Aibu to not tell my dad I have had a baby.

[Sugargliderwombat]

My dad cut contact with me 6 years ago because I wouldn't take his side when my mum left him. He has MH problems and was also very controlling / emotionally abusive. During this time I've ended up grieving the dad I thought I had and moving on (for the most part). He text last christmas just saying "it's been too long" and some other generic things but I didn't reply.

I am still stuck between knowing my dad is an emotionally abusive man but also knowing he has MH problems and had an awful, awful childhood himself. When i think of him I feel resentment, pity, loss and sadness.

I had a baby a few months ago and my mum recently said I might want to tell him as some mutual friends now know. My issue is this :

I don't want to meet up with him.

BUT

I don't want to make him feel worse through him finding out from other people.

If I could make his life a little brighter I would but i also don't want contact (I know my head is a mess about it!!)

So should I send a little card with a photo or just wait for him to hear about it through the grapevine ?

I don't feel ready to meet him, and don't think I ever will, but I hate the idea that he is now completely alone and hearing this through other people would be really painful. I am so so torn!

I have been through a similar thing OP. It's really hard. I told my dad I was pregnant and I think he got in contact once to see how I was? I'm certain it was because someone asked him about me which must of prompt his brain to remember me. I also told him when my DD arrived and he came around a few days after and gave a gift that I 100% know he found at the back of his garage (an empty ostrich egg?!) I have no idea why that's good for a baby but ya know! He also saw her when she was 6 months old and I just thought I can't keep going through him. He referred himself to grandad when talking to her and it made my skin crawl because he wasn't her grandad!! She didn't and doesn't know him. I ended up blocking all his side of the family on all social media so that no one would mention me to him and I just cut all contact with him. Told him how I felt and I've not heard from him in nearly 2 years. I still thinking about him everyday but just anger. How can someone treat their child like this especially now I have my own?! I wouldn't get in contact OR, from personal experience it just prolongs the pain for you and makes it confusing for your baby xx

I wouldn't tell him. Don't open the door to it all.

You sound so nice, but I wouldn't personally.
He cut contact with you, so morally he has no right to be in your life any more.

I honestly wouldn't say anything.
If there are mutual friends that know, they can mention something in passing. You have severed contact with him. While he might be your biological father, he's not the type of person you would actively seek out as a role model for your child to be around so don't be around him. Don't invite him back into your lives and I think any sort of communication will give him that slightest glimmer of hope that you want to resume a relationship of whatever form it might take with him. You don't want that though. You can still feel sorry for them but you don't want them in your life.

You don't owe him anything

I agree with this, he may think that you are opening the door, and you will then have to nail it firmly shut by clarifying that you have no desire to meet. I don't think that this will cause less pain than finding out from a third party.

I think the photo of baby and card is perfect. If you don't want him to know where abouts you live don't post locally. Go to large town/city to post.

In a similar situation but my dad is the one who doesn't reply to me. I always think to myself, if I feel like doing something and reaching out then why not. I don't want to regret anything.
If you don't reach out, you may regret it later down the line. Perhaps if he responds you just have to lay your boundaries down straight away.

Firstly, congratulations on your little one!
Secondly, no you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

We’re TTC but will be in the same situation. DH is NC with his family for good reason - we don’t want to tell them and let our child get sucked into their antics.

Maybe the best option is sending him a message saying that you now have a baby and that you wanted him to hear it from you. Explain that this does not change your situation from your perspective but felt it was the correct thing to tell him yourself.