is just to feel a bit sad for my ILs and a bit judgemental of my DH’s sibling. Maybe that makes me a bad person in light of some of the views here, but sure I’ll get over the judgment (I do like my DH’s sibling!) and obviously wouldn’t articulate anything out loud.

@Anna713 yes. This is exactly my perspective!

Tbh I think it's quite discomforting to have to keep a lid on simmering resentment, OP. Families are the classic crucible for that. So if you've got unvoiced thoughts, partially disclosed opinions, a bit of anger, guilt, secrecy and sorrow, the next thing you know no-one's enjoying anything and it's like being in a Mike Leigh film.

And it's hard to just shrug it off when it's preying on your mind.

When are you back from your parents' home? Is it in time to arrange something New Yearsy with your PiL to be looked forward to?

Seriously op you are massively projecting! They might be relieved to have a quiet and chilled Christmas. They have each other and are not alone.

Your dp needs to send a non confrontational message so he can feel better (if he wants to)

'We are overseas this Christmas seeing op's parents, is there any chance you can have Mum and Dad this year? They are getting on a bit and it would be nice for them to be with family. No worries if you have other plans'

And put the ball firmly in their court. None of this pussy footing around.

I think it's shows that you care for your in laws, which is lovely. Be as judgemental as you like if you care about them x

Here is a perspective to add to the mix. Ignore the mention of narcissist at the beginning, its not relevant, but might explain the difference between your DH and his sibling.

www.tiktok.com/@dahliakurtz/video/7154725420879875334

Please remember not all DC are treated the same. My younger brother would say my mum is kind and supportive. I would not say that. He still has her over for meals because she's never played any nasty mind games with him. I no longer invite her round. Their relationship with your PIL might be very different, so I'd stay out it.

I think this is the problem that is as old as the hills. Daughters (and some DILs) are more likely to step up and support parents than sons.

My ex husband family is a case in point. He has two brothers, one sister and his mother is elderly and frail.

They all take turns in going to visit her, but his sister always does the holidays (Xmas), stays longer and more often. She is now the one selling up to move in with her own family to provide long term care of her mother. She is the one who lives furthest away, and the only one with a teenager still living at home.

But I expect the brothers think they are doing a wonderful job. Men are usually more selfish than women. That’s really all this comes down to.

Your ‘emotional reaction’ is just your subconscious wanting to Smash the Patriarchy!!!!!!

Yep - it’s not right to leave loving members of the family
on their own on Christmas Day (barring any abuse/neglect hidden issues.) But the general view on Mumsnet often seems to be that people should do what makes them happy, not put themselves out for friends and family, never have to do anything they’re not totally happy to do. ‘No is a complete sentence’ and all that bollocks. I find it really sad. I think you put yourselves out a bit for family. Yes, your ideal Christmas Day every year might be a cosy little time by yourself or with your husband and kids. But I don’t know how anyone can enjoy that knowing that you have ILs/parents on their own that would love to be sharing the day with you. It’s selfish.

I do think your DH needs to grab the issue by the horns though and have a frank conversation with their sibling. Vague communication isn’t going to help anyone. Just have an honest conversation and talk about it.

If I was your DH, I would ask my sibling rather than wonder about their vague communication. At least everything would be clear.
But they are not alone as they do have each other and can make plans eg invite neighbour over for sherry and mince pies or morning cocktails etc

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I think in situations like this, where family get on and there's no toxicity / animosity, then of course they should be with family.

I think it is sad they they have not been invited to BIL. Arguably he is not obligated the have them but I couldn't imagine not inviting parent or IL's if they have nowhere else to go and they were sad about. If the relationship is not toxic then it is a selfish decision.

I really don’t think I’m projecting. The idea of a future Christmas a deux is quite appealing tbh! But ILs are not of that mindset.

Yes. Spot on with need for better communication. I think my DH will
be asking their sibling to be upfront with their parents on their Xmas plans. He feels it’s too much to try and persuade them to spend it with them. That’s got to come from them as a genuine thing. But he feels it’s reasonable to point out that his parents are confused as to what’s going on at Xmas and that his sibling should clarify so they can make plans etc.

Yes mean-spirited. I've been in the same situation before and in the end had to cancel spending Xmas with my parents (my other siblings would be there) to spend it with in-laws as BIL is a selfish twat who won't extend an invite to his parents who do so much for him all the time.

I will add that BIL and in-laws love pretty much next to each other and we live 2hrs away.

My bil and sil have refused to spend time with my mil at Christmas apart from what suits them, so allowing mil to cook a big meal at some other point in December. They always spend it with sil family. Even though they knew mil would love to have a Christmas Day with them This meant more pressure on us every year trying to please everyone.
Mil unfortunately passed away this year, now bil and sil want to have a family Christmas with us. Absolutely no chance. Sil (not the daughter, but married to the son) seems to think she is the new matriarch now. Maybe there is some guilt as they know sil and her family always came first. Well she comes last to us.

I think you put yourselves out a bit for family. Yes, your ideal Christmas Day every year might be a cosy little time by yourself or with your husband and kids. But I don’t know how anyone can enjoy that knowing that you have ILs/parents on their own that would love to be sharing the day with you. It’s selfish.

Agree

Totally agree with you OP

its a bit sad that Christmas has shifted from the season of goodwill to the season of consumerism and selfishness

obviously there are exceptions - no one should ‘perform’ out of a sense of duty or FOG. But it’s nice to be nice and seems a shame that so many people are so reluctant to do something for their (perfectly nice) family.

isn’t that what family should be about? Helping, supporting and being kind to each other?

Yes I agree @FurAndFeathers