Grieving the future I thought I would have

[Dumbledormer]

First of all I know IABU but I’m posting in AIBU because I could do with some straight talkers as I’m getting myself in a right state.

So, I’m currently on my second pregnancy. First pregnancy was difficult but my gorgeous DS was born 5 weeks early and fortunately (for the most part) is now a healthy and robust 15 month old. Recently had my 20 week scan for my second and, again fortunately, baby looks healthy so all good there. What was less good was the discussion with the consultant afterwards who told me my placenta was low (again) and partially covering my cervix and was also forward facing, so very close to my c-section scar. Very similar to how problems with my first pregnancy started but with the new added risk of my c-section scar. I knew straight away that she was concerned about it potentially developing in to placenta accreta. She mentioned that at my next scan if it hadn’t moved I’d have to be transferred to a more specialised unit in a large city miles away from where we are now and basically baby would be delivered under general anaesthetic and probably again, prematurely.

I knew a bit about placenta accreta from my previous pregnancy research but I did way too much googling since I’ve been home and I’ve just been in tears since (and believe me, I’m not normally a crier). Firstly, I am utterly devastated at the thought of having another prem baby, it was the worst experience of my life with DS and I have such huge respect and awe for the parents that spend months in ICU/SCBU but it’s not something I would ever wish to experience again.

Secondly, there is the risk to my life and (what I didn’t know) is there is also a high risk of having to have a hysterectomy.

My priority is obviously getting my baby out as safely as possible but I feel incredibly sad at the thought of only having two children and having the decision to have a third effectively taken away. I’d always imagined having a large family and it’s something my DH always wanted as well.

Has anyone else experienced anything even slightly similar or can give me a kick to say 2 healthy children is the absolute dream for most families so if you can get that, you should not want anything else.

I can understand how worried you must feel. Life rarely turns out how we picture it.

I had two children, that were thankfully healthy, and thought I may have wanted a third, after having my 2nd, he was such a difficult baby, that a third was out of the question.

If I was in your shoes, I would just focus on today, look after yourself, and take each day as it comes.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Try to focus on the fact that your first is healthy and precautions are a good thing.

The priority has to be your health and well being - you have 1 DC who needs their mum and one on the way who will need you too.

Don't add an imaginary future onto your burdens now. Focus on what you do have

I know it’s easy for me to say but you’re thinking of the worst case scenario here. The placenta may move upwards for your next scan, making a straight forward birth more likely. Don’t think of the bad things that could happen, too soon

I'm sorry for your situation and hope both you and baby stay safe and healthy.

As for worrying about the long term future of potentially having a third child whilst in these circumstances, yes you absolutely need a kick (and I do mean that kindly). Also please don't ever let this child feel that you harbour any resentment if you do end up with a hysterectomy. I know someone whose mother qas left unable to have more children by the pregnancy with them and loves to mention it all the time, the lovely big family she would have liked. I'm sure you won't do that, but just another reason to give your head a wobble now before you let those thoughts about being robbed of a certain future linger any further from now on....

I'm so sorry OP. I can imagine how worrying this must be for you. I wish you all the very best for a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery of your baby.
Regarding a third baby - I do understand your disappointment. Life sadly often doesn't work out as we plan. I have several friends who desperately wanted children and are now too old. I would say try and enjoy what you have. We were also considering a third but I got cancer when my second was a baby. It just couldn't happen. I do enjoy my life and feel very thankful to have 2 healthy children.
You're still in shock now and have all this worry to deal with. Allow yourself to process this worry and grieve for the future you thought you'd have.

Firstly, I’m keeping everything crossed that your placenta moves and all is well.

I haven’t had quite this experience but can maybe empathise a bit. When I had my first baby I had a massive bleed - 7 litres, ITU admission. Though I was lucky enough to avoid hysterectomy, neither of us felt ready to have another baby for 5 years and we have ended up with 2 DC rather than than the 3 I think we’d have had (and originally wanted) were it not for quite such a traumatising and complex experience. We are however very happy now - but it’s absolutely ok to be sad for the loss of all your imaginings about the birth and beyond.

thinking of you and be kind to yourself

Secondly, there is the risk to my life and (what I didn’t know) is there is also a high risk of having to have a hysterectomy. - is this what the consultant has told you or what you have googled?

