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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

today I witnessed child abuse but don't know the family - how to report?

121 replies

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/11/2022 22:07

Is there anyone in child safeguarding etc or SS who can advise what to do?

Nutshell: at a kids party today I witnessed parents 'discipline' their unruly child in a very abusive manner - adult father trying to restrain child (no older than 7) and ended up literally kneeling on him for several minutes. Child was very upset, in pain, and sobbing for him to get off.

Mother was present and witnessed, was apologising for child's behaviour but not batting an eye at what the father was doing.

I'm ashamed that in the moment I froze - was wrangling my own kids and the situation escalated suddenly, I couldn't believe what was happening on some level and did nothing to help the child.

I can't get it out of my mind and feel distraught that I didn't intervene at the time. Genuinely sick at the thought of what's going on behind closed doors if that can happen in public at a birthday party. Definitely feel I must report.

However, I don't know this child or the family at all. Can't think of any reason to ask the party host for their info - if I did it would surely identify me once there was a report. Honestly I am a little bit scared of the violent father, if he knew I'd reported and could find out where we live...

Does anyone have any suggestions how I could help this child?

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 27/11/2022 23:19

Seems odd that no one you were with / talking to commented on this? Even if you froze in the moment - did everyone at the party freeze too? There is usually one person in a crowded room who does something? And then no-one you were talking to even commented on it?

CourtneeLuv · 27/11/2022 23:26

I'd speak to the host before calling the police. If there are no issues where the kid has to be restrained this way, then I'd report.

Don't cause people possibly unnecessary stress and problems without knowing the full story.

Endwalker · 27/11/2022 23:33

CourtneeLuv · 27/11/2022 23:26

I'd speak to the host before calling the police. If there are no issues where the kid has to be restrained this way, then I'd report.

Don't cause people possibly unnecessary stress and problems without knowing the full story.

Sorry but this is rubbish. "Don't cause people stress when you don't know the full story" is minimising what OP says she saw.

So let's say I go to work tomorrow and one of my KS1 children tells me that their back is hurting because yesterday they were naughty and their daddy had to pin them down and kneel on their back even though they said that it was hurting them.

Do I

A, let it go because I don't want to cause unnecessary stress to the family?

B, ask the parents about it even though this could cause further issues for the child?

C, raise it with my safeguarding lead who is more qualified than me and can make a more in-depth determination about the situation?

(Hint: it's C because when it comes to concerns about the safety of a child you don't give the benefit of the doubt).

DollyDoofer · 27/11/2022 23:42

You saw a parent kneeling on a child to restrain him and thought the parents behaviour was abusive. You witnessed the incident OP. You deemed it abusive behaviour. I’m glad you are reporting. Child abuse is everyone’s business

MissMaple82 · 27/11/2022 23:44

BlazingFlames · 27/11/2022 22:14

You cant report if you don't have a name or address

MissMaple82 · 27/11/2022 23:48

MabelMoo23 · 27/11/2022 22:15

I’m a safeguarding school governor.
please even just call 101. A parent who has no problem doing this in public, who knows what they are like in private.

What rubbish, you literally haven't been witness to this so you can't comment. And whst do you think they are going to do quite honestly with no name, no address, no information after the fact ??

gogohmm · 27/11/2022 23:51

I was taught proper restraint technique for my dd with asd, it was to protect her as much as anyone else. What you describe sounds heavy handed but it could be a family doing their best in a difficult situation

OldFan · 27/11/2022 23:54

As a PP said, a bit of pressure is not the same as kneeling on someone.

Why did you not go over and say to parents 'hi is everything OK, is there anything I can help you with'?

I would probably have been the same. I wasn't brought up knowing how to handle confrontation so I tend to just freeze at the moment when something inappropriate happens, and have to do something after the event.

OldFan · 27/11/2022 23:56

What you describe sounds heavy handed but it could be a family doing their best in a difficult situation

Doesn't make it ok, does it? I mean, a lot of abusive parents probably don't feel they're acting inappropriately.

OldFan · 27/11/2022 23:57

whst do you think they are going to do quite honestly with no name, no address, no information after the fact ??

@MissMaple82 They can interview OP and others who were at the gathering.

iamjustwinginglife · 28/11/2022 00:01

You have enough information to report to social services and let them investigate. If it's a child with ASD then the parents will understand why it's been reported and they'll explain. You gave venue, time, name of party organisers -report anonymously and it will still get looked at.

