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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with an unreasonable DH?

44 replies

Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:39

Long term plan is to leave. I need to get back into work when youngest in full time education and then leave but right now I really need some advice and support please.

DH is very unreasonable, manipulative and controlling. I had my youngest birthday party over the weekend and invited his little nursery friends which DH didn’t like. I ignored his wishes as my kids deserve happy memories. It was fantastic, I made so many connections as I don’t see nursery parents at drop off or pick up and everyone had an amazing time, I felt so good, haven’t felt this happy in ages. He disappeared for the whole day and when he came back at the end of the day he had a miserable look on his face and was moody and rude to people.

when everyone left and my sister remained with my friend and we sat catching up and chatting he kept coming into the room giving me the usual “eyes” and angry face I ignored him and didn’t look his way. He then texted me saying “I thought this was a kids party? Why are they still here? My dad has called wanted to speak to “my kids name” I don’t want to talk to him with people still here. Tell them to leave.”

He was then rude to my sister when she tried to make small talk with him.

he’s been banging the doors and furniture today and broken lots of things. He’s told me to get the “fuck out of my house” and told me I’m “poor scum” as I don’t work. I’m actually a supply teacher so I do earn money and don’t ask him for anything. I’m fed up. My mum heard him today as he was swearing at me whilst I was on phone to her. He’s very professional and earns a huge amount, so many people think he’s amazing. They don’t know what a crazy psycho he is. Im so lonely and fed up. I was crying looking at photos of myself from years ago - I was beautiful before I married him and he’s work me down over these years and broken me,

OP posts:
Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:41

*worn me out

OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 27/11/2022 18:44

No way to live for your kids OP. No way to live for you.

Why are you waiting for school, and how long is that? Can you confide in your sister/mum and do they already know what's going on?

Absolutely awful situation, I was in similar years ago and every single day I am grateful I left.

biggerbetterfasterstronger · 27/11/2022 18:44

Call the police he sounds dangerous

Marjoriesdoor · 27/11/2022 18:44

You should leave now, putting it off as a long term plan will only cause more emotional harm both to you and your children. It seems impossible, until it’s done. There are people who will help you. Call Women’s Aid tomorrow. Best of luck

cookiesbeforepookies · 27/11/2022 18:45

He sounds awful Flowers

Ia there really no way you can leave with the children now?

Would you be able to stay with your mum?

How long until youngest is in FT education?

biggerbetterfasterstronger · 27/11/2022 18:45

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

LBFseBrom · 27/11/2022 18:46

What a horrible situation, your husband is dreadful. Many people don't enjoy children's parties but they don't carry on like that, they put up with it for the sake of the child.

He is terribly rude.

I understand that you are trying to get things together and save so you can leave but is it possible for you to get him out of your home? It's worth looking into.

Alternatively could you stay with your mother in the interim?

I wish you every good luck.

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2022 18:46

Whose name is the house in? Why are you waiting for the little one to be in school? Could you find a permanent job, even for a year and put your child into nursery?

Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:49

It’s his house. I signed a document saying I’ll move out if we divorce. He made me sign it. Only his name is on the deeds, youngest will be in school September 2023.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 27/11/2022 18:49

Waiting until your youngest is in school is too late.

if you’re a supply teacher could you look at putting your youngest into childcare and returning on a one day a week/two day a week basis? Are you primary or secondary?

I wouldn’t stay. It will just get worse.

ThatshallotBaby · 27/11/2022 18:50

This is so sad. Have you got real life support? Is there any way you could stay with your sister? I think you need legal advice.
You don’t deserve this. Dig deep and get yourself and your children out of this. Flowers

Scarydinosaurs · 27/11/2022 18:51

If you’re married surely that overrides what you signed?

even if the house is in his name it’s a shared asset - right?

have you got time this week to speak to someone to get advice on the legal side of things?

ThatshallotBaby · 27/11/2022 18:51

Were you coerced into signing?

biggerbetterfasterstronger · 27/11/2022 18:56

Get proper legal advice op

but if that’s the case he’d be making you and your dc homeless if you divorce so I’d be speaking to woman’s aid first thing tomorrow

icelollycraving · 27/11/2022 18:56

I believe the early the divorce the better. I wish my mum had left my dad the first time she went for divorce, I was about six. By the time she did, I was 15 and I have to say it has affected my relationships entirely.
If he coerced you into signing the house away, would it be legal? Could you stay with family?

cookiesbeforepookies · 27/11/2022 18:57

Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:49

It’s his house. I signed a document saying I’ll move out if we divorce. He made me sign it. Only his name is on the deeds, youngest will be in school September 2023.

