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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH (yet) that our DS has his first girlfriend?

46 replies

HelloTreacle9 · 27/11/2022 22:23

My DS is 14 and told me this morning, very casually, that he has a girlfriend and they've been together for a few months. He's a really lovely boy: smart, good-looking, very grown-up and sensible but fun, emotionally intelligent, kind, interesting and funny. We talk a lot about stuff, he seeks me out to talk to about loads of things, he's great company, but I had no idea he was properly with someone. He roams off with various combinations of friends at the weekends for a few hours but I didn't know a specific girl was involved. In fact, I'd assumed he was gay because of various conversations a couple of years ago, which would obviously not be an issue either. I have wondered if he was in love with someone for a while, though, mum spidey sense or something. His girlfriend is a friend of one of his oldest female friends (who I know really well as they grew up together, and who only has good people around her) and she is almost a year older than him. He says she's just like him. She's sounds lovely and I'm over the moon for him but obviously playing it quite cool, no pressure or interrogation, just said that's ace, I'm so glad he's happy, and she's very welcome to hang out here etc. Her parents know about him (which is definitely the right way round).

My AIBU is that DS doesn't want his dad to know yet and has asked me not to tell him. Am I being unreasonable in respecting this?

DH is a complicated person, he can be extraordinarily kind, thoughtful and generous but can also be a bit Victorian Dad (orders, demands, tellings-off, frustration, demanding respect) and also defaults to teasing and piss-taking around me and our teenagers. He wants to be closer to them (we also have an older DD, who hasn't got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet) and for them to talk to him, but they hold back because he can be a bit insensitive and immature, tbh. I completely understand why DS doesn't want to deal with his dad's reaction (which I actually think in this instance would be good and sensitive rather than annoying and crass, but you never know with him).

Should I tell DH at some point soon? With or without DS's permission? Or keep quiet for the time being? Or suggest DS finds a way to tell his dad himself? I know this sounds like a small thing but I want to get this right for DS and don't want his relationship with his dad to be worse as a result.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 28/11/2022 00:05

Of course you shouldn't tell him.
Well, unless you don't want your dc to tell you anything in the future.

Want2beme · 28/11/2022 01:15

That's a shame. I wouldn't tell DH. DS is obviously dreading DH reaction. DH will eventually find out and then DS can explain why he wasn't told about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2022 01:21

If you break your son's confidence, he will never trust you again. He doesn't want his father to know, so bloody well respect that. Don't be foolish.

BabyOnBoard90 · 28/11/2022 01:22

That's not the sort of information you should be withholding from your husband.

Can you see yourself being pleased if the roles were reversed?

carefulcalculator · 28/11/2022 01:24

defaults to teasing and piss-taking around me and our teenagers given this, definitely don't tell him.

Leaving aside this specific issue/event, have you talked to your DH about how his behaviour will be pushing the kids away?

TheTeenageYears · 28/11/2022 01:32

I don't think you should tell DH but do be prepared for a reaction once he finds out your knew. If you've called him out previously on the piss taking he needs to understand that actions have consequences and it affects his relationship with his DC which he has to own. DS will have neither parent to turn to if you break his trust.

KatieMorag5 · 28/11/2022 01:35

Absolutely do not tell your DH. This sounds very similar to my own situation growing up and I’ve have been heartbroken if my mum had told my dad something like this after I’d asked her not to. Particularly because I know my dad would have teased me, as it sounds your husband will. Your son will tell him in his own time. He’s at the age where he is able to make his own decisions and you should respect that. If it was a dangerous secret to keep then I understand the need to tell your husband but this is not one of them.

If you break his trust now, he will not confide in you again.

LBFseBrom · 28/11/2022 06:11

Don't tell his dad, he will find out soon enough. As your son has particularly asked you not to, it would be wrong to break his confidence.

RedHelenB · 28/11/2022 06:20

BabyOnBoard90 · 28/11/2022 01:22

That's not the sort of information you should be withholding from your husband.

Can you see yourself being pleased if the roles were reversed?

This. If gesture old enough to have a gf, he's old enough to tell his Dad and being teased is very much part of being a teenager,

whiteroseredrose · 28/11/2022 06:21

BabyOnBoard90 · 28/11/2022 01:22

That's not the sort of information you should be withholding from your husband.

Can you see yourself being pleased if the roles were reversed?

I couldn't disagree more.

It's DS's business who he tells about his relationships. He will tell his DF when he is ready.

whiteroseredrose · 28/11/2022 06:22

Bloody hell. Being teased is NOT part of being a teenager. No wonder so many have anxiety and stress if home isn't a relaxing place!

PriOn1 · 28/11/2022 06:27

It’s not information that needs to be shared, in my opinion. If your son was getting married or having a child, then maybe, but there is nothing your husband needs to do differently around your son and no decisions you have to make as parents that make it imperative that he knows.

