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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to reconcile with best friend?

48 replies

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 17:39

Long story short: had a male best friend since school, I had a real thing for through college/uni but never got brave enough to say for do anything about it, then met my now DH.
Stayed close, both happily with other people, then the night before my wedding he told me he had always been in love with me.
Obviously things went south between us then, and nothing was really the same after that as I couldn't believe how selfish he was being with the timing etc especially when he knew I was well and truly happy with DH.

Anyway I told DH that he had said some things that had upset me and we kind of drifted apart, but didn't go into detail. Since then friend still stays in touch but from a distance - sends a birthday card, sent a card and gift for DS when he was born, sometimes texts but is generally lead by me and I never contact him off my own back.

It's been nearly four years of this now and I really, really miss him. I don't have feelings for him, I just really miss my best friend. I'm going through some things at the moment and I just want to be able to call him up and talk to him like we used to - the only thing stopping me is well, me, really.

AIBU to just do it? I would be betraying DH wouldn't I? I know that friend would jump at the opportunity to be proper friends again...I just never imagined my life without him in it, coming over with his kids in the Christmas holidays etc (when he has them!), all meeting up for picnics in the park etc....I don't know if I'm being naive and stupid to think it could be like that now...

OP posts:

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 08:40

Hadnt* thought about it

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 29/11/2022 08:42

So you’d be fine if your husband turned to the woman who he had been in love with all his life and who declared her love for him the night before your wedding for emotional comfort and support when he is going through ‘things’?

KrisAkabusi · 29/11/2022 10:16

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 08:13

@KrisAkabusi because that time has passed now, he knows there’s no chance and has moved on with someone else

But again, how do you know that if you've never had a conversation about it! Or even if you did, that he's not lying to you or himself? This is someone that was so in love with you that he tried to ruin your wedding day!

And how do you think his new partner would feel about the two of you becoming friends again, if she even knows you history?

This is madness. There is zero possibility of things returning to the way there were before.

PinkSyCo · 29/11/2022 10:21

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 08:39

I probably sound really selfish, I probably am!

I don’t want to drip feed - I know this is 100% going to be a drip feed now but I wasn’t going to include this detail before - but the reason this has all kicked off in my mind is because we lost a mutual friend recently, completely unexpectedly.

it’s made me realise how short life is and the rest kind of didn’t seem as important. I had a feeling of such absolute horror at the idea that something could happen to him
and we would never have reconciled our friendship properly…

until this happened I hadn’t considered it and had thought about it. I’d got used to how things were and I thought I’d made my peace. Then we lost friend, I saw him briefly at the funeral, and it was such an unexpected, awful loss… I guess it’s just got me thinking.

thanks for the posts, some good points of view and things I hadn’t considered because I’m wrapped up in what I want and how I would feel etc.

I guessed that something like that might have happened to make you feel this way OP. I am really sorry for the loss of your mutual friend, and I completely understand why this would make you want things to back to how they were with this friend, but it doesn’t change the fact that it would not be fair on your husband. When are you planning on speaking to him?

Blueberrywitch · 29/11/2022 10:30

No matter how tempting, do not under any circumstances rekindle this “friendship”. It would be betraying your husband and definitely playing with fire. You know this or you wouldn’t be asking. Your first instinct to distance yourself was the right one x

spotsmix · 29/11/2022 10:42

As you say you never contact him off your own back, you don't text him.

What makes you think he wants to be your friend like you were previously?

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 29/11/2022 19:15

@PinkSyCo thank you that’s very kind. It’s really shaken me. I’m going to talk to DH tonight.

@spotsmix he made it very clear when I saw him briefly at the funeral that he would give anything to get back to where we were and for none of it to have ever happened.

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 30/11/2022 09:58

@Itstheimplication Did you talk to your husband?

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 30/11/2022 13:26

Hello yes I did speak to DH.

turns out he had long suspected it was something like this that had made us fall out. He also said he had been expecting my wanting to reconcile after our recent loss.

we had a long chat and although he said had he known at the time due to it being so close to our wedding etc, he would have wanted to give him a smack, he trusts me and if that’s what I want to do, he’s not going to have a problem with it. He’s just asked if he says anything like that again or does anything like that, that I tell him when it happens so we can talk through it like adults.

i haven’t messaged or called friend yet though, I’m not sure why.

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 30/11/2022 13:52

i haven’t messaged or called friend yet though, I’m not sure why.

Hopefully because you are realising that it's a bad idea! You've built up this ideal friendship in your mind, but it can't go back to that, too much has happened. Whatever happens in the future, your relationship with your friend will not be the way it used to be.

whattodo1975 · 30/11/2022 13:59

"My husband had a best friend who the night before our wedding told him that she was in love with him, they havent seen each other for a long time, but as he's going through a rough patch in life he wants to go and meet up with her"

Think we all know what the responses to that thread would be.

