How to deal with an unreasonable DH?

[Newe1]

Long term plan is to leave. I need to get back into work when youngest in full time education and then leave but right now I really need some advice and support please.

DH is very unreasonable, manipulative and controlling. I had my youngest birthday party over the weekend and invited his little nursery friends which DH didn’t like. I ignored his wishes as my kids deserve happy memories. It was fantastic, I made so many connections as I don’t see nursery parents at drop off or pick up and everyone had an amazing time, I felt so good, haven’t felt this happy in ages. He disappeared for the whole day and when he came back at the end of the day he had a miserable look on his face and was moody and rude to people.

when everyone left and my sister remained with my friend and we sat catching up and chatting he kept coming into the room giving me the usual “eyes” and angry face I ignored him and didn’t look his way. He then texted me saying “I thought this was a kids party? Why are they still here? My dad has called wanted to speak to “my kids name” I don’t want to talk to him with people still here. Tell them to leave.”

He was then rude to my sister when she tried to make small talk with him.

he’s been banging the doors and furniture today and broken lots of things. He’s told me to get the “fuck out of my house” and told me I’m “poor scum” as I don’t work. I’m actually a supply teacher so I do earn money and don’t ask him for anything. I’m fed up. My mum heard him today as he was swearing at me whilst I was on phone to her. He’s very professional and earns a huge amount, so many people think he’s amazing. They don’t know what a crazy psycho he is. Im so lonely and fed up. I was crying looking at photos of myself from years ago - I was beautiful before I married him and he’s work me down over these years and broken me,

As a survivor of abusive relationship, where I felt I could not leave -- the best advice is to look at the big picture, suffer the short term turmoil, loss of money, discomfort and inconvenience, to save so much pain, stress (and your mental health? And maybe your life?)

You have family and friends, a support network, be open and vulnerable with them I beg, share your plan to be with this man until September 2023 and exactly how he treats you and how you feel. Trust in the people you know truly love you.

To answer your question directly how to deal with an unreasonable (abusive) DH, cultivate your sociopathic tendencies. Compartmentalise all emotions and think strategically. Let who you are become a tiny voice within yourself, which you want to disregard for now.

Figure out how to manipulate him, how is he weak? What does he need to hear? What can you do for him, even if you don't want to, to get what you want? BJs? Tell him you lucky you are? How lost and broken you'd be without him etc... how sorry you are to go against his wishes? Follow his abysmal parents decisions unreservedly? Loving look at, coo at and hold the arm of a man you are rightly repulsed by...... Trying to deal with him is not worth it. Please don't try. Abuse escalates. Don't kick this problem later down the line leave him now

I hope you’re safe op
Speak to women’s aid if you can today for advice and a solicitor, you need to get yourself away from him

Same. I hope you are ok @Newe1.

He's a nasty piece of work. If you split I think he's going to be vile with no regard for minimising damage to the kids. I say this because he has a lot of similarities to my ex. Before you leave your abusive relationship you need to get all your support in place. If you contact women's aid the local team seem to know who the good solicitors are and you need to make sure you are first at their door. You can do this OP.

That document is not enforceable, assuming you live in the UK (or several other countries).

There is support out there for you OP. Please reach out. Womens aid or Rights of women would be a good start. Or your GP. I completely understand that he has worn you down and made you feel like everything is hopeless but it is really not. You can have peace and happiness.

In your shoes I would set up a secret email and contact womens aid. They can help you. Best wishes

Please reach out for support as a married couple you have rights regardless of any prenup as a parent you have rights. This is an abusive toxic relationship not good for you or the children. Don't wait.

Things are not going to get better for you if you stay, and will probably get worse. You know what your husband is, as do we all, and writing it down has probably brought it into sharp relief.

Your mother and sister already know. Not all of it but they'll have seen enough to have worked it out.

Please get legal advice and start laying your plans to leave him. You'll feel much better when you've done something constructive about this.

To answer the question: yes he is being unreasonable and this may well be the ground for your divorce, so start noting all the instances of such behaviour. You'll be needing them.

Good luck.

Unlikely to be worth the paper it’s written on. Was it drawn up by a lawyer? Even then doubtful it would stand under U.K. law.

Coercion? Hopefully therefore not binding. Don't move out of the family home.
He sounds vile.

please don't stay with him

I’m not a lawyer but if he coerced you that might not stand up

Gosh you worried me slightly then, I thought you were seriously telling her to give him what he wants. You are absolutely right, this is what she would need to do and you are absolutely right that it's not worth it. Even if OP does pander to him and tries to hang on the abuse WILL escalate, it already has as he's clearly not being as careful/bothered about others seeing this side to him. The only answer OP is to leave and do it as soon as possible, Sept 2023 is too far away and you'll likely then be so broken down you can't leave or it'll be too close to Christmas/youngest needs to settle in at school first/there will always be a reason it's not ideal lovely. Big hugs and stay strong as you leave this abusive man x

He's a lot more than unreasonable. He's abusive.

What has he broken? You should ring the police. Then plan to leave as soon as possible.

I think you need to stop giving him the credit of being unreasonable he's an abusive husband not an unreasonable one you and your children are living with coercive abuse.

This is most likely not valid.

Don't wait, just leave. You and your kids deserve to be happy.

You're right to start being honest with yourself. If you know it's not going to get any better then speak to a lawyer, get free first consultation. If he makes a lot of money he can support you in a new accommodation with the DC. He sounds particular unhinged, get out now before you become any more abused. Your children don't need this role model for how men treat women and children.

Thank you everyone. He’s given me silent treatment all day. I’ve tried to talk to him as my eldest daughter has Xmas concert and I need to book tickets but he’s not talking back to me.

Abusive and coercive control.

You need to call Womens aid asap.
Tell them everything.
The smashing of things.
The forcing you to sign over the house.

Call 101 and ask to speak to someone about DV and Coercive control.

You may well be able tobget HIM out of the house.

You need legal advice.

Please ask your family for help.

He thinks he has you bullied.

Start talking to people.

Start telling family and friends the truth.

He gets away with this because you are covering up the truth.

Stop it.

You are in a much stronger position than you realise if you reach out for help.

Oh OP 😔
Is it possible to move before the primary school application deadline before so that you can apply for a primary in your new area ? Leaving after she starts means an extra school move and possibly being stuck with a poor school in the new area.

As the others say, get legal advice on the agreement. If you're in England, it may not be legal.