Grieving the future I thought I would have

[Dumbledormer]

First of all I know IABU but I’m posting in AIBU because I could do with some straight talkers as I’m getting myself in a right state.

So, I’m currently on my second pregnancy. First pregnancy was difficult but my gorgeous DS was born 5 weeks early and fortunately (for the most part) is now a healthy and robust 15 month old. Recently had my 20 week scan for my second and, again fortunately, baby looks healthy so all good there. What was less good was the discussion with the consultant afterwards who told me my placenta was low (again) and partially covering my cervix and was also forward facing, so very close to my c-section scar. Very similar to how problems with my first pregnancy started but with the new added risk of my c-section scar. I knew straight away that she was concerned about it potentially developing in to placenta accreta. She mentioned that at my next scan if it hadn’t moved I’d have to be transferred to a more specialised unit in a large city miles away from where we are now and basically baby would be delivered under general anaesthetic and probably again, prematurely.

I knew a bit about placenta accreta from my previous pregnancy research but I did way too much googling since I’ve been home and I’ve just been in tears since (and believe me, I’m not normally a crier). Firstly, I am utterly devastated at the thought of having another prem baby, it was the worst experience of my life with DS and I have such huge respect and awe for the parents that spend months in ICU/SCBU but it’s not something I would ever wish to experience again.

Secondly, there is the risk to my life and (what I didn’t know) is there is also a high risk of having to have a hysterectomy.

My priority is obviously getting my baby out as safely as possible but I feel incredibly sad at the thought of only having two children and having the decision to have a third effectively taken away. I’d always imagined having a large family and it’s something my DH always wanted as well.

Has anyone else experienced anything even slightly similar or can give me a kick to say 2 healthy children is the absolute dream for most families so if you can get that, you should not want anything else.

Not the same situation at all but I have nearly
died due to a pregnancy and had to make a call not to continue the pregnancy (very early pregnancy) which was awful.

We are talking about having another and speaking to consultants but I think the answer might be we shouldn’t have any more kids and having such a black and white situation is sad. Closing the door is hard esp when it’s not your choice. It’s grieving for the child or children you thought you might have. It’s having the choice taken away for you.

I’m so sorry about your situation and having a premie is hard.

Life sucks some times and it’s ok to be angry about this, I would actively encourage you to be angry, feel all the emotions and acknowledge them so you don’t bottle it all up.

I second this.

My second pregnancy I had placenta accretta and same thing happened. They left apart of it inside after I had to sign consent forms etc.
Unfortunately for me, my baby was born around 21 weeks and didn't make it.

Fast forward 18 months later I got pregnant again.. normal pregnancy.. straightforward birth! Happy 18 month old running around!

Don't worry, don't stress. They will not let you die. A removed womb is better than no life. But like me and this poster. It didn't come to that! And I lost 4 litres of blood too!

It's OK to feel sad. Repeat that with me, it is OK to feel sad, or angry. It is OK to feel however you feel. (Oh my old therapist would be so proud to hear me saying that!). Bear in mind that feelings are not reality, though they are still valid. Let yourself feel them, pushing them down does NOT help long term. But don't wallow. Sit with the feelings, cry if you need/want. Write down why you're upset/angry/frustrated. Write down what you can do or control, and what you can't. And hopefully that will help you acknowledge them and start to move past the feelings to getting on with everything you CAN do and control, with less stress over what you can't. I know its easy to say, hard to do - I've had to do it in other areas and it's tough mental work.

No other advice really. I had one emergency section with a lot of problems pre, during and post, and then a planned one with no complications at all. I was happy knowing I couldn't have any more (fallopian tubes cut by our choice during 2nd section). Honestly I'd have happily had a hysterectomy if it had been an option, but then I've always had monthly problems in that area. I have 2 wonderful children but no desire to go through more of what for me was difficult pregnancies, and the first 6 or so months of baby life (not my fave stage)

Me too. It's very common OP, try not to worry. I do think it's very early to grieve something that may not come to pass. Try not to Google but write all your questions down for your next visit. Once you've written them down you can set them aside since you know you'll get answers.