Sockwomble · 28/11/2022 00:06

If you need to restrain a child you can do it without kneeling on them.

Ponkyandthebrain · 28/11/2022 00:22

Report it to the police. They will go to the ‘party throwers’ and ask for details so it’s fine if you don’t know who the parents are. I expect other people were probably as shocked as you and froze not knowing what to do. It’s a common response. No one will know it’s you can be done anonymously. I’m a CP detective. We would want to know. If there are are ‘reasons’ we will find out and then no harm done. Please call 101 or online report.

RunLolaRun102 · 28/11/2022 00:35

I would speak to the birthday mum first and find out what’s going on first. I was at a softplay recently where a dad had to restrain his 8 yo because the git was dropkicking toddlers off the top of a slide. It was def the last resort.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2022 00:39

Presumably your friends with the birthday kids parents? Have you mentioned what happened to them?

BlackeyedGruesome · 28/11/2022 00:55

There's restraint where you use minimum force to keep them and other people safe. and avoid hurting the child. and for as little time as necessary. followed up with calming strategies. It does look really shit, sometimes. Younger than seven? surprised at the kneeling on. Mind you I have seen some humdingers when to restrain safely without hurting the child has taken both parents. (but kid was older than 7)

CrochetIsCool · 28/11/2022 01:12

I am shocked by the number of responses on here suggesting that a father kneeling on a child of no more than 7 might be be an appropriate means of restraint!

OneFrenchEgg · 28/11/2022 01:15

Additional needs or otherwise, parents aren't generally taught restraint (a whole other issue) and can sometimes use inappropriate methods to try to manage situations - so either all is well, parents can explain and/or are already under eg disabled children's team or they can get some help to manage OR this is abusive and child can get some help.

sorenlorenson1 · 28/11/2022 01:25

Definitely report. At the very least, these parents might just need some support with how to effectively and safely deal with their child- whether or not the child has additional needs. Parenting is hard and you know nothing of those parents backgrounds, upbringing etc- a lot of parents need some guidance.
they might even already be known to social services.
we have a social worker as one of my 4 children is severely disabled. She’s a children’s disability social worker and has been an amazing support to our family- helping us with courses to go on, respite holiday care for my son, carers club for my other 3 children, counselling for me (mental health issues and PTSD)
they won’t find the parents and take the child away.
they will support and intervene where necessary.

safeguarding children is every adults responsibility. It’s not for us to sit here and say well it could be this or or could be that… your bit is to report (find the social services number for your area) give all the details you have… call 101. They will do an immediate welfare check if they can get the details of this family.
then leave to the professionals.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 28/11/2022 02:38

You say that you froze but what we put everyone else?

Yiu must have unfrozen at some point so why didn’t you say something then?

Thenose · 28/11/2022 03:05

A grown man kneeling on a small crying child for several minutes is abusive... unless the child's autistic. In which case, he's fair game, apparently.

I truly despair.

Ask the party organiser what she thought about what happened; perhaps she'll cooperate with you re the names/address without disclosing it to the parents.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 28/11/2022 03:59

It's okay OP. I had a father like this and honestly it's better you didn't intervene as awful as that sounds. The father was likely a very dangerous man if he is bold enough to do that to his own child I assure you he would not have a problem hurting you and traumatizing your own children further. Not to mention if you aggravate him further he would have taken it out more on his children and probably his wife at home. It's better than your waited to go home and get your head on straight. I hope that social services these days are better than they were when I was a kid because they would just check us for bruises or ripped scalps find nothing and just leave and then he would wait till the coast was clear and then absolutely beat us senseless. Then we were worse off than before they called us... 😑

Morph22010 · 28/11/2022 05:02

gogohmm · 27/11/2022 23:51

I was taught proper restraint technique for my dd with asd, it was to protect her as much as anyone else. What you describe sounds heavy handed but it could be a family doing their best in a difficult situation

Where were you taught proper restraint? Where we live no one does training for parents we’re just expected to muddle through.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 28/11/2022 05:23

Safeguarding is everybody’s business. 100% report it OP and ignore the people
minimising this on this thread. Horrifying

Charlieiscool · 28/11/2022 06:16

It would have supported that child’s mental health if you had intervened at the time. I understand we can freeze and hesitate but if you see a child being abused you need to say something at the time.