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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to reconcile with best friend?

48 replies

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 17:39

Long story short: had a male best friend since school, I had a real thing for through college/uni but never got brave enough to say for do anything about it, then met my now DH.
Stayed close, both happily with other people, then the night before my wedding he told me he had always been in love with me.
Obviously things went south between us then, and nothing was really the same after that as I couldn't believe how selfish he was being with the timing etc especially when he knew I was well and truly happy with DH.

Anyway I told DH that he had said some things that had upset me and we kind of drifted apart, but didn't go into detail. Since then friend still stays in touch but from a distance - sends a birthday card, sent a card and gift for DS when he was born, sometimes texts but is generally lead by me and I never contact him off my own back.

It's been nearly four years of this now and I really, really miss him. I don't have feelings for him, I just really miss my best friend. I'm going through some things at the moment and I just want to be able to call him up and talk to him like we used to - the only thing stopping me is well, me, really.

AIBU to just do it? I would be betraying DH wouldn't I? I know that friend would jump at the opportunity to be proper friends again...I just never imagined my life without him in it, coming over with his kids in the Christmas holidays etc (when he has them!), all meeting up for picnics in the park etc....I don't know if I'm being naive and stupid to think it could be like that now...

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/11/2022 17:44

Unless you sleep with him or carry on a romantic relationship of some sort you are not betraying your dh.

So long as you make it crystal clear to him that you are after the friendship that you had and nothing else, I don't see what harm you are doing.

cookiesbeforepookies · 28/11/2022 17:46

YABU I'm afraid. As you say, it would be a betrayal of DH, because you both had feelings for each other.

Someone who tells you he is love with you the day before your wedding is pretty manipiulative.

StoneofDestiny · 28/11/2022 17:47

can you not discuss the 'things you are going through' with your super best friend ie your husband?

Tothemoonandbackx · 28/11/2022 17:57

He's no friend, he chose the night before you were going to get married to tell you how he felt, if he genuinely did want to be with you, he would have told you al ot sooner. I think he realised that once you were married, he wouldn't have you in his life as much amd probably panicked about loosing his best friend to another man.

CowPie · 28/11/2022 18:08

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/11/2022 17:44

Unless you sleep with him or carry on a romantic relationship of some sort you are not betraying your dh.

So long as you make it crystal clear to him that you are after the friendship that you had and nothing else, I don't see what harm you are doing.

This. Though I’d want in your shoes to be quite certain I didn’t have any vestige of sexual feeling for him that might be rekindled if you started more regular contact. Because that’s a mindfuck no one needs, and it would wreck all kinds of things regardless of whether it was requited or unrequited.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:17

@StoneofDestiny I do discuss these things with my DH, but I do also feel like there's a gap in my life since I lost (or decided to distance myself) with this friendship.

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 28/11/2022 18:18

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your DH who wanted to be bessies with a woman who was in love with him, had tried to sabotage his wedding and that he’d had underlying feelings for for many years. Of course it’s a betrayal. If you don’t agree then why don’t you tell your DH the whole story and see what he has to say?

Righthandcider · 28/11/2022 18:20

This sounds like it could be risky.

You don't have feelings for him now, but you did once and you now know that he loved you too. The itch (sorry for the horrible terminology) remains unscratched. The curiosity about what might have been may still linger.

Is there any chance that old feelings could be rekindled? If you went through a bad patch with your DH for example?

The other part of this can of worms is that the two of you would be keeping a shared secret from your DH. That's a hard thing to do over many years, practically and psychologically. One time or another it's going to be 'in the air' between you. Your instinct told you to keep the details of that conversation from your husband at the time - otherwise it would have cast a shadow on the day. You did nothing wrong by staying quiet, but I wonder if your uncomfortable feelings now are rooted in the fact that you'd be going a step further than that and actively lying by omission in not telling him.

Perhaps one answer is to tell your DH what you've said here and see how he reacts. Then if he isn't worried about the friend, you can reconcile with a clear conscience.

It seems like that is the only way you can possible get to a win-win scenario.

Otherwise you're choosing between putting the friendship behind you, and keeping a big throbbing secret for the rest of your lives.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:21

@PinkSyCo yes I can 100% see this. I am 100% sure I don't have feelings for him, they died when I met my DH. And we were still friends and very close when I met DH.
He's happily with someone now and has been for a couple of years. He has respected my wishes completely in my keeping him at arms length and more on an acquaintance level since it all happened.

