Dealing with extremely grumpy husband

[superstarDJherewegoo]

How do you deal with someone like this ??

We've had a rough few weeks. Kids have been ill. Husband rarely has time off. Our youngest baby cries a lot etc etc.

I've been in hospital with my DS all night, come home and husband wants to sleep because he looked after baby DS once during the night ( while I was in hospital ).

Today I wake up in a good mood, ready to take on the day. Kids seem better and all husband can do is complain and complain and complain about how shit his life is, how he has no pleasure in his life. How there are toys and baby stuff everywhere. He's always grumpy and bringing me down. He refuses to acknowledge it and refuses to get help etc.

I'm so fed up of seeing him moping around unhappy constantly. It's been this way for so long. All he does is complain and I'm really starting to dislike when he's home, because he's so miserable.

Any cheering him up, doesn't really work and I'm walking on egg shells constantly.

I was in hospital the whole night with older DS and when I got in at 9 am, husband shouted from upstairs for me to take baby DS because he needs his sleep. Who does that ?? Then he mopes around all day, as if he has the worst life ever.

I think most people need to do a parenting course before having kids. It can be tiring and you are literally looking after others all day every day but it doesn't give us a right to mope.
I would sit him down and say to him - you chose and we're an active participant in having two or more kids. They are here now. There is no reversing. Man up and shrug off the negativity instead of being so miserable. They need you to be a role model and not someone who whines.

We all mope sometimes, but this is so constant, it unbearable.

I’m sorry to hear it. My oh definitely went through a depression after DC2 arrived. He could just about cope with the disruption of one but two, and being always on, broke him. I was wrecked too but hey I had to cope! So no advice just sympathy. If you can, have the nicest weekend possible for you and the kids but it’s not easy x

How old are the children and do you both work?

I think the key thing is - will he acknowledge it, and try to change/get help/better coping strategies. Because if so, then there is plenty to work with. If not, then ultimately you have to decide if this is the life you want and either put up with it or leave.

I think that without further information it’s hard to judge. Competitive exhaustion isn’t something anyone wins, so where you say he rarely gets time off, I’d be looking to see whether there is something going on at work that could be making him more anxious or grumpy than usual. Is it just seasonal pressure, or is the company struggling and he’s stressed he’ll lose his job and the income at a time when it sounds like you’re on mat leave and so more financially vulnerable as a family?

Yes, it’s a dick move to demand you take the baby when you’ve spent the night at hospital, presumably with no sleep, when he’s only had to get up once. For that he needs to apologise. But it mostly sounds like you’re both tired and maybe need to talk about what is going on and find a way to get through it together.

No advice as such but I have one of those too ..he is a complete twat , I make my own life despite him and it works for me. I do not give him any attention and refuse to walk on egg shells, He is just this thing in a corner who will either be right or not, it doesnt matter to me, I refuse to induldge his pettiness and moods, We choose to live if he choses to fester in woe is me then its on him,

Not many men can handle the responsibilities of children I'm afraid. My own Dh took the offer of a sideways move at work many years ago now because it involved a lot of traveling so he always had that excuse and could get away from it all. His parents always backed him up because he was the one earning the most etc. I was never meant to moan.
You need to explain to your Dh that children are hard work and maybe some help tidying up or being a bit more positive might help matters more than just moping about.
I know it's hard , children are relentless sometimes and it s years before they are able to do everything themselves.
It's not like the ads like you to think it is

Can you ask him if he needs a night out or a few nights at his parents?

seems like he needs to recharge his batteries

also reframe his problem- this situation is only temporary and it will pass, it’s hard raising children but the day and time will come when you both aren’t tired etc

My DH is a miserable bastard but he rarely goes on about it so I can largely ignore him.

The constant carping would really piss me off.

Ignore him, live your own life, don't walk on eggshells, even perhaps, be grumpy too, until you are in a position to kick the fucker out. He is not king of the house - his moods don't rule.

I would have a long, hard think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a mood hoover.

A lot of men are just more selfish of their time and think they are hard done by.

