Obligations / difficult Christmas

[RubyWho]

Very outing and I don’t care.
Salient details: I am in my 30s. Been with my partner a decade. They are aware of the background below having been there for lots of the abuse and resulting therapy.

background:
I have always struggled around Christmas as it’s the source a huge amount of trauma, and related abuse, that I experienced growing up and then into my early 20s.
The trauma is around a very grim death of one of my parents and the surrounding aftermath, on Christmas Day.
I am also part of a religion that doesn’t celebrate or recognise Christmas.

Dilemma:
DP has an elderly relative whose spouse died a few years ago. They have spent Christmas with various other relatives up to this point but due to their character, are no longer in contact with them nor welcome on Christmas Day.
relative is an extremely difficult person

None of DP’s family are in the position to or want to host Relative.

DP feels guilty and although dislikes this relative intensely thinks we should invite them to stay with us. We do not have a spare room, they will be on the sofa. They refuse to drive so DP will need to collect and drop them off.

Relative knows about my background and issues around Xmas and even if we put down boundaries about asking invasive questions about the situation, they would ignore these and do so.

Our options are:

1. Don’t invite relative. DP feels guilty.
2. DP invites relative and I stay elsewhere (hotel???) for a few days
3. DP stays with relative over Xmas, I stay here on my own. Not ideal.
4. We fuck it all off and run away to join the circus.

Relative lives about 150miles from us so popping in on the day isn’t possible.

What do we do?

1. Tell him to get over himself . IS it his mother?

Another vote for 1.

Not his Mother. Relation of one of his parents.

1. because if DP changes their mind and doesn't go, it couldn't possibly be construed as on you, and if they do go, you get a peaceful gentle Christmas of your own.

Win/win.

3 - expensive though. Could go somewhere with nice pool though. Mmmm room service.

2* even. I can read, honest!

Option 1. Relative is unpleasant and burnt their own bridges don't let them ruin life for you!

1. If dp pulls the guilt card and you do 2 or 3 he can take full responsibility for doing all Christmas prep while you relax.

If its 2 is relative going to make it a nice Christmas or will they expect to be waited on?

So, a 300km round trip at each end of a Christmas to transport host someone unpleasant who none of you like and who isn't welcome anywhere else because they behave so badly?

Even without your traumatic experiences, it would be a hard no from me. Actions have consequences, and relatives shouldn't be immune from this.

DP does all Xmas prep anyway and more than pulls their weight so no worries there.

if 2) they’d do all the work as they like to “have someone to look after”. Relative also thinks I am terrible awful un-woman for not having tea on the table the second DP arrives home from work. And I don’t iron.

nah Someone else can take them
it’s their own problem no one wants them
and it’s their own problem they can’t be polite when you have them over
I’m sure if they were lovely you’d have them stay despite your history right?
so not your problem. I wouldn’t be booted out my house for them.
let dp go, or he says no to them
why does he feel guilty for them and not for you

1. Don't invite relative. DP gets over his guilt

1. without a doubt.

Your relative may not even be bothered about spending Christmas by themselves.
They’re difficult and have alienated people - your DP doesn’t like them. You’re both probably be miserable, this person probably won’t appreciate it and spend the day moaning anyway. What is the point in this? There are far too any feeling of guilt and obligation around Christmas - toxic & manipulative people latch on to this.

Some further details:

DP feels torn as feels guilty either way - either he upsets me, or relative.

Relative has been dropping heavy hints about being on their own over Xmas.

I think option 1 is reasonable. The relative has burnt their bridges with the rest of the family, unfortunately they will now need to make peace with the consequences.

Well, maybe relative should have been nicer to their previous hosts.

If he invites them now, and nobody else is left, they'll be "heavy hinting" next year too.

4
Or at a pinch
1

Why spend Christmas alone, away from your partner, for the benefit of someone you don't love or even like? That's the ultimate in being a martyr. And as we all know, nobody loves a martyr.
You & DP are being drawn into FOG...Fear Obligation and Guilt.

Break free from FOG! Promise yourself a great Christmas with your DP.

Leave the relative to fend for themselves.

How about 4-
you both go to where relative is, but stay in a nice hotel and take relative out for the day for Christmas dinner. Relative will bitch and moan anyway but you’ll have a nice neutral day. And DH is ‘treating’ the relative nicely so feels good.

win win

4

How guilty is OP likely to be in that scenario?

1 - 100%

Secret option 5 - I tell everyone to JUST BUGGER OFF.

Dammit mine was meant to be 5! New option !

This one. Except your DP, presumably.