Was your maternity leave like this?

[Floppy123]

I've met up with a friend who's on it, and she says she's so busy all the time, any meetups have to be planned weeks in advance because every day revolves around nap and feeding times and that she just doesn't have much time to stay in touch with people. She said she thought she'd have a lot of free time but that it's just non stop.
I've not had any children so no experience of it , just wondered what other experiences were like?

My first mat leave was a bit like your friends to start, then I figured out that no power on earth, not even Ford, would get DD taking nice naps in her cot, so I gave up and embraced the chaos, and let her sling nap as we were out and about.

I have twins. (I don't have the energy to expand on this.)

I had an easy (but hungry) breastfeeding baby in the daytime, so I used to drive him to a weekly NCT meetup/1 or 2 classes a week at 10am, wake him, do class, have lunch, another nap at 2pm.

At night he woke every 2 hours for over a year so I was a husk of a person, plus bored, and I have never been so glad for a period of time to end. I work 3 days a week now and he starts school next year.

Meant to add - he never did one cot nap ever, always in the buggy, so it didn't matter if I was out or in.

Yes my mat leave was like your friend's at times. One of my friends without DC has literally written me off because I wasn't in touch with her enough. Keeping a human alive and happy is tougher than any paid employment I've ever had and for me it eliminated any capacity I had to be a good friend to anyone, for about a year. Please stand by your friend, it is an amazing time for her but also really hard.

Yeah it's bloody hard and time consuming.

But also I found that I just couldn't be arsed with people that weren't considerate. People expecting me to meet them at times that were convenient for them but not me. Or meeting half way. Can you just take lunch and a coffee to her house at a time that suits her? Be helpful and supportive?

My DH was the one home with them and he said it was nonstop. He handed them off to me at 7pm when I got in from work and then went off to night classes or to do his Uni work. Usually until gone midnight. Then I’d hand them back at 5:30am when I left for work. We both did night wakings. He is a gem he even coped with shoulder surgery and one arm in a sling for a few months. So he had to perfect the one armed nappy change.

Incidentally as a nanny I’ve had to work to Gina Ford a few times and swore I’d never do it myself. A lot of it is confirmation bias, and her advice when the lunchtime nap starts to go to shit is to cut the morning one to 5-10 minutes.

it is utterly soul destroying to get a baby to sleep only to go in and haul them out of bed after five minutes

Yes. I was knackered from lack of sleep with both, healing from c sections early on, and breastfeeding (difficulties with both so I hardly wanted to do it in public for the first at least 6 months). And until you've been there, you've no idea how precious naptime is once they're happy napping in their own room and you finally get some peace on your own, to sleep or shower or just watch TV and eat crisps without someone crying at you 😂
Don't get me wrong of course it was lovely a good chunk of the time, but those precious baby free naptimes were not going to be spent rushing about. And having a baby accustomed to getting to sleep by themselves, in their cot/bed around the 6+ month mark pays enormous dividends in sleep for the whole family in the first few years. The likes of Gina Ford are batshit, going against practically all scientific research and advice, but wake windows and by extension a regular nap schedule are so important. It gets much easier around the 12-15 month mark mark when most are only having 1 midday nap (though of course mat leave is over by then)

My mar leave with dc1 went by in a blur, I was shell shocked with having a baby. With dc2, I was determined to be different, I chilled out and enjoyed it, even with 2 dc I seemed to have more time for things. I am one person, everyone is different.

I would cut her some slack, otherwise she'll just see you as one more pressure.

I was lonely as hell and would’ve been grateful for some company!

Mine wasn't like that at all... I was soo bored!
DD was an OK baby, not super difficult or easy but would nap in the pram/carrier/when held. I found myself desperately trying to think of things to do... went to aldi about 3 times a week for only a couple of things at a time!
Disclaimer: only just coming out of lockdown so there wasn't much to do

No, my mat leave isn’t like that although I do get in to a bit of a flap if somebody wants to come round and the house is a tip! I need at least a days notice.

Getting out the house is tricky but once we’re out it’s usually all good but then my baby naps anywhere and lots don’t. If he didn’t maybe my mat leave would have been different.

DD happily napped in the sling and bf so I found it easy getting out & about.

However, caveat, I was on mat leave during 2020 lockdowns and, frankly, once things opened up, albeit briefly, even if she’d been a cot napper on a rigid schedule, I think I’d have screwed wheels onto the cot and dragged it out with me in order to meet someone for coffee or lunch, or go to an in-person baby class. I’d have almost literally done anything to have that sense of normality, vs walking round the streets on my own.

Personally speaking, I had bundles of time (again, possibly covid lockdown related!) - I binge watched most of Netflix, left DH to deal with house jobs, and gave zero shits about the state of my appearance. I also was lucky enough to have a non-sicky/poopy baby so could leave the house with a few nappies, wipes, the obligatory muslin and some Percy pigs in case I was peckish.

