Was your maternity leave like this?

[Floppy123]

I've met up with a friend who's on it, and she says she's so busy all the time, any meetups have to be planned weeks in advance because every day revolves around nap and feeding times and that she just doesn't have much time to stay in touch with people. She said she thought she'd have a lot of free time but that it's just non stop.
I've not had any children so no experience of it , just wondered what other experiences were like?

I’m on maternity leave and am exhausted. My baby only contact naps during the day and is better now but for the first three months she just screamed with colic/reflux

I try to only do one outing a day, two or three days a week as otherwise baby is exhausted and so am I. I had all these ideas and notions that I would be going on hikes, having coffee and lots of baby classes. Boy was I wrong it has been the hardest job I’ve ever had and they don’t get cute and responsive for months

I think it depends

Most of my friends who had babies still managed to maintain a goodish social life. Activities were more going for walks, going for a coffee or chilling at each others homes, rather than cocktails and meals out.

I even met one for a walk and a coffee 48 hours after her second was born.

Some of it may be down to how 'easy' their babies were. A big part of it I guess is that they were really keen to get out and about so they just made it work

First child yes it was. I went to loads of baby groups and felt the need to give PFB every 'development" opportunity

Second child - my sister was on Mat leave at the same time and we became totally laid back ladies who lunch. And second child developed fine too.

It can be like that but she has probably made lots of new mum friends who she can talk to about her nipples and how fucking shit it is. So it is hard to fit everything in. I definitely left my childfree friends behind for a while as i had more in common with other women who had also recently pushed a baby out of their vag (or c section of course). We bonded over horror birth stories and tales of poo. Also family suddenly want to see you (actually not you at all - the baby) all the fucking time. So there isnt as much free time as you might imagine.

Life got loads better for me when i gave up pumping.

I'm glad it's working for you and meaning your mat leave is smooth.

Thing is about staying flexible- that's works if your baby cooperates with that.
Yes it's important to ensure baby is flexible but what if baby screams the place down when not able to do the things it needs. Eg nap in dark room. Not saying that all babies must do this but some will only sleep in certain conditions... etc etc etc

I tried to stay flexible with my second child (same as I did with my first) oh my life that was not happening. A flexible day mean disruption to everyone and everything which mean a night time payback. Every.time.

I had no evenings as it was, as child was Velcro and feeding 24/7. I was consequently becoming very unwell mentally (I was later admitted to hospital due to this) and so by that point I did what I ever it took to keep some kind of status quo and to not further exacerbate the sleep deprivation and by default my mental health.

So yes it's better to flexible and easy to assume that by not being willing to be flexible is the problem but it's never that straight forward....

Perhaps this mum is on her knees mentally ?

Yeah, as above, I am very aware that I was able to enjoy my ML as I did because I had the kind of baby that would mostly cheerfully go along with things. He never, ever screamed in a buggy when out and about and a cry could almost always be stopped in it’s tracks with a bottle (which he drank straight from the fridge or a cool bag cold so no faffing warming it) or a cuddle.

That is sheer luck. Having worked with other babies, I know they are not all like that.

It does also change constantly. I felt housebound the first few weeks because DD had tongue tie and just fed relentlessly and painfully and screamed the whole time. Friends who came round in their lunch break with deli sandwiches and cake and put a wash on were a godsend.

After the fourth trimester and a tongue snip she cheered up a bit but started crawling as soon as humanly possible, so I was knackered but free for a while. Then you start weaning and trying to figure out naps now there are fewer of them but still too many, and it turns into this mad Excel spreadsheet of trying to balance milk feeds, solid feeds, the new and exciting solid poo nappy changes, naps, and playtime, and you go a bit insane for a bit til they finally drop the afternoon cat nap.

A lot also depends on support of partners, how willing you are to abandon housework in favour of fun (a pp talking about keeping the floor clean when they start crawling made me laugh – I went with what a friend’s toddler calls “crunchy floor”), so many factors. Like all of parenting, really.

I think it depends as much on the parent as on the child. I had no interest in baby groups nor being housebound, so I was out and about when I felt like it unless she was ill.

Only problem I had - learnt early on - is that my baby loved her bed time, so if she hadn't been fed by 630 to have her bath and bed by 7, it had to wait until she woke again at 10pm. Went out with my mom and came back a tiny bit late and She just wouldn't eat.
I just had to spend the hours worrying she'd starve in her sleep 😊.

I think it depends.

With my first she napped and ate at the same time everyday so I kind of knew how I’d plan my day. I got pregnant again when she was 3 months old and I had really bad back pain so we spent most days at home and would just have visions.

Now my youngest is 7 months and we’re soooo busy. I spend the week taking my toddler to two groups a week. Then my son has his weekly physio and OT. People also want to visit when they can so it feels like there’s no time. I also prefer to be busy because I get bored easily. There’s nothing wrong with having your maternity leave the way your friend does. It’s your time to raise and look after your baby so you can do whatever you want tbh

Depends on the baby and the parent.

