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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member arranging things with daughter without taking to us?

48 replies

Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:06

AIBU to be annoyed with SIL for making plans with my 14 year old daughter without consulting us? For example arranged to take her swimming not once mentioned it to us, arranges to take her to the pub - messages her 'fancy coming to the pub with me I will pick you up?'. We were away for the weekend and the grandparents looked after her and sil was arranging to take her to an evening event at the pub, an event followed by house party which we had said no to.
Making me angry that we are being taken out of the equation. Or am I being too controlling?

OP posts:
serenaisaknobhead · 27/11/2022 18:08

Is she your DP's sister? If so, what do they say?

Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:09

Not sure how to get this moved to AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:10

DH is annoyed too but is laid back so won't say anything he will leave that to me.

OP posts:
elizzza · 27/11/2022 18:11

How old is SIL? Have they always been close or are these plans a new thing?

Unicorn717 · 27/11/2022 18:11

Have yoy told her straight that you don't like her doing this?

Is she just wanting to spend time with her niece?

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 18:12

Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:10

DH is annoyed too but is laid back so won't say anything he will leave that to me.

This is an issue if its his family he needs to deal with it united front and all that jazz none of this "bubble says" or "your mom says" it should be WE said no WE don't want you to do this

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/11/2022 18:12

So you were away, and your SIL did a nice thing to keep your daughter entertained and give her an evening out?

YABU and controlling. 14 is old enough to start building her own relationships with family members.

Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:13

SIL is late 40s. They aren't particularly but I know SIL would like them to be closer. I get that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:14

I am close to telling her but wanted to gauge if I was getting my knickers in twist unnecessarily!!

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 27/11/2022 18:19

It's not ok if it's somewhere you wouldn't want her to go or said no to , other than that it's quite nice to be close to her auntie

InsomniacVampire · 27/11/2022 18:31

Why is an almost 50 year old taking a 14 yo to a pub?

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/11/2022 18:32

Was she inviting her to the pub (as the message actually states) or to the banned party? If the pub, then I cannot see why you'd have an issue with a relative taking your DD out while you're away. I mean, I'm assuming she wouldn't be plying her with vodka!

JemimaTiggywinkles · 27/11/2022 18:34

I arrange stuff directly with my 14yo nephew, but only stuff we’ve done before so I know DSis is fine with the activity. Something new and I’d check he’s allowed. Wouldn’t dream of taking him to a pub though. It’s more like coming over in the holidays to play computer games or going to the latest Marvel film at the cinema.

I did used to organise activities via DSis, but now nephew is older and manages his own social life.

Heartsofstone · 27/11/2022 18:40

This is not ok for me, she should check with you first.

Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:41

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/11/2022 18:32

Was she inviting her to the pub (as the message actually states) or to the banned party? If the pub, then I cannot see why you'd have an issue with a relative taking your DD out while you're away. I mean, I'm assuming she wouldn't be plying her with vodka!

2 different occasions.
When we were out of the country it was to see a band then potentially a house party.
Today invite to the pub with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:42

I just find it disrespectful not to mention it to us or check we don't have plans.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 27/11/2022 18:43

Why would someone in their 40s want to take a 14 year old to the pub?

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2022 18:44

Your Dh needs to tell her to go through him, not go direct to your dd, that’s out of order.

Michellebops · 27/11/2022 18:47

So you're away both times with grandparents in charge of your daughter?

We're the grandparents involved in the decision of aunty taking her out.

Either way I think your getting your knickers in a twist over something that's quite trivial.

14 year olds don't want to be stuck inside with grandparents when there's something better on offer.

God I used to take my niece and nephew out when they were at my parents all the time.

And my sil will take my daughter if they have something fun planned and my daughter is at my parents.

Trust and a good relationship will go a long way

ChocolateBauble · 27/11/2022 18:56

I wouldn’t like that at all. It seems a boundary issue. I hope the trip to the pub was just for your teen to have a fizzy drink. If you have a “fun auntie” situation who lets your teen drink alcohol when she is with her I think that will be more difficult to stop without driving a wedge between you and your child.
what does your DD think about it? Does she like meeting her Aunt or does she feel obliged to?

Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 18:57

It was the one time she was at the grandparents and we planned lots of exciting things for them to do, one including SIL.
Every other time DD is with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylittlebubble · 27/11/2022 19:05

DD happy to go and when not will say not.
Dont get me wrong I don't mind them spending time together it's taking me and DH out of the equation that's bugging me.

OP posts:
Sandysandwich · 27/11/2022 19:08

At 14 I would assume she is old enough to tell her aunt if she already had plans, and is old enough to arrange plans herself.
I don't think the aunt is doing anything wrong- she is asking if her niece wants to go somewhere- if she needs your permission to go then surely your daughter can ask you before agreeing?

Create10 · 27/11/2022 19:15

But she's 14. It's perfectly okay to ask a 14 year old niece if they'd like to do something, and then mention it to the parents.

I will say to my 2 year old nephew, 'shall we go to the park next week, DN?' and when he says yes I'll say 'okay, we'll tell mummy'. It wouldn't cross my mind that I should ask his mum first.

ImAvingOops · 27/11/2022 19:18

I don't like this either. I think it's polite to check with parents first, in case they have plans. I wouldn't want a relative promising my 14 year old all the fun stuff and then me having to be the bad guy by saying no, if the activity was unsuitable.
I think your dh needs to say that she must run it by you before offering to dd just in case.

It is hard when people start bypassing you to make plans directly with your child - I have struggled with it a bit and have to keep perspective that they are growing up and part of that is managing their own social lives to a degree. It's especially hard if you feel a family member is bypassing you to undermine parental decisions - before you fall out over it, you need to be clear whether sil is just thoughtless or deliberately not involving you.