That document won’t hold up in a court if you say you were coerced / threatened into signing it.

You need a solicitor.

knittingaddict · 27/11/2022 18:58

Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:49

It’s his house. I signed a document saying I’ll move out if we divorce. He made me sign it. Only his name is on the deeds, youngest will be in school September 2023.

YOu are married. You can resister your home rights with the land registry. I would do this straight away. Now. It is a very simple form and costs nothing to do. It means that he can't sell the home without your permission and protects your rights to equity in the home during divorce.

I also highly doubt that anything you signed that goes against your marital rights would be legally binding.

Lastly you need to end this marriage.

knittingaddict · 27/11/2022 19:00

What do your mum and sister think of him, now that they've seen/heard what he is like?

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 27/11/2022 19:01

I appreciate its tough but please leave as soon as possible, speaking as someone who has recently left an abusive marriage (4 months free yay!) I too thought my youngest was too young to be affected (he's 2 nearly 3) and I thought I was doing a good job of protecting them from the shit their dad put me through. I knew my 7 year old was more aware than the 2 year old but I honestly thought they were mostly protected and generally unaware, oh how wrong I was. Since we've left the difference in both children has been huge, my 2 year old has a severe language delay so can't tell me things but he's clearly happier and a lot of his sensory seeking has stopped. My 7 year old has disclosed many things and is now in therapy to help her and refuses to have anything to do with her dad. All professionals involved with both children (both autistic/additional needs) including their teachers have commented on how different they are and how much happier and settled they are. As you can imagine the mum guilt has been pretty horrific but we are doing great as a tight happy loving unit of 3. Please please leave as soon as its safe and practical to do so as your kids will be more aware than you can ever know and neither they or you deserve to live in such a toxic environment. Womens aid have been a great support to me as have friends once I finally opened up and disclosed the abuse I'd suffered from. It's hard but it's so so worth it x

Dillydollydingdong · 27/11/2022 19:01

Get some proper legal advice over the house. The law says a married person has a financial interest in the matrimonial house. And you cannot contract out of the law. It sounds as though your H has mentally opted out of the marriage anyway.

gamerchick · 27/11/2022 19:01

Newe1 · 27/11/2022 18:49

It’s his house. I signed a document saying I’ll move out if we divorce. He made me sign it. Only his name is on the deeds, youngest will be in school September 2023.

I wouldn't be taking that set in stone.

Calm down, as your mother has heard him, speak to her and ask her for help in leaving him and then see a solicitor about your rights. I think you'll feel calmer once you sift fact from fiction.

Byelaws · 27/11/2022 19:06

Aw OP, sending all hugs and strength. Tell your mum, your sister your friends. Keep
posting here. Do not listen to his narrative.

Well done for ignoring him and having a nice chat with your sister and your friend:

Don't wait. Get his dangerous presence out of YOUR house.

Fairislefandango · 27/11/2022 19:10

He sounds potentially dangerous. You need to call Women's Aid and a solicitor asap to protect yourself and your dc from this scumbag of a man.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 27/11/2022 19:10

I would also be concerned that he may escalate his behaviour as you "defied" him by going ahead with the party and then refused to acknowledge the angry eyes. I'm sorry cos I know you asked for support to help you stay for now and I can't give you that, he won't change, things won't improve, you will only continue to be more worn down the longer you stay making it harder to leave eventually. Now is the time to go, not just because it will get worse and affect you and the kids more but because your sister and friend saw this side of him today, your mum heard him, you made connections and remembered what its like to feel happy and free when he was absent from the party. You have support, your family has seen a glimpse of the truth, please please get in touch with womens aid, they have a 24hr helpline and can help you plan your next steps. Get in touch with your local housing team and/or a solicitor. Now is the time to break free and you CAN do it I promise x

SuperFly123 · 27/11/2022 19:15

He is abusive. Don’t delay in getting out. Get legal advice and leave asap, for your sake and your childrens. This will continue to escalate.

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