I certainly wasn't going to sit at home waiting for feeding time, but had very easy flexible babies who didn't mind being fed while I was out and about, or catching naps in the back of the car. I can't imagine being ruled by a baby schedule - my SIL was like that. It didn't improve as the kids got older, as they "had to be home by bedtime", and basically didn't go out in the evening for years.

There are limits, of course, and you can't always be as spontaneous as you'd like.

Currently on maternity leave here. In my opinion some mums love to make a big deal about it all, there really isn’t that much to it, you choose to be as busy as your want to be.

I have had two colicky, Velcro babies. As a general rule on maternity:

months 1 - 3: hard to meet up as recovering from birth and establishing breastfeeding
months 3 - 6: the dream! Did so much socialising, feeding was going well, babies napped whenever wherever in arms
months 6 - 9: back to being a bit trapped as started trying to get babies off contact naps so did gentle sleep training in their cot. Also weaning made life hard as it’s an endless cycle of milk then food then milk then food
months 9 - 12: back to socialising loads once down to 2 naps and solids better established, only downside compared to months 3 - 6 is baby is keen to be on the move!

I know people who’ve had easy babies and loved how easy it’s been getting out and about. I had two tricky babies, I would have LOVED to be out there. I really wasn’t making a rod for my own back, but I had two babies that - at particular ages/stages - wouldn’t just slot in, no matter how hard I tried. When I could get out i always did.

As everyone's said, it depends so much on the baby. My first never slept in the buggy and screamed in the car so that was very confining. She thrived in a routine and everything went to shit if the routine broke, also we were exhausted so had little energy to take chances.

My second was a happy relaxed baby which meant I could be much more flexible, she could nap while out and about etc. It was a million times more enjoyable,

Mine wasn't! I was pretty much laid back, the only thing I organised was baby massage for 6 weekly sessions when he was tiny but that's all. If I wanted to go out then we would but nothing was ever organised until last minute!

Mine was coping with a new baby, a dh newly diagnosed with MS & attending consultants & physio appointments with him & coping with severe pnd & suicidal thoughts. No going out meeting friends or going to baby groups.

Mine was boring and lonely, combined with being tied to a small dictator who would cry/poo/sleep/cry again. I really missed adult company during the day and would have loved to meet up with friends (obviously with howling/pooing/sleeping baby in tow) but maybe that isn't the case for your friend

Yep I'm very busy. Baby is 16 weeks and we have something on every day although this is by choice - baby groups etc. although my life doesn't revolve around her naps, she naps if I am out regardless so I don't feel restricted. Also breastfeed so I can feed on the go quite easily.

Oh absolutely.

With my DC1 and 3, I decided they should have colic and reflux, scream for hours on end for months straight and only chill out around 7 months

With DC2, I "chose" for him to be the most calm baby in the world. Until weaning age and he was allergic to many foods and all bell broke lose and we didn't sleep for years.

Sure! I chose that!

Yeah the days fly in by the time you've got them up, fed, changed, play for a bit then they need a nap then lunch then another change then another nap and by then it's the afternoon and nearly time to start the dinner.

Also, going anywhere with young children is just a massive pain in the arse so when you do go out it's usually somewhere that is easy and caters for young children eg soft play.

Now that my baby is eating 3 meals a day (can take up to an hour each time with clean up) and napping twice a day consistently I feel very tied to home even though I’m not routine orientated at all. I think if you don’t have children it’s just so hard to imagine what it is like, I didn’t have a clue! It’s been quite the shock!

I chose colic, tongue tie and PND for my first maternity, got to have something to do, haven’t you? This time I’m on maternity early having chosen PGP, still haven’t decided what to get when the baby comes to make a big deal out of – reflux sounds like a good shout, maybe a side of not napping?

Your choice! All your choice according to some.

In all seriousness, you deserve a very chilled out baby and I hope you get one.
PGP is rotten.

It can be a bit like that if you have a baby on very regimented sleep, but also there's a lot of cancelling meet ups with babies being unwell and babies or mums not sleeping!

I always found the whole timetabled day seemed to be really freedom-limiting, but then I was quite lucky and had babies who'd sleep anywhere. I can imagine if your LO is really all over the place without a routine that would be a difficult and limiting as well, so a timetable is better in those cases. But I would always suggest only being that regimented if you find you need it, not establishing because you think you ought to.

Not for me. However I did have set groups I attended. DC1 would only nap on me so it didn't matter if we were at home or not. DC2 would nap anywhere, particularly the pram. I enjoyed being out and about and seeing people and hated being home alone.

Oh of course, I'm not trying to pretend this is possible for everyone! Did it come across that way? To be honest my baby is very much like you describe - I always describe him as a velcro baby. He won't sleep alone (unless it's a nap in the buggy). I don't get evenings, same as you. I have to go to bed when he does, otherwise he just wakes and wants me. I don't want to do cry it out. I've suffered with PND so it hasn't all been a breeze for me. In my post i just meant 'flexible' as in we don't stay indoors when he's due a nap, like how OP described in her first post..