OP posts:

DeirdreRashid · 28/11/2022 18:21

You are being naive to think you can be friends with someone you had feelings for for years and who told you he loved you the day before you got married, and it won’t impact your supposed happy marriage

PinkSyCo · 28/11/2022 18:40

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:21

Ok but I still think that, unless you are 100% honest with your DH about everything, then you would be making a mug of him, which I personally would not do to someone that I loved.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:42

i think you’re right and I need to tell DH. I don’t know why I didn’t really… well I do, I didn’t want to talk about it during our wedding or honeymoon

OP posts:

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:44

I mean to everyone who has said can I be sure about feelings etc, obviously I cannot say
for him totally but he seems to have moved on.

I would feel confident in saying he doesn’t have the feelings for me anymore

OP posts:

user1471447924 · 28/11/2022 18:45

Well you’re obviously going to contact him, so…

PinkSyCo · 28/11/2022 18:46

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:42

i think you’re right and I need to tell DH. I don’t know why I didn’t really… well I do, I didn’t want to talk about it during our wedding or honeymoon

Do it. It might be that he’s completely fine with you getting matey with this guy again, but if not I think it’s only fair that you respect his wishes about this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2022 18:50

I would feel confident in saying he doesn’t have the feelings for me anymore

That is you persuading yourself that it's okay to get in touch again.

For what it's worth. I don't think it was manipulative of him to speak to you before the wedding. It was his last chance. You should've told your husband though.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:57

I've still been in contact with him, just very very sporadically and nothing like before.

Yes, I know I should have told DH at the time, I think I told myself the time wasn't right because of wedding/honeymoon - I didn't want anything to spoil it and then just didn't...

I think I will talk to him, as I can see it would be unreasonable not to.

And yes @determinedtomakethiswork you're probably right. I really miss him, and I think, due to some things that have happened recently, it's made me take stock of life and the people I have in it.

OP posts:

Embelline · 28/11/2022 20:50

The more I think about it the more I think it’s probably not a good idea

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 20:59

I guess in my head though I’m just thinking if he had never said anything we would still be very close friends despite my previously having feelings for him and him feeling the way he did. And nothing had ever happened between us.

im going to see what DH says I imagine he will be more upset that I took so long to tell him rather than anything else which I can completely understand as it makes it seem like there’s something to hide

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 28/11/2022 23:10

I would feel confident in saying he doesn’t have the feelings for me anymore

How? You didn't know he had feelings the first time. How can you possibly know now?

You need to let this go. After all that's happened, there's no way your friendship can go back to the way it was

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 08:13

@KrisAkabusi because that time has passed now, he knows there’s no chance and has moved on with someone else

OP posts:

yellowlabel · 29/11/2022 08:24

I think it's really dangerous to form an emotional connection with someone when you know that at one point you both had feelings for each other. I think it would be very difficult to keep it to 'friends only'. If the situation was reversed and your DH wanted to have a friendship with someone he used to fancy, you probably wouldn't be too happy.

Ihavekids · 29/11/2022 08:31

Might also be unfair to your ex friend. You're the love of his life. Even if he married since, doesn't mean those feelings can't be reawakening.
I'd leave it for the sakes of both marriages.
Sorry, I know how much you must miss him. But I think you just have to carry that.

lifeinthehills · 29/11/2022 08:38

The wistful way you talk about him at the end of your post, I'd leave it and have no contact. This doesn't sound like a friendship to entertain. If DH knows the dynamic fully and is okay with it, then maybe. But I think, better left alone. Too much baggage with that one.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 08:39

I probably sound really selfish, I probably am!

I don’t want to drip feed - I know this is 100% going to be a drip feed now but I wasn’t going to include this detail before - but the reason this has all kicked off in my mind is because we lost a mutual friend recently, completely unexpectedly.

it’s made me realise how short life is and the rest kind of didn’t seem as important. I had a feeling of such absolute horror at the idea that something could happen to him
and we would never have reconciled our friendship properly…

until this happened I hadn’t considered it and had thought about it. I’d got used to how things were and I thought I’d made my peace. Then we lost friend, I saw him briefly at the funeral, and it was such an unexpected, awful loss… I guess it’s just got me thinking.

thanks for the posts, some good points of view and things I hadn’t considered because I’m wrapped up in what I want and how I would feel etc.

OP posts:

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