Obligations / difficult Christmas

[RubyWho]

Very outing and I don’t care.
Salient details: I am in my 30s. Been with my partner a decade. They are aware of the background below having been there for lots of the abuse and resulting therapy.

background:
I have always struggled around Christmas as it’s the source a huge amount of trauma, and related abuse, that I experienced growing up and then into my early 20s.
The trauma is around a very grim death of one of my parents and the surrounding aftermath, on Christmas Day.
I am also part of a religion that doesn’t celebrate or recognise Christmas.

Dilemma:
DP has an elderly relative whose spouse died a few years ago. They have spent Christmas with various other relatives up to this point but due to their character, are no longer in contact with them nor welcome on Christmas Day.
relative is an extremely difficult person

None of DP’s family are in the position to or want to host Relative.

DP feels guilty and although dislikes this relative intensely thinks we should invite them to stay with us. We do not have a spare room, they will be on the sofa. They refuse to drive so DP will need to collect and drop them off.

Relative knows about my background and issues around Xmas and even if we put down boundaries about asking invasive questions about the situation, they would ignore these and do so.

Our options are:

1. Don’t invite relative. DP feels guilty.
2. DP invites relative and I stay elsewhere (hotel???) for a few days
3. DP stays with relative over Xmas, I stay here on my own. Not ideal.
4. We fuck it all off and run away to join the circus.

Relative lives about 150miles from us so popping in on the day isn’t possible.

What do we do?

Sorry, DP.

DP is golden child who will never be considered guilty or responsible. Except for in their own mind as they’re sweet / need a stern talking to / require therapy and a shake

Hmmm, you search and book something you fancy, with a pool, nearby. Invite for lunch at hotel or pop round

You're never going to win then, so you might as well go for it and enjoy yourself if you're going to get the flak anyway. Option 4.

I don’t really understand this.

is your DP is his parent’s GC (so there is a scapegoat child too and parents are possibly narcissistic?). Where do you think his people pleasing/guilt has come from?

It is one thing to do a 300 miles round trip to pick up a much loved aunt, who has been kind and will enjoy and appreciate spending Christmas Day with you but this relative sounds nothing like that - they sound horrible.

DP is the eldest and therefore relatives favourite. They are v vocal about this. They are sort of “take them leave them” about DP’s siblings.

relative is not one of DP’s parents who were normal, lovely, kind people.

DP’s line is “sometimes you do things you don’t like so an old (person) isn’t alone and sad at Christmas, it’s called being an adult”.
no it’s called being a mug.

Even if the old person in question is clearly a cunt?

1. All the way.... Natural consequences... Being older steamy mean you get to be obnoxious and still get invited. If you're horrible no one will like you...relative should have been nicer at least polite

1 or 4

1 and you Dp looks to unpick why they would feel guilty

Visit relative after Christmas (and stay in a hotel) - because “you are both going to Fuerteventura for Xmas”

Actually there are some deals….

1. people need to feel the consequences of their actions. Constantly sweeping them under the carpet isn’t helpful. Plus why should you sacrifice your Christmas when it’s such a tough time of year or you?

I would be worried about setting precedent. It’s one thing sucking it up this year and getting through it, but what happens next year? You said no one else would welcome her… personally I would go for option 2 and tell your DP it’s a one year only thing!

1- point out DH will feel guilty either way, who would he rather upset? His wife or someone he doesn’t like but happens to be related to

You realise if you do it this year you will feel obligated to do so every year!
every Christmas

or if it turns into a shit show that’s your excuse to say no every year after this

Book yourselves onto a Christmas cruise

I know you said popping in isn’t an option but a few weeks ago my fiancé and I drove 147 miles to see his Nan for a few hours. Granted it was a tedious day but we left ours at 10:30am and were back home with a McDonald’s by 9pm successfully pushing down the guilt for another year.

Could you not do this a day or two before or after Christmas?

We are both working up to the 23rd; have plans on the 24th and then the 26th. I’m working 27th onwards. DP is not so he could go and visit for the day either before the 23rd or 27th or whenever. The issue for him - and relative - is the actual Christmas Day.
I will suggest a Christmas adjacent visit. I shan’t be in attendance

Does the area local to the relative have a Xmas drop in lunch for the "on their own" locals? Usually run by one of the churches, you only need to reserve your place, usually lunch is free (with donations accepted) and if they ask nicely, someone will collect and drop.

Maybe DP could assuage their guilt by organising the place at the lunch, someone to collect and drop them back and paying a donation to ensure relative is sorted. Then visit before the 23rd or after the 27th for a day, being home with you by the 31st to see in the New Year...

DP should put you, not relative, first - after all, he's in a relationship with you, not with relative, and you should be his priority. He can feel as guilty as he likes about not hosting relative, but he doesn't get to assuage that guilt by inviting them and upsetting you, his partner. In short - he's your partner and he needs to put you first.