"Just teasing"

[meetmeinthespring]

A colleague who I considered a friend at work made a joke purely at my expensive at work today...in front of other colleagues.
She also made some sort of mocking at something if shared with her recently...
Nothing personal but it felt that way.
I was quite taken a back. One colleague giggled, the others kind of out of earshot..but still.
I asked what she meant and she just replied "I'm just teasing"...
I carried on until I finished my shift but could feel myself tearing up, but didn't.

I don't know if I want to tell this "friend" much anymore or share small things with.
I just feel a bit like it made me feel silly and why would you do that to someone.

What was the thing you told her?

She’s not a friend and I wouldn’t share anything else with her.

It's hard to comment without more detail but joking at someone else's expense is never a nice thing to do.

Just teasing is code for just being a dick

‘Oh we’re just teasing’ was a standard in my home growing an excuse for being bitchy and cruel keep well away.

Would really have to know what was said in order to decide who is overreacting,if at all.

If it wasn't personal, do you think she was maybe trying to bring you into the joke knowing you had some knowledge of the subject? Was it something you'd laughed about when you told her? I'm not sure how you could be the butt of the joke and it not be personal.

I'm playing devil's advocate, obviously I have no idea if it was mean or not because I don't know what she made a joke about.

People joke at my expense all the time. And I return that. But we are people who make jokes a lot and understand its just a joke and are not offended by it . But there are many people who dont work like this.

Know your audience, its not that difficult.

Just teasing = bullying in this case

Take a large step backwards and NEVER tell her anything again, unless you are prepared for her ro share it with everyone.

Of course you could tell her something totally batshit and then take her down when she uses it in a similar way to "tease" you.

It doesnt really matter what was said or what the subject was, if its so raw that it brought you to tears then its not ok. Noone gets to dictate what you are allowed to be upset by under the guise of "just teasing" which is usually a BS excuse people use to be a hurtful prick. The best way to handle this behaviour is to call it out publicly at the time. So, next time a barb comes your way and its minimised by "just teasing- tee hee!" say "I appreciate to you its just teasing but I dont appreciate comments like that and I find them hurtful. Please respect that". Say it calmly but assertively. Yes, there will be an awkward moment of silence but dont be tempted to fill in that silence, just leave it hanging. The person making the comment will be embarrassed and unlikely to do it again after that. If they do carry on then its time to go to HR. You have imposed a perfectly reasonable boundary and if they cant respect that then it becomes bullying which should be reported. Most of us manage to work an entire day without making fun of our colleagues and making them cry so its not an unreasonable ask!

It's only a joke if the person you're making the joke about finds it funny, if they don't then you're being nasty. My FIL is like this, thinks practical jokes at others expense are funny, he's really not a nice person.

I've got a long standing friend who's started to mock me in the last few years. I'm not having it and I'm going to comment every time from now on. I'm going to say something like "Oh no don't do that bitchy mocking thing. "
My friends husband isn't nice and criticises her a lot. Rather than addressing that she's kicking down. I'm not putting up with it though

If someone needs to tell you they’re teasing, they’re actually bullying.

She might have been genuinely trying to be funny and she's got it wrong. But what she was trying to do doesn't matter. She upset you and its not okay for her to side step that by saying she was only joking. She should have apologised and made sure yo never do that again.

I agree with PPs, don't share anything else with her. I'd keep her at arms length a bit now, and if anything like that happens again challenge her on it. If she isn't receptive and continues this behaviour, report her for bullying.

This is like that "just banter" excuse. "Just teasing" tends to mean "I know I was bullying you, I enjoyed it, I'm not going to admit it. Definitely stop telling this person anything personal, or indeed anything at all.

She’s shown her true colours! The silver lining is that you’ve realised her true nature before you shared anything really private. I’d cool off the ‘friendship’ and be thankful that I now know what she has like.

Sounds like the ‘mother’ in Disney’s Rapunzel. (DD loves that film, I remember thinking how ‘real life’ that villain was - passive aggressive and gaslighting, definitely have come across people like that, it’s much more unnerving than you’re typical cackling cartoon evil witch).

She sounds mean. If stay away from this "friend" in future.

My father was always, 'just teasing', he was a nasty little shit who hated women, and therefore me, his teasing was just a way to be unpleasant but put me at fault if I bought him up on it.

Yep. That and ‘it’s just banter’.

You know now that you can't trust her with anything - your confidential information or having your back.

I think I would have to say something to her.

It depends what it is but if it’s upset you it’s not teasing and If she saw you was upset and you quite clearly didn’t find it funny she should have apologised. The fact she said just teasing she’s a dick .

Also, 'you know I don't mean anything by it!'

Hard to say without knowing what it was. We all know someone who 'teases' but is actually just a dick. We all also know an over-sensitive drip who gets upset about everything.