Your son is reaching an age when he knows his own mind well enough to choose. I think you should respect his decision.

oldestmumaintheworld · 28/11/2022 06:31

Do not tell your husband. Your son has trusted you and you need to value and respect this. You do need to speak to your husband about his attitude and 'teasing' This is bullying and nasty and he needs to stop. Teasing is not funny, it's cruel. It isn't banter it's mean. If he wants a relationship with his son in the future he needs to stop doing this now. And whilst I hate making one person responsible for the behaviour of another you need to address this.

ThePoshUns · 28/11/2022 06:36

I'd respect your DS's feelings but more importantly you need to look at why he is so nervous of your DH finding out. There is something wrong in their relationship if he feels he can't be honest with him.

FOJN · 28/11/2022 06:36

Your son is 14, he has his first girlfriend, he's not engaged. I would keep your son's confidence because this is exciting for him and it's great that he has told you but it's not a big deal.

I think if your husband wants to be closer to his children then he need to work harder to achieve that and I wonder why you feel it's your job to mediate here to prevent your husband damaging his relationship with your son. Your husband is an adult who needs to learn to manage his own relationships with his children.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 28/11/2022 06:41

May be unpopular opinion but I'd quietly tell your husband but be brutally honest about why your DS doesn't want to tell him. Might give him some insight into how his behaviour can affect his relationship with his children and give him the opportunity to think about how he will react when your DS chooses to tell him.

flipperdoda · 28/11/2022 06:51

Don't tell him. I had my first boyfriend at 14 and telling mum was a crap experience because she insisted that I had to phone my dad (he was away) and tell him - it wasn't that I didn't want to tell him because I was immature, I didn't want to tell either of them because they immediately went into disapproval mode and treated me like a small child about it!

PP is also right - I don't tell either of my parents anything that I don't want the other one to know now. I can see in general it's a good rule to stand as a united front...but parents are flawed humans too, and for example I didn't tell them when I was on antidepressants and really struggling - because I didn't want one of them to know (could have done with support from the other though!). Haven't told them about relationship issues, friend issues, pregnancy scares, currently not telling them about medical investigations...all of these I'd have discussed with one parent (not always the same one) if that were an option.

I'm late 20s and still remember the negative response to telling them about my first boyfriend (which in this case, sounds like you had a lovely response but your DH's is something that potentially could be remembered for years).

SmileyClare · 28/11/2022 06:52

No need to tell dh but also no need to over think this.

They're just children, don't get too carried away with the idea of ds being in a relationship/ in love and feeling over the moon for him. At that age it's just experimenting and working out how adults have relationships, working out who they are, where their sexuality lies, trying things for size, usually still within the safety of their group of friends.

It'll become obvious if ds starts bringing her home to hang out as you've suggested and can come up then.

Original poster
HelloTreacle9 · 28/11/2022 08:57

Thanks all for your responses, I appreciate them very much. I have brought the teasing issue up with DH many times, he just doesn’t get that it has consequences in terms of his relationship with the DCs. It’s very tiring but I will try again! I will of course keep DS’s confidence, if he and his girlfriend stay together for a while I imagine it will emerge anyway.

OP posts:
LaPerduta · 28/11/2022 10:04

How does your DH react if he is teased by you or your DC? Can he take it as well as dishing it out?

Hillrunning · 28/11/2022 10:10

Your husband doesn't get to know everything you know simply because you are married. Couples get that privilege if they have earned it by being trustworthy enough. He clearly isn't if he is going to make his son feel uncomfortable.

He sounds insufferable to me.

pointythings · 28/11/2022 10:10

Don't tell him. Your husband needs to learn that there are consequences to behaving like a twat towards his children, especially since you've tried talking to him about it and he hasn't taken it on board.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/11/2022 10:14

Your OP makes you sound a bit OTT about it all to be honest!

But no you can't tell DH if DS has asked you not too. He's taken a couple of months to even brave telling you and if you break his trust now then he's not likely to forgive very easily

3cats2kids1dog · 28/11/2022 10:18

I don't think you are going to help things by prolonging this... the longer it goes on, the worse the sense of betrayal will be from DH, regardless of how you feel about his behaviour. You shouldn't be allowing yourself to get into keeping secrets, particularly as you also know that DH wants to improve the relationship.
Given DS has asked, i would respect the boundary, but i also think you should be clear with him that it's not really okay to create this secretive situation in your marriage... and that things like this should be discussed openly... with honesty about how certain comments can be upsetting, offensive, inappropriate or whatever...
you're really encouraging further division at this point, under the guise of being understanding and keeping your relationship with DS as you like it...

MyTing · 28/11/2022 10:19

Crikey the Victorian parenting and teasing sent shudders down my spine.

That's how my abusive exH operates to my daughters and did to me before. Only it was never funny / is never funny and picked up on it, he be angry and offensive. Hopefully your DH isn't like that OP? Does he "tease" you?

Definitely keep the confidence of your son.

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