Apparently I'm "old fashioned and anti-feminist"

[MVDC]

Because I told my friend who's thinking about TTC that she should seriously consider getting married first, even if it's just a register office job.

Apparently that makes me puritanical and woman shaming. Have directed her to the 4 threads I've read so far this morning where women had kids unmarried and are now getting completely screwed by their partners as the relationship breaks down.

I'm really, really angry. Not so much at my friend as at society who's convinced women that "cool girls don't need marriage" and I'm just... My coffee isn't Irish enough.

Didn't add message!

That's a bit of an insulting thing to say isn't it?

Perhaps it was the way that you said it that pissed her off?

Well, if you are in Scotland and you have children, you cannot get divorced until the child arrangements are agreed or there is a final court order in place. It means the other party can in effect contest the divorce by continually disagreeing on the child arrangements and run up huge legal bills on both sides. I would not get married again here. I am still not divorced despite separating almost ten years ago. So my advice would be think very carefully before you get married.

You aren't your partner's legal next of kin for one. If he's hospitalised then his parents will be making the decisions on any treatment and on-going care if he isn't able to. They could even stop you visiting him and if the worst happens you'll have no legal say in any funeral arrangements.

Please can people stop posting factually untrue statements. Without a LPA, NO ONE can legally make medical decisions for someone without capacity. Not family. Not spouse. And not next of kin. It is up to the medical professionals, who are bound to act in the patient's best interest.

That is the legal position.

It isn't just about you.

If one of you, husband or wife becomes unable to earn for whatever reason, then there is some protection for them.

If you have children who are unwell or disabled, and you have to stop working in order to look after them, then THEY are protected if you are married.

Marriage is a LEGAL arrangement DESIGNED to protect the children of that union and whichever parent, mother or father who may need to give up their earning potential.

PLEASE can people not use abbreviations without explaining them first?

I have no idea what TTC means and so won't bother to read the thread.

I know a couple who had lived together for decades, who decided to get married after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. They actually ended up getting married in the hospital chapel, it was that close a call. He died 2 days later.

Trying to conceive... It's very very common on here so not unreasonable to think ppl will know what it means!

Unless it's Teasing The Cat...

I think the safety net of marriage can be overestimated by many.

Marriage often doesn't give a whole lot of additional protection unless the husband-to-be is well-off. Unfortunately, this is often not the case and there is little or nothing there to claim in the divorce settlement afterwards.

Marriage is indeed a good idea if the husband-to-be is likely to accumulate significantly more assets and income during the marriage that the woman.

In general, woman would be better advised to ensure that they look after their own financial wellbeing by developing their career and protecting their assets and their income.

My coffee isn't Irish enough.

What does this mean?

The don’t read. You’ve been saying the same thing over a period of time on different threads. Someone even directed you to the abbreviations list. If still a problem, you could ask nicely. No one cares if you read the thread or not.

Number 1 priority is to have a career and earn your own money. This protects you in all scenarios

How does earning money and having a career stop you from having a life-changing accident? Or a child with a disability that needs 24/7 care? Or how does it stop your long-term partner having a life-changing accident, being diagnosed with a life-limiting condition or having a parent that needs caring for?

It's vital that people are as indepdent as possible and that we do what we can to save for a rainy day, put insurance in place, have a will drawn up with clear understanding of the implications, etc. etc. But there's absolutely fuck all we can do, as individuals, to stop the passage of time and the problems that can bring us.

That was to Rightsraptor.

I will be going back to work.

How can you be sure? Assuming you mean after pregnancy, well I've got news for you: if you have difficulties with the pregnancy or birth, or your child has a genetic condition, you may find yourself or your child or both become disabled and you may find yourself not able to, or not able to work full time hours or in your previous job. THESE are the sorts of things you need to be thinking about when planning your long term financial future, not the best case scenario.

How would marriage benefit me?

By giving you rights if your partner tries to screw you over, deliberately or otherwise. Which they frequently do. Because they can. If you don't fancy marriage with all its connotations, pop to the register office get a civil partnership. (I've learnt this the hard way, retrospectively, by the way.)

True. But he would have made an active decision to do so, even if it is shitty behaviour... my point is to try and avoid just "sleepwalking" into cohabiting if that's not right for you without making an active choice or because you didn't get around to it. I'm dealing with family that "didn't get around to it" for some processes... and it's harder as we all get older not to seem like I am meddling. Often people prefer not to know until it's too late!

Marriage often doesn't give a whole lot of additional protection

It does, in subtle but important ways. Often to do with housing.

Agree, @LadyMarmaladeAtkins

People never seem to put in place provisions for the worst case. If they even bother to plan at all.

It's a very old-fashioned and dated statement to put it mildly.

It certainly gives every indication that MVDC's 'friend' may have had a point.

If next of kin is a blood-relative, is very difficult for the NHS or anyone else to over-ride. If the parents of someone who has had an accident are standing by the bedside saying 'that woman did nothing at all other than make his life a misery. She has no right here, he wouldn't want her here, we don't want her here', what is the NHS to do? who are they to believe? you get your protection from being pushed out in this scenario by being married. If you're not married, that protection doesn't exist.

I don't really undertand why some people have a hard time understanding this.

And I say that as someone who, now divorced, would never marry again for a whole host of reasons. I would rather run these risks but I understand them and know what can be done to mitigate the majority of them, if necessary.

Interesting that you saw fit to chop the sentence and quote out of context.

Bingo!

And the taxpayers who then get to support the "struggling lone parent " and offspring.

Do you always insult your friends and swear at them if they give you well meaning advice?

I can't see why people are so opposed to marriage. At the very least you could enter a civil partnership now that they are available to heterosexual couples. It probably doesn't matter too much if you don't have kids, but definitely better to be "married" if you do.

I agree marriage is a safety net for both partners. But it’s not a case of advise marriage OR look after own financial wellbeing via career, assets, etc. To my mind, it should be advise men and women to do both marriage AND look after their own financial wellbeing. The point of marriage is more agreeing to lean on each other as needed, and to have legally binding financial security in the event one of you is disabled, dies or fucks off.

You are not puritan. You are practical. A puritan would tell her that she ought not to have sex before marriage (being a virgin / celibate is the only possible state for a maiden) and how dare she cough up a bastard to her parents and to her entourage... She does not know any true puritan does she...
How are you antifeminist ? How forward is it to willingly make a baby with someone else then having 100% of the risk ? True question here, this is how I see it.