Family member arranging things with daughter without taking to us?

[Mylittlebubble]

AIBU to be annoyed with SIL for making plans with my 14 year old daughter without consulting us? For example arranged to take her swimming not once mentioned it to us, arranges to take her to the pub - messages her 'fancy coming to the pub with me I will pick you up?'. We were away for the weekend and the grandparents looked after her and sil was arranging to take her to an evening event at the pub, an event followed by house party which we had said no to.
Making me angry that we are being taken out of the equation. Or am I being too controlling?

I think at your DD’s age it’s perfectly fine for your SIL not to have to go through you. I would have issue with an adult wanting to bring my child to a house party though. Does your SIL not have adult friends?

Your daughter is 14. It's up to her to check with you, not whoever else asks her if she wants to do something.

Rubbish. It's your child, you don't need your husband's permission to say you're not happy with something.

At fourteen, surely DD is making her own social arrangements. Presumably you don't expect her friends to consult you before suggesting something to DD, so why is it different because it's her aunt?

DD presumably knows if you already have plans and she can't do whatever is suggested, but if she doesn't, you can just say so when she tells you about it - just as you would if she'd made plans with a friend when you'd arranged to do something else.

At 14, the time has come for your child to start to build her own relationships with the adults around her. Some will go through you, but not all, and that's fine. (Unless there is a drip feed where the SIL is going to get the DD drunk)

A meal or a gig/event in a pub is usually fine for a teenager.

I have a 14 year old neice, I do text her and ask her if she wants to do something but I always say - “if you’d like to, check with your mum that it’s ok”.

At 14, I’d never arrange something without permission of her mum!

Can you clarify, is this when you and your dh were away, and your dd was left with her grandparents ?

I think this seems odd because it sounds like your SIL isn't used to taking your DD out, and this is something new, or is that not the case? Has she changed from not doing stuff with your DD on her own to wanting to do things, OR from arranging to take your DD through you and now wanting to arrange directly with her? If it is the former, that is pretty annoying, if it is the latter, then not so much.

YANBU.

It’s rude and it seems particularly intrusive. I would not like this at all at all.

At 14 I wouldn’t bother going via the parents. My nephews 5, I go via his mum to set up arrangements but it’s generally after I’ve said to him do you fancy doing X with me….it’s never been an issue

She is 14 not 8.

Hell I'd do anything for family to take mine off our hands for a few hours!

If it is the former, that is pretty annoying

Why? I would assume aunt thinks DD is now old enough for them to do things they will both enjoy as equals, such as going to see a band, rather than aunt having to trail around child friendly activities being bored. Nowt wrong with that.

Surely your DD just asks you and you can say 'oh sorry, you're going to have to tell Auntie Bubble you can't as we're already going to my mum's that day/you need to revise for your biology test/you've got a karate class'

If your SIL isn't expecting you to do any driving, I really don't understand what is rude or intrusive or anything else about this. It seems a nice thing to do

It’s rude and it seems particularly intrusive. I would not like this at all at all.

Again, why? Why shouldn't the DD have a relationship with her aunt independent of her parents? (Is it because it's the SIL, rather than OP's own sister?)

At 14 I would have no problem with dc making plans directly with auntie, if they knew they wouldnt clash with our plans, and would think it lovely they were taking them out.

Regarding the pub, if it was a family pub no problem. Local bar not suitable for a 14 year old I'd have words with auntie over what was appropriate.

As for the party, if your 14 year old knew she was banned I'd take that up with her. Was the auntie at the party too or just dropped her off?

Can your daughter not check with you? Is she not allowed to make her own plans?

She's fourteen, not four.

Surely she is partially organising her own social life anyway and checking with you if its OK. So does it matter whether she is arranging with friends or auntie, she checks or let's you know.

And surely being with an adult is safer and more sensible than being with other teenagers

It happens all the time. The house party was when we were away.

She never spent much time with DD or us really. So yes new to wanting to spend time with her. I dont mind them doing things together I just find it rude and annoying.

Rude and annoying to cut us out of the conversation.

Rude and annoying to cut us out of the conversation.

But if your DD was making plans with a friend, you wouldn't expect to be part of the conversation, would you? It would just be 'Mum, Katie and I are going to do XYZ on Saturday, and then she's asked me to go back to her house for a pizza, so I won't be home to tea.'

WHY is it different when it's her aunt?

I was just about to post pretty much exactly that.

I agree with @Zosime
At 14, it is nice that she is building a relationship with an adult other than her parents.
When she say "Mum, Aunt has asked me to go to X with her" you can still say no, if you are concerned about the event / place / time, but there is nothing rude about the Aunt speaking to her niece directly at that age.