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Original poster

Should I talk to my SIL about giving up work?

37 replies

keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 18:58

I’m in two minds about how to deal with this situation, so thought I’d come to Mumsnet to see if people would want someone to say something to them in this scenario….

My SIL is unmarried, but with a relatively long term partner. They bought a house together last year (I think the deposit was borrowed mostly from his parents) and had a baby, who is now 18 months. SIL went back to work 3 days a week, and baby has been in childcare for those days since then. However she is ALWAYS ill, not unusual for new babies at nursery! My SIL is almost always the one who has to take days off work with my niece. Her boyfriend works from home in a busy job but not a crazy busy one, and he could definitely take on more of the load.

I held my tongue when SIL went back to work part time and didn’t ask about whether they were paying more into her pension to make up the shortfall etc. as I know it’s none of my business. However now it looks like SIL is going to give up work completely as childcare is too difficult. I’m SO concerned about her doing this when she’s not married to her boyfriend. It feels like she’s making all the sacrifices and there’s no security for her. I like her partner a lot and I trust him, but also I know how things can go wrong in relationships and I worry about what may happen in the future. I also know she does really want to get married and talks about it a lot, and yet he hasn’t proposed and says they’ll get round to it at some point. It all just feels like s massive red flag to me, and I don’t want SIL to end up in a shit situation.

Do I say something? We have a close relationship but it feels so personal to talk about finances in that way, and I also don’t want to sound like I’m accusing her partner of leaving her soon or anything like that. I guess I just want to make sure she’s really thought through all her options before she quits work.

Or should I just butt out and let her make decisions?

OP posts:
WeAreAllLionesses · 27/11/2022 18:59

If the house is in both their names she has some security, surely?

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:01

@WeAreAllLionesses house is in both names but they have extremely low equity - bought when prices were at their peak and on one of the last 5% mortgages offered. I’m also not sure if they have a deed of trust for the money borrowed from his parents - I think they may judging by some conversations. If they split over the next few years she wouldn’t really have anything at all, I don’t think. Unless I have that wrong and it may work out differently because they have a child?

OP posts:
HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 19:03

Why do you refer to him as her boyfriend and not her partner?

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:04

@HotChicolate she always calls him her boyfriend. Why does that matter? I also said partner in the first reference to him.

OP posts:
Crankley · 27/11/2022 19:05

Unless she is in some way mentally incapable of making decisions for herself I don't think you should get involved.

It's not your situation to deal with and personally I would not welcome your interference.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 27/11/2022 19:05

If you have a close relationship, I think it would make sense to have a conversation about it. Not in a judgy way, just “here are a few observations I have - maybe you’ve thought this all through - I debated whether to raise it but I decided I’d do so even though it’s awkward, because I really care about you and will always be in your corner”

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 19:09

You need to butt out.

Ad they aren't married, she isn't your SIL. She's your brother's partner or girlfriend

This is none of your business whatsoever.

thaegumathteth · 27/11/2022 19:09

What? No of course you shouldn't say anything!

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:10

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 19:09

You need to butt out.

Ad they aren't married, she isn't your SIL. She's your brother's partner or girlfriend

This is none of your business whatsoever.

Oh no, sorry! It’s my DH’s sister. I’ve known her since she was 14.

OP posts:
Milesty1 · 27/11/2022 19:10

I have a friend who is splitting up from partner, unmarried and over the years she took massive steps back at work to allow her partner to progress his career (they have a kid who needed childcare). Now he owns the big house they live in and she will have nothing if she moves out. He always said ‘they didn’t need a bit of paper’ etc and it’s really bitten her in the arse. I’d tread very carefully, maybe say you read a story and it made you think of her, just to put it out there??

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:12

Milesty1 · 27/11/2022 19:10

I have a friend who is splitting up from partner, unmarried and over the years she took massive steps back at work to allow her partner to progress his career (they have a kid who needed childcare). Now he owns the big house they live in and she will have nothing if she moves out. He always said ‘they didn’t need a bit of paper’ etc and it’s really bitten her in the arse. I’d tread very carefully, maybe say you read a story and it made you think of her, just to put it out there??

