To not let family member see my kids?

[Yahyahs22]

Would you let a family member who has openly said they do not want a relationship with you outside of seeing your children see your kids? We used to be very close but had a very petty falling out and he has decided he wants nothing (bar seeing my children) to do with me. I have said no as it makes me very uncomfortable but I'm now starting to feel guilty and perhaps I should put it aside and let them see them? My children are 7 months and 2.

What benefit is there to your dc to have time with a man who can't be nice to their mother. At this age you come as a package. If he wants to build bridges with you all as a family that one thing, but he doesn't get to take the children, that's bonkers.

Absolutely not. Nobody who treated me badly would be allowed to have any kind of access to my kids, let alone unsupervised access.

He's clearly still piling on the manipulation (or worse) if he's making you feel guilty for not letting him meet your babies - including a BF 7mo he wants to take away from you??!! He sounds completely deluded.

Ignore and block. Focus on your little ones.

If in the future he wants to apologies and build a pleasant, respectful and consistent relationship with you, then you can reconsider.

If it was extremely petty then he shouldn't find it hard to aplogise and resolve this. If he chooses not to - but at the same time expects to see your children, then I'd be worried about what is really 'going on in his life'. His approach to this sounds very worrying.

Nope, he wouldn't see my children. I would only be comfortable letting my children see people I trust, and if someone could turn on you and ghost you like that then no there is clearly no trust.

Absolutely not and I would be suspicious of his motives, given that he seems to be so persistent . Tell him you will give your children the choice when they are old enough to decide, ie: when they are grown adults

If it was something petty and you think he may have other things going on then I'd consider saying to him that he can see them when he apologises to you but I don't know what he said to you. An apology might not be sufficient for you.

We don't really know enough about your brother, you or your relationship to fully understand his motivation.

Yes he could be being manipulative to make you feel guilty, but if this is not something he has done before and is a new behaviour then maybe setting else is going on.

I see lots of people who do things like this because they don't cope well with or know how to "do" conflict. He might be hurt, angry, sad about something but not have the skills to work it through with you. His attempt to see the children could be an attempt to keep some kind of relationship with you open. Now this could be because he loves you and knows that he wants to be in your life, or it could be because he is manipulative and enjoys being in control.

Only you know his character and which is more likely.

No he doesn't get to see your dc.

I am nc with relatives and they do not see my dc.

His attempt to see the children could be an attempt to keep some kind of relationship with you open.

That's a bizarrely convoluted way of attempting to keep a relationship open, when DB has already told OP he will never see her again & said awful things to her ...

He said some awful things to me on the phone then said he'll never speak to me again.

No, I wouldn’t let my little children see him.
If he wants to speak to the mother of the children like that, then no, I just wouldn’t trust him with my kids.
If he wants to go no contact instead of sorting out petty disagreements then that’s his choice. Don’t feel guilty. Better they grow up without an arse of an uncle rather than grow up in a family where there’s confusion over what they can talk about with their uncle and not talk about it with their mum.

Or to make you uncomfortable handing your dc over......
He is exercising some control over you op. Your toddler won't care if he is absent...

Beforehand it was always me making plans to see them, never really the other way round. He was great with my eldest when we were there but didn't make an effort to arrange plans with us. So I'm very surprised that all of a sudden it's a huge deal for him to see my children, to the point it's making him 'sick'.

Absolutely no way. Anyone who wants to see my children can be civil and pleasant to me and DH. Anyone who chooses not to doesn’t get to.

This does sound very strange, I definitely agree with everyone else here that he needs to be kind to you, and you don't have to just take behaviour like that from him and then let him see your kids just because he wants to. It's his fault you don't get on so he should feel guilty not you!

He has no right to see your kids unless he can be an adult and kind to you. Stay strong! Do what's best for you and yours :)

This...

Especially with small kids... It's not as if they're adults who would have an independent relationship with him (perhaps!)

Oh what total bullshit OP. (from your brother, not you!)

He's playing mindgames with you.
If not seeing your DC was so upsetting to him that it makes him unwell - he wouldn't have concocted an excuse to stop speaking with or seeing you.

He is using your DC as pawns to manipulate & control you with.

Absolutely not, when he ended his relationship with you he also ended it with your very young children. You would basically be handing them over to someone you don't know and know nothing about as this is what he has now become in your life. How could you possibly know they are safe and you are comfortable with what he says to them?

How old is he ? Is he with a partner? What do they say about it all ?

No, I wouldn't make any effort to faciliate a relationship in your circumstances.

I think if he is capable of treating my badly it is my job to make sure he doesn't treat my children in the same way. So that means no contact with my children at all.

I also think this is a way of controlling you, he doesn't get to do that.

Absolutely not. It would cause endless problems. They are your children, and he is just an uncle. He doesn’t need to be in your childrens life if he doesn’t want to be in yours.

No. Your brother clearly has some issues. Leave him to it. It's very abnormal for him to even think that this request to spend time with your very small children without you is reasonable!!

Thanks for all your replies. It's made me feel so much better as I know I can be too soft sometimes (borderline doormat). So it's really good to know not one comment has told me I'm unreasonable.