To not tell DH (yet) that our DS has his first girlfriend?

[HelloTreacle9]

My DS is 14 and told me this morning, very casually, that he has a girlfriend and they've been together for a few months. He's a really lovely boy: smart, good-looking, very grown-up and sensible but fun, emotionally intelligent, kind, interesting and funny. We talk a lot about stuff, he seeks me out to talk to about loads of things, he's great company, but I had no idea he was properly with someone. He roams off with various combinations of friends at the weekends for a few hours but I didn't know a specific girl was involved. In fact, I'd assumed he was gay because of various conversations a couple of years ago, which would obviously not be an issue either. I have wondered if he was in love with someone for a while, though, mum spidey sense or something. His girlfriend is a friend of one of his oldest female friends (who I know really well as they grew up together, and who only has good people around her) and she is almost a year older than him. He says she's just like him. She's sounds lovely and I'm over the moon for him but obviously playing it quite cool, no pressure or interrogation, just said that's ace, I'm so glad he's happy, and she's very welcome to hang out here etc. Her parents know about him (which is definitely the right way round).

My AIBU is that DS doesn't want his dad to know yet and has asked me not to tell him. Am I being unreasonable in respecting this?

DH is a complicated person, he can be extraordinarily kind, thoughtful and generous but can also be a bit Victorian Dad (orders, demands, tellings-off, frustration, demanding respect) and also defaults to teasing and piss-taking around me and our teenagers. He wants to be closer to them (we also have an older DD, who hasn't got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet) and for them to talk to him, but they hold back because he can be a bit insensitive and immature, tbh. I completely understand why DS doesn't want to deal with his dad's reaction (which I actually think in this instance would be good and sensitive rather than annoying and crass, but you never know with him).

Should I tell DH at some point soon? With or without DS's permission? Or keep quiet for the time being? Or suggest DS finds a way to tell his dad himself? I know this sounds like a small thing but I want to get this right for DS and don't want his relationship with his dad to be worse as a result.

Definitely don't tell your DH. It's your son's private life, it's up to him to tell his Dad as and when he wants to.

Piss-taking and 'banter' ruined my DH's relationship with his dad, it's toxic, I detest it. It removes trust, destroys confidence and very easily tips over into cruelty and disdain.

My sister (10 years older) acted all trustworthy and managed to get me to tell her about a boy I fancied when I was younger. She didn’t even wait until the next day to betray my trust, she immediately went and told mum. She was always an annoying grass.

Since then I’ve never trusted her with anything and it’s her own fault for being a tell tale.

Given your DH is such a dick, I definitely wouldn't tell him.

It sounds like your DH’s heart is in the right place but he’s clueless about parenting. What I think you should go is encourage him to do a parenting course, or do one together.

Honestly it baffles me that they aren’t mandatory because parenting practices have changed so much, and many people don’t know very much about developmental stages.

I would break a confidence if it was something that a parent needs to know. In this case because your son seems sensible and the relationship sounds healthy there is nothing your husband needs to know, and it's none of his business. I would have the safe sex and enthusiastic consent talks with him if you havent already though

I had no idea he was properly with someone

He is 14. He isn't.

God it does make me laugh how seriously people take a couple of early teens being "boyfriend/girlfriend". At that age its usually little more than holding hands, kissing, showing off /big talking to friends and simple friendship

If gesture old enough to have a gf, he's old enough to tell his Dad and being teased is very much part of being a teenager

This.... if a teenager can't cope with piss taking from their dad they need to get a bit more resilient or the adult world is going to eat them alive

can also be a bit Victorian Dad (orders, demands, tellings-off, frustration, demanding respect) and also defaults to teasing and piss-taking around me and our teenagers

Is he really such a "D" H?

Don't tell him and if ever he finds out and moans tell him why you didn't tell him.

Let him push his kids away but don't let it ruin your relationship with them too.

They're just children, don't get too carried away with the idea of ds being in a relationship/ in love and feeling over the moon for him. At that age it's just experimenting and working out how adults have relationships, working out who they are, where their sexuality lies, trying things for size, usually still within the safety of their group of friends.

This is really sensible advice. Its easy to make a big deal of everything with teens and they lose all sense of proportion. A fledgling "relationship" between a couple of kids is not something to make a big fuss over.

I think the way we parent a lot of teens doesnt give them the feedback they need to re-align how much things matter.... teens think EVERYTHING is huge, life changing, amazing, a disaster. How we react helps them calibrate a sense of proportion and become a bit more resilient eg by not making a massive deal of this sort of thing its much easier to frame an inevitable break up sensibly too, as its not like universe ending.