This is exactly the kind of thing I worry about happening, I have read so many stories about it. I’m sorry your friend is going through it. So tricky and need to tread so carefully, and I accept at the end of the day they’ll make their own decisions as a couple.

OP posts:
Milesty1 · 27/11/2022 19:12

keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:10

Oh no, sorry! It’s my DH’s sister. I’ve known her since she was 14.

Show quote history

I could work it out that she must be your DH sister! I think this plus the length of time you knew her does make it more appropriate to say something (very carefully)

PrincessPoodle · 27/11/2022 19:13

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 19:09

You need to butt out.

Ad they aren't married, she isn't your SIL. She's your brother's partner or girlfriend

This is none of your business whatsoever.

Why do you think she'd refer to her brother as the woman's boyfriend, and not her brother?

getoutof · 27/11/2022 19:13

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 19:09

You need to butt out.

Ad they aren't married, she isn't your SIL. She's your brother's partner or girlfriend

This is none of your business whatsoever.

It clearly isn't her brother's partner she's talking about

PrincessPoodle · 27/11/2022 19:14

I'd say something next time she mentioned it in a casual way.

On the other hand she might realize that giving up work is her only option because the boyfriend won't do his share and she'll just end up losing her job

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:14

If it WAS my brother I would have had some very clear words with him months ago that he needs to step up with time off to look after his daughter, and would definitely have brought up to him that he’s putting her in a vulnerable position.

OP posts:
DuchessOfSausage · 27/11/2022 19:15

Get your DH to speak with her, unless you and DSIL are close.

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:21

@PrincessPoodleI’m worried about that, I think. As I said, her partner is a nice person and we get on well with him but he’s clearly been a bit… crap at taking joint (or even just a bit!) responsibility for childcare issues. I don’t want her to suffer just because he’s being a tool and maybe she doesn’t want to admit that to her family?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 27/11/2022 19:24

I don't think you should get involved. To be honest I think anyone would be mad to even give up a part time job in the current costs of living crisis unless he is a high earner.

tickticksnooze · 27/11/2022 19:29

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 27/11/2022 19:05

If you have a close relationship, I think it would make sense to have a conversation about it. Not in a judgy way, just “here are a few observations I have - maybe you’ve thought this all through - I debated whether to raise it but I decided I’d do so even though it’s awkward, because I really care about you and will always be in your corner”

I'd be thinking along these lines. You've known her since she's 14, why wouldn't you at least gently sound her out.

What's the point of having close relationships if nobody can ever be arsed to look out for you or bring their concerns to your attention.

It's perfectly possible to have the conversation without telling her what to do or criticising her.

Salvia89 · 27/11/2022 19:40

Absolutely bring it up with her gently. Before joining Mumsnet, it’s probably something I’d have never properly considered in a relationship so although the convo may be a bit awkward, she may have to idea about the potential future problems she is setting the foundations for.

Original poster
keepyertrapshut · 27/11/2022 19:50

I think from these responses I will bring it up if she mentions something about it again. I’ll try not to do it in a heavy, intervention way, just a sort of introducing the idea. Maybe mention she should double check what the process is with NI payments etc. We are close, and I think the potential awkwardness is probably worth it to make sure she’s looking at things clearly. I think my Mum or my sister would do the same for me if I was in that position.

OP posts:
Stationsofthecross · 27/11/2022 19:54

Depends how close you are - I am very close to my sil and will have no issue bringing something like this up to her with no worry of a fallout with my own brother.

Calmdown14 · 27/11/2022 20:10

I wouldn't necessarily tell her but would ask questions that might make her think about it in more detail.

What type of job is she giving up? Unless it's a zero hours type contract really easy to step into then I'd be saying 'oh it must be really hard but will you be able to get three days again easily? My fictional friend did this and then really regretted it as she had to go back full time for a whole year before they would let her cut hours'.

'Oh it's good you'll have more time with the baby. Will you be speeding up the wedding plans to give you more protection? My friend x got married after they had a baby as they realised she wouldn't get his pension of death in service benefits if the worst happened.'

Basically pitch it at things that aren't 'your bf might leave you ' as she'll just say 'that won't happen' or think you don't like him

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 20:13

Ah my apologies re the relationship. Obviously she is your SIL.

I still think you need to back off though.