To call out racist/misogynistic BIL?

[CactusPrickle]

Have NC'd as this may be identifiable but have been around a while.

Newspaper journalists are lazy cunts.

A couple of months ago I had a big birthday party for a milestone birthday and this weekend I caught up with some really close friends in person for the first time since the party.

Friends DH asked me if I'd spoken to my BIL since the party and I said not really as we're not close in the slightest. Friend then said they wanted to share with me what BIL had been saying at the party, as it had made a lot of people extremely uncomfortable.

Worth explaining that BIL has 4 young children with his wife but he came to the party alone due to childcare & he drank to excess (as he always does ). He was speaking to my friend and some other friends of mine and they asked general 'what do you do' type of polite conversation. He then came out with a spiel about how he's the breadwinner of the family and his wife's job is a 'token role' for housekeeping money (SIL is an accountant). He said she was at home because he deserved the break from his £160k a year job that he works hard at, but also admitted to watching TV while working from home half the day and foisting his work onto 'underlings'.

He then went on to 'boast' that he drives a Jaguar and he can have nice things because he can play the game. Was moaning that the Truss/Kwarteng budget didn't go through as he'd have been better off, and poor people should work harder.

He also said he loves his little village because there are no black and Asian people (he used racist slurs). At this point, a friend of mine who's black explained that he really shouldn't be commenting on the ethnic makeup of his home and BIL said 'oh fuck off, you woke prick'. He also made comments about me having gay friends and how I was 'collecting tokens'.

I'm aghast. Absolutely disgusted and furious that this man shares DNA with my DC. DH is livid and wants nothing to do with BIL outside of the relationship with his parents, but I want to go fully NC. I don't want my children around someone as hateful and racist & want to explain to PIL and SIL what's been shared.

None of the rest of the family are as extreme in their views but are right-leaning on the political spectrum. SIL has a very diverse group of friends & I think she'd be furious to hear him speaking like this. I know he'll brush it off as 'drunk banter' but I want nothing to do with him.

I don't know what to do as this has the potential to massively upset PIL (who are lovely) but I won't endorse this behaviour by accepting it. WWYD?

My bil is similar but not as rich. Has no concept of who he is speaking to and thinks everyone is as racist and misogynistic as him. We've gone NC but we haven't done it in any 'calling out' way. We still see his wife and kids and go to events he isn't attending but we just make excuses for ones he is at and we don't offer any invites. I haven't seen him for 5 years now and it's been lovely!

What a horrible prick. I don’t think this is an either / or though, you can go full NC with him and allow your husband to choose his own level of contact.

FWIW, if it was my sibling, I’d still maintain some small level of contact with them because of my parents but I wouldn’t expect my husband to

Why do you label all journalists as lazy cunts.

Who do you think, among other stories, broke the thalidomide scandal, fatal blood transfusions and the MP's expenses issue?

@VeniVidiWeeWee because I don't want this ending up as fodder for the daily fail. The lazy journalists are the ones I'm targeting with my comment, don't take it personally.

To the PPs - PIL adore having their 'brood' together, they have 4 DC all with their own DC and partners, so avoiding BIL would mean not attending these gatherings and I feel PIL deserve an explanation for this. Also means that DC and their cousins are likely to lose contact as I'm usually the one making plans to get the DC together. DH is thinking about exactly what he wants to do but he says he's furious and disgusted with BIL's attitude

She doesn’t want it to end up in the sun as a puff piece.

She's just said this so the pricks who wrote for the Daily Fail won't pick this up and print it

They steal threads from here all the time

To answer your OP, you need to raise it with your sister because it's disgusting and not something you can sweep under the carpet. What a racist prick.

That's horrendous. No way would I have this person around my children. It's amazing what people say when the filters come off after a drink, then try to pass it off as drunk chat. Weirdly I don't become a vile racist after a glass of wine....

All the papers do it not just the DM.

You read the OP and the bit you're concerned about it how it's offensive... To journ

I read something along these lines once and think it applies here: you're not an ally if you're only an ally when it involves no discomfort or consequences for you.

I will not associate with racists, no matter whose DNA they share. If that means there is collateral damage so be it. Other people's "quality time" isn't ever going to be more important than taking a stand. How will things ever change?

I'm not a journalist.

I just dislike lazy stereotyping bigotry.

I dont understand the logic that calling journalists pricks will stop this being printed

I dislike lazy stereotyping too, but - if you are on MN quite a bit - you will have seen how too many 'so called journalists' don't bother doing their own investigating or writing, they just lift stories off here.
Clearly the OP is hoping they will be less likely to with that in the opening post, highlighting right their in their "article" just what they have done.

I'm pretty sure the article says it's lifted off mums net

Back to the Op

I think I would have to speak to BiL in front of SiL and tell him what you had heard him saying at your party and calmly say to him that you don't want to mix with anyone who holds those views. I would then explain that to your PiLs too. I think you have to come to some agreement with your dh about whether that means you both don't want the dc to ever have anything to do with him.

I wouldn't just avoid him, I would have to say something to him, and do it soon, whilst you have specific examples of how offensive he was rather than waiting until the next family event when it might be some months since your party.

So YANBU. I think you should challenge him about it.

The daily mail will just take the story and cut out the line of insult if they want to.

🤷🏼‍♀️

He is what he is. I wouldn't avoid family gatherings because of him. He has marked his card and made it clear by his actions he isn't worth any effort. Grey rock him. Pull him up sharply if he says anything inappropriate in front of the kids

Yep, then they link to the thread.

Pretty embarrassing for them if there's lots of sweary posts about them

Some people are racist because they dumb, some lack education or knowledge, and sometimes you can put that right with the correct mechanism. Call it out, point it out, counter with a positive example for every negative example.

Some people are just racist though. Out and out, there will be no changing it. Your BIL sounds like one of these types. Can’t comment on how to handle it, but i’d face straight on.

The sad part is, the past few years have set us back so much, that i feel more people are becoming more and more racist and those who were, feel able to come out of the closet. maybe it’s a good thing, we can see who is racist now and choose our friends accordingly.

Greenlunchbox, is it embarrassing for them, who's gonna click on that story?

If you have members of your family who are this awful just stop seeing them. Tell them why if you want to but it's unlikely to make any difference to how they behave. You don't need MN to tell you how marvellous you are for not seeing your BIL.
And I agree with VeniVidiWeeWee -it's just another form of bigotry to say what you said about journalists - however you justify it.

DMail et al pick up threads on a regular basis just as MN links to DM articles all the time. It's how this works.

Yanbu. He sounds horrific.

I would ban BIL from my home and never invite him to anything of mine ever again. It’s up to the rest of the family what they want to do. If they invite him to theirs and invite me to same function, I’d still go but would basically ignore him.

Op mich as I hate what he said, and 100% beleive he said it, is it the case you yourself didnt hear him say anything racist?
If so saying anything opens yourself up to not being believed if and when he denies it.
So keep your ears open and keep wary of him and avoid where you can for the foreseeable.
I see a sad bitter insecure man on the edge of a breakdown.