There are degrees of this problem and it does not help to steep yourself in worst case scenarios. There is a spectrum of severity.

It sounds as though your consultant has all bases covered for the well-being of you and your baby. I know it is disappointing and worrying for you both, but you are getting good care; and truly this is a time to live in the moment, do all that you are told medically and stop googling! The chances are that all will be fine.

Blessed google!

The world is hugely over populated and life is getting harder and more expensive every day. Having a large family in these times really doesn't make sense IMO, you never know what is around the corner. It's sad that your choice has been taken away (which can often feel the worst thing) but the more children you have the less time they each get so concentrate on giving the children you have the best life you can rather than wanting more and more.

Gently, you're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, the worst most unproductive kind of worrying there is. Pregnancy throws so many curveballs at us there's absolutely no point in getting any further ahead at taking it one week at a time; relax, enjoy your growing family, and cross the next bridge if and when it comes to it. Additional stress will get you nowhere.

To some extent YANBU, we all have hopes and if your hope was a large family this news will be disappointing.

However, to some extent YABU - you have received modern care that has meant these pregnancies have been managed to prevent you having disastrous outcomes.

It is an important balancing act to grieve our losses and then also to count our blessings. I really hope this pregnancy goes well

OP YANBU to worry about your baby being premature and the risk to your own health and life. I hope things work out well for you and your baby.

But YABU to come on a site where many people are suffering infertility and moan about only having 2 children. It’s a bit insensitive.

Sorry this is happening to you. Were you not warned after your first difficult pregnancy/birth? The OB who delivered my DS told me in no uncertain terms not to get pregnant again as the risk to me and the baby was too great. So I didn’t. I have a disabled child that I am very thankful for as I nearly had nothing and didn’t survive myself either. Hope all goes well for you.

This is incredibly callous.

She's traumatised from her first birth experience and just been given upsetting news about her second. A hysterectomy would cause early menopause BTW so even if sorrow olympics were a real thing, she'd beat you.

People are being awful. OP, ignore them. You've received a shock, you're understandably worried. Take care of yourself.

Congratulations on the pending new arrival! In your shoes, I’d concentrate on thinking about two things:

Focus on what you have, not some ideal you thought might be out there. I have three friends, all of whom have had infertility struggles. But the happiest of those is the one who accepted the fact that she’d only have one child after a lengthy struggle. And yes, while she openly admits that she’d have liked a big family, her perspective is very much one of “after all those struggles and setbacks, I was so lucky to have my DS”. The other two people I know pursued their dream of two kids as far as they could - and both had another child, but with such a large age gap that it wasn’t the setup they’d originally envisaged and gone through so much for.

Focus on the fact that, without medical science, you and your DS would likely not be here. That’s harsh, but sobering. You had a dream that couldn’t be reality, because, in reality, you aren’t someone who has easy pregnancies. So the two children you have had are miracles of modern science!

I think it’s hard to let go of an “ideal” that you’ve held for so long - it’s human nature. But in your case you will have what most people would consider a wonderful outcome and there will be some genuine upsides from the position you are in (more time, more money, more opportunities). Focus on those.

2 children is a dream. I can’t have any. Think about how lucky you really are, I know it’s not what you envisioned but you ate still
luckier than some.

I had this and the placenta moved by the next scan at 32 weeks.

try not to get ahead of yourself, which isn’t easy when you have so many ifs

sliw down and take it one day at a time.

enjoy your baby and look forward with some hope it’ll be ok

Try to take a deep breath and not catastrophise too much.

I had placenta accreta with my first - was taken to theatre for the placenta to be removed and after an hour was asked to sign the forms for them to put me under, and acknowledge the risk of hysterectomy, threat to life, etc. I asked to see my DH before I signed the forms because it was all just such a shock - and not what I had imagined it would be like giving birth to my first baby at 26...

In my case they didn't operate, just left part of it behind (gave 3 litres of blood due to blood loss as they removed what they could) and it did come away itself ten days later.