I don’t know if this is a good idea, but could you keep a diary of all his moaning, jobs he does, the amount of sleep he gets? Say for a week.

perhaps keep an eye on yourself as well.

Then you can go to him, dress it up as concern he may have depression if you like. But the goal is for him to realise that he has slipped into abnormal behaviour.

Then you can suggest other strategies, rather than going to Gp for antidepressants. Mind you there might be a case for putting miserable buggers on A/Ds if it improves their mood.

Other strategies might be any type of ‘how to improve your wellbeing’ type books/online article.

I suggest this as I had an ex who sincerely thought he was a ray of sunshine with very occasional moaning, when he in fact spent considerably more time being a victim of circumstances entirely of his own making. Eg I’m going to stay with a mate to watch some rugby, but now I don’t have time to go to my hobby. Poor me!

For me the question would be is this salvageable or do I need to start making a plan..?

Ehh… sounds like he needs to stop being such a dick if you ask me. And if anyone needs a night out or a few nights away to recharge batteries it’s the OP IMO!

I would try to have a conversation where I set out what the problems are, try to find a way to solve them a way to have a happier life together, if he doesn't engage or seem willing to change then you need to decide whether you can put up with this or whether you're better off striking out on your own.

I can only say what worked to snap my husband out of his moody gloom a few months back.

He too was giving it the "my life is shit, no joy in anything" comments, not bothering around the house and the such like. He'd been struggling with a situation at work, not sleeping well due to night shifts and basically had been taking it out on us at home. I felt I was walking on eggshells and desperately trying to make him happy and excuse his behaviour to myself.

One night he was getting ready to go to work and I had been making cakes in the kitchen with the kids that day. I handed him a little box with cake in to take to work and he took it with what I can only describe as contempt and said, "Great. Cake. That improves my life no end." I took the box back and replied "if your life is so shit, leave. If we make you so unhappy that all you can do is treat us unkindly and forget you're supposed to love us, LEAVE. Tonight. Literally. Take enough clothes with you to work and don't come back afterwards." He was stunned. Gobsmacked. So I left the room and left him there without a goodbye or anything to take with him.

He's changed his tune massively.

My friends husband is like this….goes through phases of moaning about his life and how it hasn’t turned out like he hoped. Taking it out on their kids. But he then snaps out of it and thinks everything is great again…only for it to happen a few months later. It must be exhausting.

Lose. Your. Shit.

Tell him you're very sorry he had to get up once during the night with HIS OWN SON while you were sitting awake in hospital all fucking night with his other child.

As you recall he was a very enthusiastic participant in the conception of these children and he now needs to man the fuck up and be a husband and father, not a 30 year old whinging man child.

If he wants to be an overgrown teenager he can fuck off back to his mummy because you signed up for a husband not someone else's ill mannered, badly brought up brat.

And breathe...

Ha - so he thinks he’s entitled to sleep and you’re not?! Surely you deserve a sleep, given you have actually been in hospital all night, whereas he’s been at home in his own bed and had one small wake up?!

What a prince amongst men.

Not.

By avoiding marriage and children in the first place is my plan.

I think this is the right approach, you need to stop walking on eggshells, explain that him being miserable is making you and the children miserable, that it makes you feel worthless that you make him miserable. Tell him it's up to him to sort it out, either he leaves or gets a new job or thinks of some other solution such as getting in paid help so you can get more time together, whatever it is. Be open about the fact that you have sympathy that he's unhappy but you can't solve it and don't want to listen to complaining.

This, like literally.

Can't believe what I'm reading here. Why tf is it on the OP to wipe his arse and figure out what's wrong? Seriously dudes

Don't walk on eggshells and let it come to a head. It's very damaging emotionally to watch your mother do that. You are teaching your sons that it's ok for men to be like this. The new Christmas gnome PJ's in Next has 'grumpy gnome' on the men's ones, but we've got to stop saying that it's ok for men to be so selfish and bring everyone else down. I'd be giving ultimatums. Shape up ot ship out.

My only solution to dealing with a horrible mood hoover was divorce.

Im a lot happier.