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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let family member see my kids?

49 replies

Yahyahs22 · 28/11/2022 22:40

Would you let a family member who has openly said they do not want a relationship with you outside of seeing your children see your kids? We used to be very close but had a very petty falling out and he has decided he wants nothing (bar seeing my children) to do with me. I have said no as it makes me very uncomfortable but I'm now starting to feel guilty and perhaps I should put it aside and let them see them? My children are 7 months and 2.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 28/11/2022 22:42

Brother?
cousin?
father?
context makes some difference here

PonyPatter44 · 28/11/2022 22:43

No i would not. How would you even facilitate such a thing?

DuckWalkedUpToALemonadeStand · 28/11/2022 22:44

No.

NewJobGoingCrazy · 28/11/2022 22:44

Bar the father , no

TheCatterall · 28/11/2022 22:45

Unless it’s their dad - why does this person need or deserve a relationship with your children?

How do they expect to arrange meetings etc?

Is this person absolutely amazing with two very young children who would forget this person exists within a month?

this sounds like a power play and manipulation on their end. Personally if it’s a petty fall out and they went nuclear and no contact with me - then they lose access to me and my children. They are either in my life or out. Not faffing about like this.

Original poster
Yahyahs22 · 28/11/2022 22:46

Brother. At first he was asking to take the children for a few hours and I said no as I'm still breastfeeding my 7 month old and he is very clingy at the moment as it is. He's only met them I would guess around 5 times. Then he said he would come over to see them. I get terrible anxiety and the thought of that made me incredibly anxious. He said some awful things to me on the phone then said he'll never speak to me again. I started feeling guilty today as I know he really loves my 2 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yahyahs22 · 28/11/2022 22:46

Seen my 7 month old, not my 2 year old. He's seen him an uncountable amount of times.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2022 22:47

No way would I let him see them at all. He sounds really horrible and he certainly wouldn't be talking nicely about you when he was with your children.

Original poster
Yahyahs22 · 28/11/2022 22:48

I won't bore anyone with the details but it was extremely petty. I suspect more is going on in his life and this was a way to blow off some steam.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yahyahs22 · 29/11/2022 09:27

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 29/11/2022 09:32

Tell him he can have a relationship with your children when he is ready to apologise to you and have a relationship with you.

Fraaahnces · 29/11/2022 09:38

nope… what will he say to them about you?

aquapink · 29/11/2022 09:40

What gender are your children OP?

KettrickenSmiled · 29/11/2022 09:41

I started feeling guilty today as I know he really loves my 2 year old.

Eh?
DB chose to be petty.
Chose to make deliberately hurtful remarks.
And is now declaring NC.
Why are YOU the one left feeling guilty?

He doesn't love your 2 year old enough to be civil to its mother.
What's the background here - the historic dynamic between you & DB? Does he have form for manipulating you, getting his own way, making everything all about him?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/11/2022 09:43

No I wouldn't. He can see your children in your company or not at all.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/11/2022 09:43

And no - of course this petty, badmouthing man can't have access to your DC when he is treating their mother so badly.

What makes you think he won't be petty & badmouthing directly to the DC, if you were mad enough to kowtow to his demands?
Especially with you not there to keep a careful ear open for him being petty to THEM, or badmouthing you.

RightOnTheEdge · 29/11/2022 09:44

I'd say no OP. He's got no right to see them when hes treating you badly and they are very young so they won't miss him.
It wouldn't be beneficial for them to spend time with someone who is hostile to their mother.
It might have been different if they were much older and close to him.

icelollycraving · 29/11/2022 09:45

Nope. The dad, I’d facilitate. A brother who dislikes me so much, no. You’d be giving your children really mixed signals about boundaries.

Bonjovispyjamas · 29/11/2022 09:47

I'd be telling him to do one.

wildpeaches · 29/11/2022 09:53

Yahyahs22 · 29/11/2022 09:27

Does anyone have any advice?

Tell him to do one!

He has absolutely no claim on a relationship with your children.

Annon1234 · 29/11/2022 09:54

I can really see this from the other side. I have had a fall out with my brother, I say fall out we had a few words nothing too serious and his wife has chosen not to speak to me for 10 months. However he has 2 children, whose life I have been in since they were born, and I would absolutely break my heart, and there’s if I were told i couldn’t see them any more. I think anyone that is willing to love and be kind to your child is a really special thing

ChocolateCakeYum · 29/11/2022 09:59

My answer would be ‘no’ to your brother.

Any relative who can’t maintain a civil relationship with a parent doesn’t get access to any children. I wouldn’t be able to trust them to a) not slag me off to them and b) treat them the exact same way they treat me if something doesn’t go their way.

Keep toxic people away from children.

Also he wants a few hours with them? Hahahaha these are tiny kids. WtF does he think he is? They need their mum and dad not uncle bozo.

Aprilx · 29/11/2022 10:02

No. At that age your children’s relationships are an extension of yours. I don’t even know how this could work as they grow up, it would be putting them in the middle of something that they don’t deserve to be in the middle of.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/11/2022 10:16

Yahyahs22 · 29/11/2022 09:27

Does anyone have any advice?

You tell your brother quite simply that you are not going to allow him to see your children if he cannot be polite and civil, (I might even push it by saying even friendly) towards the mother of the child(ren) he wants to see.

If he can't get past whatever the petty disagreement is, he doesn't get to see the kids.

They won't miss their uncle, really they won't. You need to surround them and have positive influences in their lives, not negative ones like this one.

ranyBoskie · 29/11/2022 10:19

Hell to the no