AIBU to not want to travel more than an hour to see uni friends?

[B1993]

I went to uni (going back 10 years now) and still do meet ups with friends every couple of months or so. Two have stayed fairly local within 30 mins south of uni. Another lives slightly further afield and is around 40 mins north. I'm about an hour north from uni.

Whenever we organise meet ups it's been in the same city as uni, which has always been fine. However, most of us have kids now (they are mostly aged 2-5 but there's also a 12yr old) so we try and organise things for the kids mostly. Whenever there is a suggestion, it's always further south than the city we usually meet in and I end up driving 1hr+. When one friend had her first, we all met in her hometown. When I had my son, I still ended up travelling 30-40 mins, which, in fairness, is slightly closer.

I've made a fuss about travel times since and we've met in that same place we met when my DS was born once before. Every other time in those 10 years, I've travelled double (or close to) what the other have. I wouldn't mind travelling if one time it was closer to me, the next I travelled that bit further but I always seem to get the short stick for travel times.

Now it's coming to a xmas meet up we're trying to pinpoint a location. Some of which were 1.5hr drive one way for me (40mins for closest friend to it).

AIBU to think that if it's closer to some one meet up, then the next it should be closer to others?

YANBU - they should try snd arrange something more central
YABU - stop complaining about travel times

Just to be clear, AIBU to expect the distance travelled to be more equal? I don't mind travelling more than an hour but compared to their 30 min journeys, it seems unfair to me!

If you don't want to go, just say so, you don't have to make an excuse up.

Driving for an hour is not particularly unusual, no.

Suggest options which are a reasonable travel distance from you.

It's not the time travelled per se, but more of the fact that compared to their 30 min journey, it does seem a little unfair to me. It's also more the fact I'm always the one expected to do that but figured a more central location wouldn't be unreasonable?!

Maybe I'm wrong?

I've made a fuss about travel times since and we've met in that same place we met when my DS was born once before.

Don't know how to make it bold but it seems your friends have been accommodating you for years, if you don't want to go just say but don't make the meet up all about you

To me the idea of merging in your old uni town is lovely for the memories

I've done this serval times but get the impression that it's not convenient for anyone else to travel! They've said they're happy to do it, but when it comes down to it, we never meet in a place easier/closer for me. All the suggestions they suggest are the opposite direction that I am in relation to uni so I feel like I'm constantly moaning about it but nothing changes.

It's 30 minutes. What do you expect to do in 30 minutes? If you said you were travelling hours and hours to get there and all they had to do was cross the road or drive for 10 minutes then I'd understand but I really don't get where you're coming from here.

I'm not sure how this is the case when we've literally met twice in a location that is slightly closer to me. Every other time has been a 20-30 min drive for them and an hour for me!!

I'm I crazy to feel like they aren't been 'accommodating?

OP, if it bothers you that much could you not ask each of your friends to chip in equally for your petrol for the 30 minutes extra you have to drive than they do? It might pay towards a coffee for you while you're there.

The point is just on travel i spend up to 3 hours driving. They might spend an hour there and back.

I would just like something a little more central to travel times are split more equally 🤷🏻‍♀️

The petrol money does come into it slightly as it's so expensive now, but it's more the annoyance I feel having to spend double the amount of time others do. I can spend 3 hours on travel for a meet up, where as dithers are giving up an hour max.

Yanbu OP. I think you maybe take the lead in organising it and see what the reaction is. Maybe take it in turns to be the organiser from now onwards so there's more fairness in locations.

But surely it makes more sense to try and keep everyone’s journey to a minimum? It’s better for one to travel 1hr and 4 to travel 30mins than 4 to travel 1hr and one to travel 30mins. If it’s only every month or two, I think I’d just take the hit tbh.

I could understand that if I was the only one north but there is two of us (but my other friend isn't quite as far as me).

There's opportunities for us to all travel somewhere central where it would take each of us 25-40 mins (like the location we met when my DS was born).

I think you go with whatever suits the majority. If you're further away but a few of them are close to the meet up place, then it makes sense that you're not all put out. Why not make a night of it and book a hotel in that place? Go for lunch, do some shopping beforehand.

I've made a suggestion that's not quite as far for me - we shall see what happens.

one friend replied 'I'm happy to travel.' which seems passive aggressive to me but maybe my hormonal pregnancy brain is looking too much into it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have been doing what suits the majority for a long time now but it's beginning to wear a little thin. Honestly, I don't fancy spending more money on a hotel just so it's move convenient for everyone else.

Can you offer to host? Then you won’t have to travel at all.

Depends - YADNBU to reject the recent suggestion - 1.5hours each way is a bit excessive for just a short catch up, and if even the closest person has to travel 40mins what's the point?

The rest of it is a bit harder - to be fair if you did an equidistant meet up for everyone you'd probably end up in a field somewhere, so it makes sense for events to be somewhere where there is something to do, even if it is slightly further for 1 party. You are also the one who moved furthest away - if you'd all been in uni in London and they stayed around there, and you moved to Inverness, would you really be expecting them to travel somewhere closer, or accept that it makes sense to have a meet up somewhere where the majority can get to easily? Ultimately anything up to an hour (compared to half an hour for them) is fairly negligible and I wouldn't quibble about having to travel slightly further most of the time. Whenever I meet up with old school friends it's usually back where we grew up, because most of them still live around there - it would be silly for 10 of them to travel to me or to one of the others that live further away, rather than 2/3 of us coming to them.

However, I said YANBU because of the most of the time - I agree that never having come a bit closer to you in 10 years is actually not very fair, and particularly expecting you to travel when you'd just had a baby, when you'd gone to the others' house for their newborn.

As this thread goes on I'm more confused and wondering if I've misunderstood something that makes you keep going on about this. You have to drive an extra half an hour. I don't get it. Do you just not want to go?

It depends on the location and type of the place you are meeting surely? If it's pizza express then they are being unreasonable as they are in every town, if it's a garden centre with the most amazing Christmas sector they are fewer and farther apart

Yanbu. Seems strange you have to keep driving at length while no one else does.

I'd bow out if it was clear this was going to be the case again.

Didn't she say she does overall 3 hours to their 1?

Just be honest!
"Hey guys, would you mind if we met a bit closer to me occasionally? I'm finding the long journeys quite tiring... How about we meet at X, Y or Z this time, would that suit? "

Why are you ‘organising things for the kids’, though? That must restrict where you meet considerably. Why not leave them with their other parent and be freer geographically with where you meet?