I then had complications in my next pregnancy partly due to issues with first but I'd had secondary infertility issues and with a seven year age gap we'd already accepted that this would be us - that the risk to my health was too great to have any more, especially as I got older.

I think it's still v early days for you. Try not to google too much because you don't know how online stories will compare to your diagnosis (I remember a weekend of horror in my second pregnancy when googling a phrase/diagnosis led to full scale panic which ended up fine).

I would have chosen three or four kids in theory but my oldest is now 22 and I have no real regrets about where we are at this point in our lives. Even having two kids you are very fortunate - the rest of my siblings are either childless or have one child and all of them would have chosen in ideal circumstances to have at least two... BUT you are also allowed to be upset at losing something you wanted!

I say this kindly but I think you're catastrophizing. Even in the worst case scenario, two children and a good husband is the dream of lots of people. Try not to worry too much.

I would organise some counselling.
You have not recovered from the experience of your first baby, and sound triggered by a potential future issue with this baby.
Lots of support and help will go a long way and not googling, but just taking every day as it comes and knowing you are both being cared for.
It is the worst case scenario and nobody would blame you for feeling concerned, but at this point there is no reason to imagine you will be facing this.

Aw I’m sorry op, there is nothing scarier than pregnancy problems especially after a prem baby. I had my second daughter last year at 28+6 due to severe pre eclampsia (born on 0 percentile), we spent 2.5 months in hospital two hours away from home and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I can understand completely how you feel about the worry of having another prem baby. We were the same and decided we were done, I couldn’t risk another baby even if we wanted a third. And then in august this year I had some random car sickness, did a test which was an immediate positive, booked a private scan and I was almost 17 weeks. We were terrified. In all honesty if we had found out earlier we would have terminated to avoid the possibility of having another prem baby. We both almost died, my daughter is smashing all her mile stones but had awful undiagnosed allergies and reflux and ended up being tube fed but we are now weaning from the tube. She’s just started walking the last few days (12 months corrected and milestones just hit differently with a preemie ❤️). But the NICU trauma is very real and never goes. The simplest cold sends me into overdrive thinking about all the times I almost lost her.
I will be 30 weeks tomorrow, so later than when I had my daughter, and I had a growth scan yesterday and baby is hovering just below the 50th percentile. I still can’t believe it. What I mean is every pregnancy is different. I can’t believe my middle daughter was born by now. She was born 2lbs 1oz and my current pregnancy is 3lbs 5oz already. This is a different pregnancy, different baby, your placenta has time to move, they know of issues so they can monitor you like a hawk (I’ve had 12 scans already!). Try to stay focussed on looking after yourself, trusting your drs but ask all the questions and lean into your MW for support. That’s what they are there for. They have looked after all sorts of clinical scenario’s before. I found my hypnobirthing class helps me stay calm, even though this will be my first elective section fingers crossed (had two emergency sections) the BRAIN acronym is really useful and so are the mindfulness/breathing techniques.

I do know someone who experienced the second worst case (hysterectomy after this problem). She grieved that the choice had been taken from her but she was grateful to be alive and accepted the family she had been blessed with. Life doesn't always do what we want but we just have to get on deal in our own way.

I understand a little I had placenta praevia & was so scared for the whole of pregnancy.

I spent most of it in hospital from around 22 weeks with bleeding. Dc was born 4 weeks early & healthy in the main. I was so thankful we got to that as I had bleeding throughout & was on bed rest. I too remember signing those forms.

It’s a scary place to be to see your mortality in front of you & at a time that is supposed to be happy.

I have no other words but to say be kind to yourself & ignore the competitive & any unkind posters.

Best of luck. 💐💐

I can’t comment on the medical side of things although I have had a baby on NICU. I think other posters have given good advice about that.

But OP, you said you wanted to kick so I firmly believe that how you deal with these types of curve balls is a choice. You can’t control a lot of things in life but you can choose your attitude. It will take time but you can choose to accept that you will have two children & embrace it or you can spend your lives (& theirs) regretting the fact that you couldn’t have more. As PP have said it’s a balance between mourning your imagined future and counting your blessings.