Should I talk to my SIL about giving up work?

[keepyertrapshut]

I’m in two minds about how to deal with this situation, so thought I’d come to Mumsnet to see if people would want someone to say something to them in this scenario….

My SIL is unmarried, but with a relatively long term partner. They bought a house together last year (I think the deposit was borrowed mostly from his parents) and had a baby, who is now 18 months. SIL went back to work 3 days a week, and baby has been in childcare for those days since then. However she is ALWAYS ill, not unusual for new babies at nursery! My SIL is almost always the one who has to take days off work with my niece. Her boyfriend works from home in a busy job but not a crazy busy one, and he could definitely take on more of the load.

I held my tongue when SIL went back to work part time and didn’t ask about whether they were paying more into her pension to make up the shortfall etc. as I know it’s none of my business. However now it looks like SIL is going to give up work completely as childcare is too difficult. I’m SO concerned about her doing this when she’s not married to her boyfriend. It feels like she’s making all the sacrifices and there’s no security for her. I like her partner a lot and I trust him, but also I know how things can go wrong in relationships and I worry about what may happen in the future. I also know she does really want to get married and talks about it a lot, and yet he hasn’t proposed and says they’ll get round to it at some point. It all just feels like s massive red flag to me, and I don’t want SIL to end up in a shit situation.

Do I say something? We have a close relationship but it feels so personal to talk about finances in that way, and I also don’t want to sound like I’m accusing her partner of leaving her soon or anything like that. I guess I just want to make sure she’s really thought through all her options before she quits work.

Or should I just butt out and let her make decisions?

I would tread carefully and would get your DH to talk to her rather than you getting involved.

She’s his sister, and you’re an in law. If she resents what you’re saying, concludes that you have a problem with her partner and are suggesting that they might split it could cause issues for you with the wider family. At least if your DH mentions it it’s his family, iyswim.

I think I'd tell her the story of a mythical old friend of yours who you've just heard has been left high and dry by her relationship ending and her having been in a very similar position to SIL ie unmarried and having taken a hit on her career path.

If she brings it up I would talk to her about it as you are close and have known her a long time. If you have a close relationship you should be able to discuss this kind of stuff. As her partner is not really stepping up I think it's good that you are looking out for her. It sounds as bit unlikely that he will be eg. Paying into a private pension for her while she is out of the workforce.

If I had a close friend in this situation I'd bring this up in conversation. The fact that she's also your SIL is kind of irrelevant. I think it's pretty normal for women to privately voice concerns to each other isn't it?
You don't need to be heavy handed or overstep.
I don't think it's rude if it's a long-standing friendship as long as you're not being judgemental or bossy. And you don't sound like that in the least.
Women should look out for one another.
Your SIL will shut down the conversation if she doesn't want to discuss it and you'd obviously respect that.

You need to step away. Any concerns need to come via her brother not you.

Maybe he can have a chat at some point but you are not her mother and she’s an adult.

Baffled by the responses. i would say something OP. She may not realise how vulnerable she is making herself

Because that's what he is?

OP, I would say something. Like PP's I have friend who have been screwed over after years of reciting the age-old "it's just a piece of paper"...

In a friendly FYI way I'd definitely raise it. Why wouldn't you?! Not every knows/thinks about these things and knowledge is power.

Just make sure it's not a lecture, but a bit of shared info.

Would it be better if your DH had a brotherly chat? It's a difficult one but like you I'd struggle not to say something x

I would say something.

I have seen this happen to friends, and it is a terrible thing to see someone essentially out of options if their relationship goes wrong. Too often these days divorce screws over women who have up their careers to support their partner's career,

Maintaining your own earning power as a women & mum is vital.

Say something to her, please.

On its own I think the childcare thing could be a non-issue. I'm the one who would always take the time off as my husband earns about 5x what I do and is self employed and it is much harder for him to leave work. However I can see the point about financial risk from other points of view in a way it's easier for me to take the risk as I am married

I would definitely raise it (and have with colleagues I've known for a damn site less time than you have known her).

I usually raise it as an "FYI have you thought through the implications of giving up your job as it makes you quite vulnerable in the event of the relationship ending"

I've got a tonne of stories about women taking time out and then basically not being able to get back into workforce at any reasonable level, being screwed over about money etc and of friends who have had real options in the event of divorce because they have maintained their well paid careers.