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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want to get a cleaner

54 replies

Pinkysunset · 26/11/2022 19:34

Hi.
I’ve recently gone back to full time work and. Have insisted my husband taken in half the housework as we both work the same amount of hours. previously I did the bulk of it as I was home a lot more. I thought this fair.
my husband has booked a cleaner to come this Friday. I do not want a cleaner. he knows I am against this. He booked it anyway.
reasons why I’m against is getting a cleaner….
i don’t want a stranger in my house while I’m not there
i don’t like the idea of other people changing my bed or cleaning my loo or washing my pants.
I earn less per hour than he’s going to be paying the cleaner.
with the currently economic climate I think £17.50 an hour ( husband reckons 8 hours a week!) could be better spent else where ( pay off mortgage more quickly/ put in saving for emergency/ holiday fund)
I think if we just each did our fair share the house would be fine.
yes yabu: let him outsource his half of the cleaning even if it makes you uncomfortable and uses up a big chunk of family money
no, yanbu: it’s not right to get a cleaner if one person isn’t on board with it.
p.s. I know a lot of people love having a cleaner- I just know it’s not for me.

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 26/11/2022 20:39

Having a cleaner is a perfectly normal thing to do and I think you will find your fears to be unfounded. If your dh wants to pay a cleaner to do his half, I can't see how you can stop him or why you would want to. Or will two hours pw cover all of the cleaning, including your bit? If so, even better. Enjoy your job and enjoy your leisure time too, knowing the housework is taken care of.

Reebokclassics · 26/11/2022 20:43

2h per weeks is fine for a two bed house with large kitchen and lounge. Any bigger and you would need 3h

Thegrassaintgreener · 26/11/2022 20:43

Getting a cleaner was the best thing we have done. If they are insured and have a few references, then that might reassure you?

username8888 · 26/11/2022 20:58

If it's a month, you are being very unreasonable.

Lovetotravel123 · 26/11/2022 21:00

YANBU I am in a similar position and we fixed it by each of us doing one task each day. Good luck with getting him to agree. Sounds like it’s not easy.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/11/2022 21:08

Given the massive shortage of cleaners I'm impressed he's managed to find someone.

But 8 hours is utterly ridiculous.

And as everyone has said cleaners don't do laundry, and most don't change sheets.

If you really object then tell him the cost has to come out of his spending money rather than joint budget.

cosmiccosmos · 26/11/2022 21:10

The thing is getting a cleaner isn't doing his share is it? There are lots of jobs that need to be shared including cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, tidying, the garden, kids lunch boxes, kid clothes etc. cleaning is one small part. Is he saying that paying for a cleaner is absolving him of doing any of the other 'chores'.

I bet he is. I would agree to the cleaner but do nothing else for him or laundry, cooking

Tiddlywinkly · 26/11/2022 21:18

We have a cleaner for 3 hours a week. She does a spot of ironing too. Save your sanities and get one if you can afford it.

No pants cleaning and bed changing. She doesn't tidy so it makes us keep on top of light cleaning and tidying throughout the week. Saves so much resentment.

Labraradabrador · 26/11/2022 21:26

I also have a strong aversion to having a cleaner. For us, I don’t think it actually saves time - I have young children and a disorganised dh, so our biggest challenge is getting all the stuff put away. We had a cleaner for a bit, and I always found the last minute scramble (by me, not dh) to get all the stuff sufficiently put away for the cleaner to clean very stressful and generated lots of resentment towards my other half for not doing his share.

now I do it a room at a time, and half the house is always a mess, but I tackle it on my own schedule. I do miss that feeling of coming home and the entire house being clean, but for me it is just less stressful. I also found it really awkward to have someone cleaning while I was at home (we both wfh).

KangarooKenny · 26/11/2022 21:40

I think it’s fair enough for him to pay it out of his wage if he doesn’t want to do it.

user564576 · 26/11/2022 21:43

My DH didn't want a cleaner for the reasons you stated, I said fine he could clean the house, he didn't, we got the cleaner. I'm not doing something that I can pay someone else to do to free up my time. The amount he's gone for is excessive though.

UsingChangeofName · 26/11/2022 21:48

£17.50 an hour seems very expensive for a cleaner.
Now you've brought it down to 8 hrs a month that makes more sense.

I think that he is as within his rights to out source the cleaning if he prefers that to doing it himself. Quite frankly it is the best money I spend each week. There are lots of other things I save money on, but just LOVE coming in to the house all clean and fresh.