Teens need to develop this proportionality otherwise they think the world revolves around their (typical tiny) problems and allow tiny set backs to dominate

I wouldn't say anything. If you do, it will probably be the last time he confides in you.
If my son told his dad something but not me then I would be shocked but I'd be looking at my behaviour and wondering why he didn't confide in me at the same time as his father.
I know that boys and men sometimes have a teasing/banter sort of dynamic but your son has made it clear that he's not amused by that kind of thing and your h needs to take the hint and realise that he's not going to be close to his son if he doesn't take cues about his preferences. I suspect that my ex can be like this hence my son confiding in me more too.
You are being OTT about the significance of this info. He's not "properly together" even if they end up having sex at a later date. He's 14! Keep things low key - ask if he's going to get her a Xmas pressie sort of talk.

Clearly you cannot tell him. It's just a shame that you (and your son) feel you cannot trust him to respond appropriately.

Its not such a big deal anyway - not as if they are getting married!

Oh god, you could be describing my dad, who was predictably awful when he found out i had a boyfriend age 15. He just never understood that maybe a shy, self concious teenage girl might need a nice, supportive response for a months before any 'banter' reaction but no, it was straight to taking the piss and it meant i didnt tell him anything after that. And i dont feel sorry for that, even now. He was the adult and carried on poking and prodding even when he could see i was getting upset, what kind of parent sees their child upset and doubles down?
Please please please dont tell him. You will hurt your relationship with your son for no good reason.

I imagine now that he's told you and his girlfriend will hang out more at your place he will put 2 and 2 together himself wont he ?

Also you say your older DD hasn't had a boyfriend yet, but might it be the case she has but just chose not to say anything knowing how her dad would react ?

I had this situation. I asked DS why he didn’t want dad to know and he said because he will get over excited! To be fair DH is excitable and asks far to many questions which all our teenagers (and me!) hate.
I did tell DH because I knew I could also tell him why DS was reticent at letting him know, and most importantly DH wouldn’t react badly to being told why. Relationship only lasted two weeks, DS did finally tell DH, DH was calm and minimum interrogation! I think so much depends on your DH and how he will react. If he won’t take the information and deal with it the right way, keep your son’s confidence as that’s most important.

I wouldn’t break your sons confidence but offer to tell his dad for him when he’s ready. If the DC find him difficult to talk to DS might appreciate the offer. But only when he’s ready.
My dad always used to tell me I could write down anything I didn’t want to say directly to him or text (once mobiles became a thing!) which I liked.

Unless my son told me a secret that endangered himself or others then I wouldn't say a word to anyone. His 'secret' is not yours to tell. If you tell your husband what your son has told you in confidence then you'll have no one else to blame but yourself when next time he chooses not to tell you either.

Totally agree with @whiteroseredrose

@BabyOnBoard90 - putting aside it isn't "withholding information from" in my view - that would be if there were something important about your own relationship, work, money, etc etc. This is someone else's news, not the OP's.

I can't see the roles being reverse, because OP has built that relationship with her dc. Her dh hasn't.
I wouldn't tell my dh if one of my dc told me something in confidence, just as I wouldn't tell him if one of my friends told me in confidence, and he wouldn't tell me if someone told him in confidence, and I'd think a lot less of him if he did.

I'd prioritise my son. My husband would understand and if it were the other way around, I'd be glad my son was speaking to his dad even if it meant not speaking to me. It's good he's talking to you, don't betray his trust by telling his dad.

Sounds like bias nonsense to me.

Challenge the husband's approach to dealing with the news yes, but he should be aware of such a significant update.

I hardly think a 14 yr old saying he has a girlfriend is "a significant update"

I mean, the ds has told the OP that he and his girlfriend "have been together a few months".

That's nice for them, but, at 14 it is hardly "a significant update". They clearly haven't been spending loads of time together outside of school, or I suspect the OP and her dh would have noticed over all these months. I'm not knocking the relationship at all, I'm just saying it isn't a thing that would make me break the confidence of one of my dc - or anyone else for that matter.

I think you should say to your son ‘that’s nice dear’.

I’d tell my DH under pain of death that he didn’t respond with any more than ‘that’s nice son’ when he did find out. To my mind, parents have to act together in the interests of their children and if you can’t do this then you and your DCs have a serious DH problem.

That said, I absolutely ABHOR teasing. It’s not funny or banter. It’s cheap power play from the person doing the teasing. Hate it.