To call out racist/misogynistic BIL?

[CactusPrickle]

Have NC'd as this may be identifiable but have been around a while.

Newspaper journalists are lazy cunts.

A couple of months ago I had a big birthday party for a milestone birthday and this weekend I caught up with some really close friends in person for the first time since the party.

Friends DH asked me if I'd spoken to my BIL since the party and I said not really as we're not close in the slightest. Friend then said they wanted to share with me what BIL had been saying at the party, as it had made a lot of people extremely uncomfortable.

Worth explaining that BIL has 4 young children with his wife but he came to the party alone due to childcare & he drank to excess (as he always does ). He was speaking to my friend and some other friends of mine and they asked general 'what do you do' type of polite conversation. He then came out with a spiel about how he's the breadwinner of the family and his wife's job is a 'token role' for housekeeping money (SIL is an accountant). He said she was at home because he deserved the break from his £160k a year job that he works hard at, but also admitted to watching TV while working from home half the day and foisting his work onto 'underlings'.

He then went on to 'boast' that he drives a Jaguar and he can have nice things because he can play the game. Was moaning that the Truss/Kwarteng budget didn't go through as he'd have been better off, and poor people should work harder.

He also said he loves his little village because there are no black and Asian people (he used racist slurs). At this point, a friend of mine who's black explained that he really shouldn't be commenting on the ethnic makeup of his home and BIL said 'oh fuck off, you woke prick'. He also made comments about me having gay friends and how I was 'collecting tokens'.

I'm aghast. Absolutely disgusted and furious that this man shares DNA with my DC. DH is livid and wants nothing to do with BIL outside of the relationship with his parents, but I want to go fully NC. I don't want my children around someone as hateful and racist & want to explain to PIL and SIL what's been shared.

None of the rest of the family are as extreme in their views but are right-leaning on the political spectrum. SIL has a very diverse group of friends & I think she'd be furious to hear him speaking like this. I know he'll brush it off as 'drunk banter' but I want nothing to do with him.

I don't know what to do as this has the potential to massively upset PIL (who are lovely) but I won't endorse this behaviour by accepting it. WWYD?

I think you need to tell your BIL that his behaviour was unacceptable and inappropriate when he is in a social setting. Invite his dw and the dcs but make it clear it doesn't include him. Don't cut yourself off from your PIL. You won't necessarily change his views but he might gradually become more socially aware.

@CactusPrickle

So, are you coming back re your bigotry?

You are vastly over estimating the interest news agencies will have in a second hand tale about an annoying BIL who gets drunk and mouthy at a party

Thank you to all who commented on the topic at hand, which is BIL's behaviour and the subsequent potential fallout.

I refuse to be drawn into the debate over lazy journalists and the line in my OP was an attempt to dissuade them from using my post as tabloid fodder, I won't apologise for this.

Interesting range of opinions but to cover a couple of things, I won't go NC with PIL or SIL/kids but BIL has a history of being a selfish prick, this just cemented my view of him and compounded just what a vile person he is. DH & I have been together 22 years and I didn't like BIL from the beginning, but I didn't think he was an outright racist. He's the epitome and a white middle class man with all the stereotypical views of someone who does business on a golf course and won't employ women of childbearing age as he hates having his business interrupted by maternity leave.

I’ll be doing this at a family Christmas event in a couple of weeks, otherwise we’ll won’t get to see all the extended family over Christmas.

I’m planning to use the grey rock method with an Uncle although, I think I will fail at this as he can’t go very long without spouting verbal diarrhoea. I usually challenge his toxic views on our family WhatsApp Group, but I would like to avoid an in-person Christmas showdown. It will be hard as I despise bullies and will have to call him out on anything he says or does that is inappropriate in earshot of our young DC and/or other family DC.

He is ignorant, uneducated and stunted due to consequences of hanging out with the wrong crowd at an impressionable age. He has since suffered due to the lack of life experiences and feels sorry for himself whilst blaming others. I do feel sorry for him and some of us think he may ADHD, but that is no excuse.

He wasn’t around much when I was growing up as a child, but my few childhood memories are of him at family events arguing with family members and once even trying to physically fight another family member.

We are also prepared to leave and cut the visit short if need be.

I’m hoping he doesn’t turn up as he likes to do that for attention and then start with the ‘Oh woe is me’ because he doesn’t have, etc, etc.

I refuse to be drawn into the debate over lazy journalists and the line in my OP was an attempt to dissuade them from using my post as tabloid fodder, I won't apologise for this

But you said all journalists are lazy cunts.

I don't see how you can call out BIL for his nasty views when you hold the same views about a different set of people.

Given the choice between indulging my sense of outrage and upsetting my inlaws, or quietly minimising my contact with him I'd chose the latter.