Dads behaviour and relationship since my mum died

[Kevinthebird007]

As a background, my dad has always told me he was bisexual. He has had both male and female relationships during his life, but since 1985 had been with my mum. Sadly she passed away from cancer last year after a short battle with the disease. They were happy, but dad had periods of time in prison for fraud, obtaining funds by deception etc. The last time he was in prison was in 2015 for 6 months. He missed his own 70th, my DS1s 1st and my 30th. I was also aware that my dad was messaging men explicit messages while with my mum because on occasion he would accidentally send them to me.
My mum passed away in October 2021 and in january of this year dad declared he had met someone; a 28 year old young man that he'd bumped into in a hotel and they'd got chatting. Things seemed to escalate quickly, with the chap visiting my dad's home and staying for periods of time. Whereas my dad had said my children and I couldn't sit in my mums chair, this chap could which upset me. They went out for lots of dinners etc but he assured me that they were splitting bills and that actually his new partner was from a wealthy background studying a PhD so had no need to gold dig. A couple of months in, dad told me that his partner had asked him to move up to Manchester to be with him. I suggested this wasn't a good idea, he'd be far away from all friends and family. He told me that he wouldn't, then said he was using some money from my mums estate to buy the house he was in so that we could inherit it when the time came. A month later my dad called me begging for money saying that he needed it for a house exchange in Manchester. I refused. I had no money to offer and I didn't approve of him moving up there. He told me that the relationship had then ended because of that. A few weeks later dad called saying he was getting death threats etc from a man he owed money to. I had calls from neighbours and strangers (I live 3 hrs from dad) saying he owed them money, that he'd taken deposits from people for them to move into the house only for him to then disappear etc. I then found out he hadn't bought the house he was in at all. He's spent all of my mums estate (nearly £600k) and the remainder in shares he can't release. He's spent savings my mum had built up for my children, he's also spent a house deposit mum had left to me. He stole money from my uncle (my mums brother) including off of bank cards, credit cards etc while he was in hospital and my uncle has since died. My cousins now hate my dad and have cut him off. I have now found that the partner was an escort. Dad tells me he never met him as an escort but during the time they were together this guy would msg him asking for money and dad would give it, selling and stealing whatever he could. It also transpires the guy was 20,not 28. My dad is 77.

I am the only person my dad has left. I feel guilty because I don't want him with us at Christmas as I hate him for what he's done. He's my dad and I love him but he's driven a truck through my mums memory and made a mess of our lives. Do I invite him for Christmas? Or do i stick to my guns. AIBU?

@Disabrie22 I thought this. But then if he has a personality disorder do I not need to give him sympathy because it's not his fault? I've tried to get him to see a psych for an assessment and diagnosis but nobody seems interested. They just want to manage him as an outpatient, elderly man who is depressed.

Sounds like that money has gone already and he is using the “ I don’t know anything” card to stall you. If he had access to 600k over a year, he would have got legal already…

Bent cop I wonder what your dad has on him. I would take him to court tbh out of respect for your mum.

Unacceptable behaviour is still unacceptable behaviour even if there are mental health reasons for it. I assume he isn't hugely motivated to change his behaviour? If not, they psychiatry or psychology input would not help, even if they picked him up for input

You might be tempted to hire a solicitor to go to court and get to the bottom of all the finances and the lies, lies upon lies upon lies.
But I think it would do you more harm than good. It would drag you back into being involved with his mess.

Cut your losses, forget the money, and walk away. Go no contact, or very low contact. You need to understand that your mum was wrong about never cutting people off - sometimes it is the best thing to do for yourself and your children.

It is your duty as a mother to spend your money on your children, not give it to your dad.

@Wibbly1008 I get the "things are progressing slowly, your money is safe, " card. He had to be appointed as executor after her death but seems to have not distrusted her estate anywhere. £600k was in two bank accounts. Those are drained. There are two pensions - both inherited by my mum from my brother
My dad keeps saying they're close to being released but another solicitor told me it's unlikely they'd pay those as pension pots don't pass down the line indefinitely so I don't know what's true. Then there's £66k in shares in America. Dad knows he needs a transfer cert to liquidate those which takes 9-12 months but refuses to do that as he thinks he can perform his way on the phone and email to get them to release the stocks (he was a small time actor back in the day and thinks a performance can save anything)

He's a big boy, he made his bed and now has to lie in it. Haven't spoken to my dad in 15 years and don't feel guilty. His choices were the wrong ones but they were his own, not mine 💐

You could phone a few local solicitors to see if they hold your mum's will on file.

Even without a will children would be entitled to some part of such a large estate.
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

You could ask if a solicitor would look into it no win no fee for a % of your payout - if there are still assets like the house?

If all assets are frozen this might be the best chance of people your dad has defrauded getting anything back.

Your dad is not the victim. You, any siblings (your mum and deceased sibling who left assets expecting them to be respected), friends and neighbours that have been defrauded are the victims.

Your Dad is a complete tosser. Stay in contact with him at your peril ( and that of your children ).
Your poor deluded mother. Thinking she had your back despite all both of you had gone through.

I was 50/50 until I read your further posts - definitely do not get in touch and do not reach out. If he wants to get in touch with you, then decide then. I would not invite him for Christmas as you have other people in your family and you and they deserve a nice Christmas. Invite him for a day after if you decide to be in touch with him. I have to say though he sounds like a manipulative narcissist and you may want to look those things up before you decide what to do next. I applaud you for being such an obviously nice person, but IMO this kind of person never changes their basic beliefs and expectations. And will continue to hurt you if you let them.

Oh God, read it again and it was worse than I thought.