A cleaner will get a lot more done in 2 hours than the person who lives in the house - we get distracted in our own houses.

Not sure that most cleaners will get time to change bedding and do your washing in a 2 hour stint though.

Welshwabbit · 26/11/2022 22:00

I also don't like having a cleaner. We had one for a while and I just found the whole process stressful and uncomfortable. My husband does want a cleaner. As I'm the block, I do the cleaning (also the laundry). He likes cooking (and is much better at it than me) so he does that. He also does more childcare in an average week. We both work full time. It works for us; I don't mind cleaning, I find it clears my mind and I like having something I can control (my work is quite full-on and stressful). Our house is a bit scruffy and some things slide some weeks, but it's at a level we can all live with.

I don't miss having a cleaner at all. I completely understand why people employ cleaners, it's just not for me.

Sandrine1982 · 26/11/2022 22:04

8 hours a week is crazy. we do 4h every 2 weeks and it's a 4bed house. And £17.50 is quite a lot too! We pay our cleaner £13 as that was her rate but most people around me pay £15/h.

HopefullyBePregnantViaIUI · 26/11/2022 22:04

Surely 8 hours is a bit much x

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 26/11/2022 22:07

it's his choice

No, it isn't. He has a right to get a cleaner to come and clean his own house if it is his alone, or his own home office or garage or car that his partner isn't involved with. He certainly does NOT have a right to have someone come into a house he shares and hence the personal space of his partner who has not consented, and handle her stuff (including joint stuff).

He also doesn't have a right to spend family money on this without agreement. He does have a right to spend money on his own cleaning needs such as the above, IF it is coming out of money he would otherwise be spending on his own "fun stuff".

And he has no right to spend money on a cleaner that isn't wanted by his partner, or needed overall, if he's not making sure his partner's financial situation, pension etc. are having spare family money put into first, to the full, as well as his own of course (ie both, properly).

He's a CF and a Lazy F. And possibly a Financially Irresponsible F.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 26/11/2022 22:11

Having a cleaner is a perfectly normal thing to do and I think you will find your fears to be unfounded.

True. But it's also extremely normal to not want a cleaner in, for a variety of reasons. It's nothing to do with fears, or whether they are unfounded.

Dontaskdontget · 26/11/2022 22:17

So he’s using joint household money to oay for his share of the cleaning? That doesn’t seem fair.

That said if he won’t do it he won’t do it and you need someone to do it. I also would not give my key to a strnager and allow them in my house when I’m nit there, I’m always amazed tbet people do.

I suggest you have a cleaner do a deep clean on a Saturday once a month.

The rate seems high unless you have an agency, I’m in South East and mine charges £13.

KangarooKenny · 27/11/2022 06:12

Sandrine1982 · 26/11/2022 22:04

8 hours a week is crazy. we do 4h every 2 weeks and it's a 4bed house. And £17.50 is quite a lot too! We pay our cleaner £13 as that was her rate but most people around me pay £15/h.

OP has already said it’s 8 hours a month.

Conkersareback · 27/11/2022 06:22

For 8 hours a month, they won't be changing your bed or washing your pants.

mrsbyers · 27/11/2022 06:36

We have a cleaner every fortnight , probably around 3 hrs each visit (varies a little but is fixed price for 4 bed , 2.5 bathroom house - love it ! She doesn’t do any laundry and I clean my own toilets before she visits

femfemlicious · 27/11/2022 06:40

8 HOURS A WEEK?!😨. And that's his half of the cleaning? Do you live in a mansion?

Conkersareback · 27/11/2022 06:40

femfemlicious · 27/11/2022 06:40

8 HOURS A WEEK?!😨. And that's his half of the cleaning? Do you live in a mansion?

OP has corrected this to 8 HOURS A MONTH!!

SchrodingersKettle · 27/11/2022 06:50

For 2 hours a week, your cleaner really won't have time to poke through your stuff. You can pick and choose what they do - eg ignore beds but iron 4 shirts instead. Give it a try and see what happens?

My DH loves having a cleaner because he loves that moment of coming into the house and finding it is spotless and fresh.

whiteroseredrose · 27/11/2022 07:27

YABU. You've asked him to get cleaning jobs done, and they will be done. Just not by him!

My DM decided that DstepF needed to take responsibility for washing up, so he bought a dishwasher that he loads and empties. It annoyed my DM but the dishes are cleaned.

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