I walked a LOT, DS would only sleep on me or on the move and I was so touched out I'd put him in the pram and walk miles listening to podcasts etc, we live by the coast so it was pleasant. I did see people for coffee saw my retired DF quite a lot and we visited people mostly at weekends when DH was off too. My friends were working so there weren't many people available. I also had a winter baby do there was lots of time on the sofa, fire lit, watching terrible Christmas films. It's the most exhausting thing I've done especially the first 0-6 months

I had notions of learning a 4th language on mat leave 😂😂😂

I had one of each of these baby types.

Getting out of the house is a bit of hassle tbh. Why not offer to visit her at home so she doesn't have to worry about that?

Like all things, it goes in stages. If she had a c-section or tore badly during the birth, that is hugely going to affect how active she can be for the first few weeks/couple of months or so. Not all women bounce back from birth injuries within a few weeks...often the effects linger on for months or even years, which people forget.

Then there's the disrupted sleep. People simply do not function particularly well if they're being woken every 2-3 hours for an extended period of time. That should get better as time goes on but there are no guarantees. Many young children are poor sleeps right up until they go to school (and some continue to be even after that - just see MN boards about 'My 5 yo won't sleep' or 'My 8yo is up at 4am every day').

It can also be quite draining looking after a baby. It's quite physical - constant nappy changing, bathing, lots of bending over, carrying them, chasing them when they start to crawl! And that's difficult when you're recovering from birth. Then all babies cry and need comfort, and some cry for hours on end due to reflux/colic. It's difficult to be particularly good company when you've spent from 5pm to midnight the night before trying to settle a screaming baby... it traumatises you to some degree. And then there's the feeding marathons...hours and hours of a baby attached to your breast when you're exhausted and sore.

Then there's the logistics of getting out of the house and caring for a baby away from home. For example, if you have a fussy baby, even basic hygeine like washing and showering can be a challenge to fit it if you're on your own without someone to hold the baby. It can be a struggle if you're sleep-deprived and your baby is screaming at the top of their lungs...you stop functioning effectively. It takes time to establish breastfeeding as well and not all women feel comfortable breastfeeding in public. Yes, some babies are quiet and latch on neatly so there's barely anything showing, and you'd hardly notice they were there but not all babies are like this. Mine needed everything uncovered and would scream loudly if they couldn't latch effectively, drawing all eyes to my state of semi-nudity 😬.

Though it's true that with the second one, a lot of these problems melt away because needs must. In my case, that means ignoring the screaming, mixed feeding and occasionally leaving the house knowing a nappy change is needed because I absolutely have to pick up my older one on time. You do lower your standards by the second one ime.

Like a few PP said it’s horrendously difficult to get out if you’re pumping. For the first 3 months I was pumping 8 times a day and washing and sterilising everything and DD would not nap in her pram and I barely left the house. I was still pumping at 8 months but only 2x per day by then, things got gradually better as I dropped pumps/ stopped pumping and she dropped naps and by the time she was 9 months we were getting out every day, so it really depends on the circumstances.

My NCT friend did a course in advanced German during her mat leave.

That should have referenced a PP about leaning a language!

I went out and about on my two mat leaves (after I'd recovered from my c sections). I breastfed, and perfected the art of feeding in the sling when needed, and they would nap in the buggy, sling or car seat. I did have to work around naps a bit in the sense of allowing them to stay where they were once they started napping, so if I drove or walked somewhere at naptime I'd have to stay in the car/leave them in the buggy til they'd finished their nap. Trying to transfer them from one to another never worked!
I spent mat leave meeting friends, going to national trust places with my retired dad, days out with the in laws (not out of duty, they're lovely), baby groups and perhaps my personal favourite baby cinema, where I would breast feed baby to sleep, drink my free hot choc and watch one of the latest releases. Aaah those were the days!

Dc2 is 10 weeks and since 5 weeks I've been at the gym with her for a hour and a half 6 days per week, meet up with a friend for walk or coffee once or twice a week, the house is clean and tidy with washing up to date (I cannot stand the house being messy) and I drop off/pick up my son from school each day. However she is an easy baby, sleeps well at night (wakes up twice for feeds and goes straight back to sleep) and I'm very relaxed about routine in the day.

I can imagine if you have a poorly baby or one who doesn't sleep, or you are obsessive about day time routine then maternity leave might not be as much fun.

At times, but thankfully my baby slept in the pram so that made it easier to go out. I did feel restricted by bottles and reflux and general baby grumpiness though, and usually only went out in the morning. There's also more housework to do, with lots of laundry, nappies, bottle washing by hand, keeping everything sanitised, floors clean when you have a crawler - all of these things are difficult when you have a baby that screams when you put it down. And often on disrupted and minimal sleep.

It's not a fun, relaxing holiday. In my experience you are constantly tense, just waiting for the next cry to attend to whatever it is they need. Some people are less anxious and/or have more placid babies and probably have a much nicer time. Towards the end of mat leave when everything was easier I did get bored and was keen to go back to work and use my brain for more than figuring out nap timings and weaning.

I had two friends like that and Gina Ford was in vogue as a while ago. I went very much with the flow and did a morning at the gym and took an art class and chucked the baby in a crèche. He wasn’t a decent sleeper till six months.