Aibu to not tell my dad I have had a baby.

[Sugargliderwombat]

My dad cut contact with me 6 years ago because I wouldn't take his side when my mum left him. He has MH problems and was also very controlling / emotionally abusive. During this time I've ended up grieving the dad I thought I had and moving on (for the most part). He text last christmas just saying "it's been too long" and some other generic things but I didn't reply.

I am still stuck between knowing my dad is an emotionally abusive man but also knowing he has MH problems and had an awful, awful childhood himself. When i think of him I feel resentment, pity, loss and sadness.

I had a baby a few months ago and my mum recently said I might want to tell him as some mutual friends now know. My issue is this :

I don't want to meet up with him.

BUT

I don't want to make him feel worse through him finding out from other people.

If I could make his life a little brighter I would but i also don't want contact (I know my head is a mess about it!!)

So should I send a little card with a photo or just wait for him to hear about it through the grapevine ?

I don't feel ready to meet him, and don't think I ever will, but I hate the idea that he is now completely alone and hearing this through other people would be really painful. I am so so torn!

As you are torn I would let him know. There is some part of you that cares about him finding out through other people.

I think a card and photo sounds a good idea. However if you don’t wish to see him I would be careful in case he saw it as an invitation to turn up, so only send if he doesn’t know your address.

Don’t let him know. I told my mum and she ruined both my and my daughters life.
you escaped, don’t let yourself be drawn in again.

First of all congratulations on your new baby.

I agree with above poster, you seem torn between not wanting contact but not wanting him hurt by finding out about your baby from someone else. This situations are very complex and rarely black or white. Perhaps send a card or a letter, I think a photograph is too much for first contact maybe later if you want to. Remember you set the pace OP the above poster also asked a good point about not giving your address unless you are ready. Good luck

I agree with @DarkDarkNight - you're torn, so maybe a low-risk gesture is the right thing to do; a card and a photo sounds like a good idea. I would also advise caution though - don't give any more information than the bare minimum and carefully protect your privacy (maybe do a bit of a social media cleanse to make sure any accounts you use are locked down and don't show any personal data etc.)

Would you feel worse having to turn him down if he saw the card and picture as an 'olive branch', or would you feel worse if he had heard it from someone else? I think it's always better to come from the horse's mouth personally and then you know yourself that he definitely knows, rather than wondering if he has/hasn't found out yet and receiving any unexpected messages etc

I think it will give him false hope so probably wouldn’t

I think he would likely view it as an olive branch and it would possibly make him hopeful for contact with you both, and as you don't want contact I personally wouldn't

He is no longer part of your life, why would you tell him your news?

If you do want to let him know is there a person you both mutually know that could tell him? Aunt, grandparent, cousin etc? They could say you wanted him to know but you don't feel ready to reestablish contact yet.

I also reckon it could give him false hope, so personally, I wouldn't unless it expressly came up in conversation.

Also - perhaps he already knows about the baby.

I have been in your situation (or very similar) and feel that whilst you can feel sorry for the poor child who received an abusive upbringing, you have responsibility to the child currently in your care which includes protecting your own mental health. You can’t make your dad’s situation any better and I agree that sending things will most likely set up an expectation that you are willing to (and shouldn’t!) fulfil about contact. In some ways it is kinder to stay no contact. You just need to do whatever works best for YOU and your baby and your dad’s feelings and the opinions of everyone else don’t matter here.

You are not being unreasonable to feel that way; but you would be unreasonable to give him false hope, or risk bringing him into your life without him completing some serious therapy.
Try to find a different way to analyse and deal with the feelings this brings up. If you feel guilty or obliged to him, think about having some counselling.

Ime a crap df makes for a crap dgf.. I gave my df chance with my dc and he let them down too. Been nc for over 22 years. He has no idea I have had more dc since then. Stay nc if that's best for YOU op.

If in doubt do nowt.
If the primary reason you're considering letting him know is so that he doesn't hear it from other people then I think you need to give yourself more time to really think it through.

I understand you think he would be hurt hearing from someone else, but he also hurt you when he cut contact and behaved the way he did when you were growing up. You were the child and did not ask to be bought into that situation. He has made no attempts to acknowledge or make amends.

There is no way here of not causing hurt, the alternative is you go 'btw, you have a grandchild but you can't meet him'. If you want you can always just send him a christmas card and say from OP, DH and baby's name. You don't need to make an announcement over it. But I'd recommend doing what causes you the least stress.

My twins are 4 now and I still haven't told my dad about them. We're Facebook friends so he must have seen the pics and family/friends will have told him I suppose. I couldn't care less Tbh, if he's not in your life why would you tell him 🤷

Let him know but make it clear that it is out of curtesy and you do not want a reunion.

Don't bring this man into your innocent child's life. Does he know your address?

No point getting his hopes up with contact and a photo ,if you have no intention of it going anywhere,that’s cruel .
better let sleeping dogs lie

You could tell him but be very clear he’s to have no involvement in the baby.

HE cut contact with you. So your news is no longer his news. It doesn’t matter how he feels if/when he hears any news, because you won’t know.

Don’t get drawn back into his abuse. The fact he had a shitty childhood is sad, but it doesn’t mean you have to endure his emotional abuse.

In my DP’s experience, a shit dad becomes a shout granddad.

Personally I wouldnt

Thank you for all your responses they have been really helpful, it's good to hear other people's perspectives.

My dad is an abusive alcoholic. I cut ties with him when I was 20.
I have 4 kids, I've not told him about any of them. He is and always will be an unstable, dangerous man. His brothers and sisters have met my kids but he never will, I'm 39 and my eldest is about to turn 13, it's genuinely had no impact on me or my kids.

Could you write him a letter and include what you've said on here- you want him to know but you're not ready to see him and have a relationship? Explain why you're not ready to see him in the letter if you feel up to it.