Softplayhooray · 30/11/2022 14:17

Itstheimplication · 28/11/2022 18:42

i think you’re right and I need to tell DH. I don’t know why I didn’t really… well I do, I didn’t want to talk about it during our wedding or honeymoon

Don't do this!!

You were secretly in love with him for years, he was secretly in love with you for years, you never told your DH he made a big romantic move on you the night before your wedding and you are currently feeling vulnerable.

Not a great recipe for a decent outcome.

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 30/11/2022 16:27

I’ve already spoken to DH, posted up thread

OP posts:

Original poster

Itstheimplication · 16/12/2022 18:25

I thought I would come back and update as, after speaking to DH, I did reconcile with my friend.

I text hIm and he ended up calling, we met up for coffee and now he and his girlfriend, me and DH are going for Christmas drinks tomorrow night at a little outdoor ski style bar in town which used to be a Christmas tradition of ours when we were younger.

I know people warned me off but I went with my gut, and DH’s blessing, and while he’s a bigger person than I am I’m very grateful he doesn’t feel threatened by this as I’m really happy to have my friend back in my life after losing our other, mutual friend.

OP posts:

Alisonscutehairflick · 16/12/2022 21:51

And

Alisonscutehairflick · 16/12/2022 21:52

Posted too soon!

And they all lived happily ever after… I hope this is the case for you OP I really do, but I suspect long term unfortunately this won’t work out. Those kind of feelings don’t just go, and being in close proximity is likely to bring them back on his part whether he’s got a girlfriend or not.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 22:32

AIBU to just do it? I would be betraying DH wouldn't I?

You'd be betraying yourself.

It;s really sad, & hard to acknowledge - but your friend enjoys playing mindfucking games.
If he was genuinely in love with you, he would have told you long before your wedding day FFS.
What did he think would happen? That you'd throw the towel in & run off with him? That sounds like the kind of meodrama a narc would manufacture.
OR - he'd calculated that it was too late, & you would not countenance it - but it threw a lovely spanner into your celebration of commitment to your H, & made your 'friend' central to the proceedings in your mind, didn't it?

It was the meaningless gesture of an arsehole who puts his ego over your peace of mind. Where is your anger? He's not the friend you thought he was.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 22:38

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2022 18:50

I would feel confident in saying he doesn’t have the feelings for me anymore

That is you persuading yourself that it's okay to get in touch again.

For what it's worth. I don't think it was manipulative of him to speak to you before the wedding. It was his last chance. You should've told your husband though.

OK @determinedtomakethiswork

Are you married?
If a woman who was "best friends" & nearly-lovers-but-missed-the-boat with your H, chose the night before your wedding to tell him she's always loved him .. you'd be cool with that, right?

Because it's not like she was trying to fuck up your life or anything.
It would have been her last chance.
You potentially left crying & humilated at the altar is just ... collateral damage.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 22:42

it’s made me realise how short life is and the rest kind of didn’t seem as important.

It's just as short for your H as it is for you.
Don't do it to him OP.

& I'm one of the more liberal posters when it comes to intersex friendships.
But this is too ... a PP nailed it .. wistful, to be safe.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 22:45

Itstheimplication · 30/11/2022 13:26

Hello yes I did speak to DH.

turns out he had long suspected it was something like this that had made us fall out. He also said he had been expecting my wanting to reconcile after our recent loss.

i haven’t messaged or called friend yet though, I’m not sure why.

Your DH is insightful, & an absolute keeper.

Well done OP.
Give him a big backslap from me. & no - I'm not after being his Special Friend 😂

KettrickenSmiled · 16/12/2022 22:47

oh FFS that'll teach me to reply piecemeal.
Didn;t notice the post dates OP.

What will be will be. Take care.

PiperChapmanVause · 16/12/2022 22:52

This is my opinion

perhaps your friend felt the same as you all that time ago, and while I understand some people might think “why then”, he thought right this is my last chance and went for it.

it’s possible he is very embarrassed.

I would tell your DH the truth, invite him round and tell him you miss the friendship but that is all it is. Like I said he might be very embarrassed and not know how to approach it.

But tel your DH the truth because if he was to ever try anything and it caused trouble, your DH then knows your telling the truth

Alisonscutehairflick · 27/12/2022 11:11

How’s it going OP? Have things settled back into what they were?

im interested as I’m of the view like a lot of posters that if there were feelings, they could become lesser with distance like you had but they will never fully go away.

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