Sending hugs OP. It sounds really stressful but I agree with the pps that you don't know what is going to happen and all may be fine. The good news is they know about it and can do what is best for you now. The future is always unknown regardless. You may still get to have a third! You may do what I did and decide yourself that two is bloody hard work enough. You just don't know and need instead to concentrate on yourself, your child and your pregnancy one day/week at a time.

Try to think positive, I often jump to worst conclusions but these things are risk factors not certainties. I understand your feelings re hysterectomy. I always wanted 3 or more children but after my 2nd I feel perfectly happy and content with my family so it may be that you naturally won't desire more children after your 2nd arrives. But I do get that possibility being taken away sadness. I did ivf for my first child and was so unbelievably thankful for just the 1. Please don't be sad over something like additional children when you will have 2 amazing ones to love and spend your life with. In the kindest way possible even if you don't have a hysterectomy would a third not be a further strain on you physically and pose additional risks with the complications you seem to be prone too in pregnancy.

I had complete placenta previa with my third, had an MRI scan the day before giving birth at 37 weeks to check for acreta (had a previous CS). It was a complicated delivery, but the surgeon was excellent. She waved her scalpel at my husband and said 'No more children!' We've just had our fourth, three years later with no problems at all. Trust your doctors, don't catastrophise and what will be will be.

OP, I am coming at this from a different angle and I hope you dont mind. I am 60 now, I have one child, I would have liked to have another one but hey, circumstances, I felt quite sad when I hit 50 and knew I was now too old, that the chance had passed, however, you and I are in the lucky position of having a family (you will have 2! )

You will find that by the time you are my age that your family will have grown, there will be in laws, possibly grandchildren, embrace all that comes with it, my dd is wonderful, my son-in-law is a lovely man and my grandson, well, I cant tell you how precious he is to me and DH, I'm not sure we will get another grandchild, not our business, but over the years I am more and more content with what I have, what you end up with will still make you happy even if you 'only' have the 2!

My first baby was born 9 weeks prematurely due to severe placental abruption and we came close to losing both him and me. He spent around 8 weeks in SCBU.

Our second was both 3 weeks early, so not classed as premature but had to spend his first week in SCBU with tummy problems. My waters broke and I had to be induced and heavily monitored after what happened with my first, so I couldn't move off the bed at all and had to have an epidural in case I had to be rushed to theatre.

Neither were the births I had planned or imagined but they are both healthy teenagers now.

I know people who haven't been able to have any, or who lost babies to still birth or SIDS so I don't see myself as anything other than incredibly lucky.

It's ok to grieve what you thought you would have (I did when my marriage ended) but it's also important to accept what you have and cherish that.

Thank you to everyone for your messages. I came on here for a bit of an arse-kicking and most of you have been so kind it’s made me tear up again (bloody hormones).

Too many posts to comment on individually but I’ve read every single one of them and taken your comments on board. To the posters that have mentioned that I am catastrophizing and jumping immediately to the worst case scenario, I absolutely have and have gone straight on to google and scared myself silly. Logically, there is zero point worrying until my next scan and I will deal with that outcome whatever it may be. It’s fair to say I probably haven’t fully dealt with the issues around my DS’s birth and I’ve gone straight into panic mode as I feel like the same thing is happening again.

To everyone who has shared their own stories and experiences - thank you. It is sobering to read peoples experiences with infertility, loss, cancer and nearly losing their own lives as well. It puts my own fears into perspective.

@Fedupmum21 thank you so much for sharing. I had some time in NICU with another mum who had a 28 weeker and it was amazing to see what fighters those tiny little babies are. I’m so glad your daughter is doing well and I completely empathise with the fear of even minor illnesses. I’ve been in hospital 6 times with my DS over the last year with various respiratory illnesses and each time it just brings back all the memories. Congratulations on making it to 30 weeks with this pregnancy! I’ve got everything crossed this one makes it to term and everything goes well for you 🤞

Secondly, there is the risk to my life and (what I didn’t know) is there is also a high risk of having to have a hysterectomy.

Talk to your consultant and the your midwife.Every pregnancy carries a risk to life —- so does crossing a road or travelling in a car, or climbing a ladder. We deal with risk every day.

As pp have said, concentrate on your own well being, be as healthy as you can for when your baby arrives. And keep talking to the professionals — don’t Google the worst case scenarios.

Have you actually been told you have placenta accreta?

This is such a lovely post. Agree totally.