I've often wondered whether what I've experienced is abuse.

Yes it was.

They would always promise to pay me back but never did.

Financial Abuse.

I have brought all of this up with him and he tells me I'm being dramatic or I'm making things up or that I'm not so perfect myself as I've done x,y or z.

Gaslighting and DARVO

if he has a personality disorder do I not need to give him sympathy because it's not his fault? I've tried to get him to see a psych for an assessment and diagnosis but nobody seems interested.

He cant help how he feels or what his initial thoughts BUT we are always in control of what we do. He does bad things because on some level he feels entitled to. This is not mental health - its a lack of morals.

As for you trying to get him to see someone, if he does not want to change nothing will be enough. Do not try to save him - he has to do that for himself, and if you keep trying it will damage you. You are not a helpless little girl any more - please please look after yourself and put some boundaries in place. Your mother and her dont cut off family message may have meant well, and that may be why she went along with him - but if you are around people like this, you have to protect yourself and cutting him off may be the only way you can protect yourself and your family. If you struggle with boundaries, could you try to access some counselling for yourself? It could really help.

He's going to continue to string you along with promises of money. You must know deep down that the money is never going to materialise.

If you don't have the strength to protect yourself from him, find the strength to protect your children by going no contact. If you start saying no he might go no contact with you. Watch how quickly he disappears when the cash point, aka you, is closed.

I'm sorry, this is really difficult but you can't fix him.

@RositaCaquita yes deep down I know nothing will materialise. This happened about 18 yrs ago when my granny died. I was a beneficiary in her will and despite many promises that the money was "on its way" eventually it never appeared. Things are always "being sorted" and "is not that simple I'm afraid" but surely it can't always be this complicated.

he hasn't got anything left apart from benefits and then I don't know what I'll do

OP, he’s burned through £600k in a year. Unless you can afford to lose that much and more every single year for as long as he is physically capable of spending it, you need to protect yourself and your children.

It sounds like he’ll be back in prison soon enough if he keeps on defrauding people with the house rental deposit scam anyway.

He is literally just a thief. You know this. Cut him off.

@Atethehalloweenchocs everytime. I think I have the balls to cut contact, I think of him sat alone at home with nobody. No presents, no decorations. No love. He told me the other day that Christmas was going to be shit and I agreed. I told him it would be for me as well and that I'd done nothing to deserve that - it was all his fault. He didn't reply with anything other than "enough! Time for a coffee"

If you gave him £100 in cash, no strings attached, do you think he would come over to your house for Christmas, or be trying to meet a teenage boy for sex? Honestly?

He wants to come over to your house in order to steal from you. That is literally the only reason. You said yourself you don’t see him for dust when he has money to spend.

There are some similarities with my own Father - stole from people, used my address for fraud and much much more . Very charming and fun to be with and also very good at tugging on the heartstrings when caught out. what finally gave me the push I needed to cut him off was becoming pg, I decided that while it as my choice to endure his crap it wasnt fair for an child of mine to. He would see them as something to charm, manipulate and then use like everyone else, even if he would be a fantastic “fun” grandad (until they saw through it, at which point he would probably turn on them)
Even if you still feel sorry for him don’t subject your kids to him

@Changechangychange I suspect he'd use it for other means. He's asked for money recently and we've lent it (he did pay us back) but we were clear it was the one and only time. No more. I think it's weird that he can't meet someone of his own age. It feels like a fetish. When i said I was uncomfortable with the age gap he accused me of being homophobic and racist (the partner was of indian and kenyan heritage). I am neither of those things.

I would not invite him, at least not this year when things are so raw. To be honest, I'm not sure I would ever risk what should be a pleasant family time being spoilt by the latest lie coming to light.

He is your father, but he has made choices your whole life that have not put you first, and that is not what a father 'should' be doing. Treat him as you would anyone else, a flawed human being. It's too late to change who he is and how he prioritizes you (or not), but you can remove yourself from the unnecessary drama and further disappointment by letting go of whatever expectations you have of the flawed human being once known as "Dad".

@Winter2020 has some good advice if you want to find out whether anything can be retrieved from your Mum’s estate. Tbh, your Dad does sound as if he has some sort of disorder, his behavior is bizarre.

To be honest I probably would have kept him at arms length just from the jail time. This current debacle would certainly end the father-daughter relationship if it was me. This sounds really hard and you have to make the right choice for you and your children. Good luck.

Oh jeez OP, I’d keep my distance this is bad. Has he spent £600k in a year? That’s a hug sum of money. In your shoes I’d cut ties. The police guy is dodgy for sure

Don’t invite him. He is an emotional vampire. Do you want your kids to have the same feelings of guilt that you do?? They need to be your priority here. Teach them that you should surround yourself with kind supportive people and that once your dad has learnt to be that kind of person that he will be welcomed back but not until then.

I would also limit contact with your dad. Don’t open his messages right away. Only respond to messages that show genuine interest in you. Ignore any that are just guilt trips.

Remind yourself that he is an adult who has made his choices. You need to make choices too - the ones that give your family peace and security.

Oh love, you poor thing. Yes, he may be sat by himself, no love or anything. That is what happens when you behave abysmally. Imagine he was a dog that bit you. There may be reasons why it bit you. It may have been scared, or traumatized in the past. But it would not be ok for it to bite you. And it would only be common sense for you to not be around it again. You have had a lifetime of him grooming you to feel bad for him and to excuse his behaviour. That will be hard to overcome. Better to feel guilty while reminding yourself you have nothing to feel guilty for, than be mentally destroyed by this narcissistic, amoral man. Take care