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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish dsister or shall i suck it up?

36 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 25/11/2022 22:40

AIBU to feel hurt she doesn’t understand?
Two important facts:
1.My DS(sister) and I are not from UK but live here for 15+ years.
2.Communion in my culture and for my family is extremely (extremely) important.

My nephews are having a communion in May and since all our family is living in different country, DS is planning to have a fancy lunch there for the family, but the mass will take place in UK as they can attend all of the meetings at church here etc etc.

I just found out she is not planning anything here for myself and my family (i am the godmother of one of the boys) and is expecting me to travel back to our country which is about £700 for my family just for the week (wont be able to stay longer due to work). I am already saving for the gifts as it is an expensive occasion and £400 is the minimum i wanted to spend on both boys.

i wont be able to save next year due to increase of our mortgage, childcare, bills, i just managed to pay off our credit card which i dont want to use now. We barely have any savings and starting to struggle at the moment.

i have mentioned all that but its turning into a family drama now and DS just threw in my face how she spent money last year to go back to our country for my son’s christening (she is his godmother) - true, travelling for xmass is expensive but she was planning to go anyway, also wanted to drive there not knowing the covid travel rules in all of the countries between, and ended up having to purchase last minute flight tickets - everyone advised her to purchase months before bc its too risky and too complicated to drive through few countries, when not all of the countries had same covid restrictions. She didnt want to listen.

I was always very generous auntie to her boys and I am very close with them, but really cant spend so much to go there. If i dont go it will turn into family drama which will affect other people and aspects of our family life which is completely different thread.

i am little hurt. Her lack of understanding my situation is putting a pressure on my family and we are already stretched.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 25/11/2022 22:43

Sorry, I'm not religious, so I don't know what a communion is, but from your post I understand it's a religious event.

But you are complaining that your sister is not holding an event for her own children in a country that you would personally prefer? Is that right?

CaffeineMama · 25/11/2022 22:46

Are you in the UK and able to attend the communion, but would need to travel to another country for the lunch/family celebration?

Or would you need to travel to attend any part of the communion and celebrations?

Also - why do you want to spend a minimum of £400? Did you mean maximum? Surely you are able to purchase appropriate gifts without spending hundreds of pounds? Even if you didn't want to use the money "saved" on gifts to travel, it might be more useful in your pocket as it sounds as if you have other roads for your money

ChicCroissant · 25/11/2022 22:47

Your post is hard to follow OP - you and your sister live in the UK. You had your son's communion in your home country last year, but your sister is having her child's communion here (but a celebration lunch for it in your home country)?

If that's right, can't you skip the celebration lunch in your home country if you're going to be at the communion anyway?

luxxlisbon · 25/11/2022 22:50

So you don’t want to be godmother to your nephews unless your sister takes you out for a meal?
It seems a bit one sided to expect her to travel back your your child’s christening but it’s too much for you to travel back for her children?

If you can’t afford it then don’t go, but wouldn’t you be planning a trip home anyway?

MoveOnTheCards · 25/11/2022 22:55

But surely you’re able to attend the important part, the actual communion service /mass?

why is the lunch so critical?

also £400 minimum per child on gifts?! What on Earth are you planning on giving them? If the celebratory event is so important why not give more affordable gifts so you can divert some of the £ to attending that?

scoopoftheday · 25/11/2022 23:00

We make the sacrament of holy communion in my family so I understand how important it is.

But honestly, what do you spend £400 on?

We buy a pair of rosary beads and a prayer book, perhaps a cross on a chain for a little girl, I can't possibly think what I'd buy my god children for £400.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/11/2022 23:07

So last year you held your son’s communion in your home country but now your sister is doing the same for her sons you think it’s unfair? Why is it one rule for you and another for her?

One of my siblings is getting married abroad in his fiancé’s home country, I can’t go as the wedding is midweek and I’m a teacher and can’t get time off work but I don’t expect him to hold a separate event in the UK just for me.

If you can’t afford to go don’t go, that is fine, but you’re being unreasonable to think she should plan, host and fund a separate event just for you and your family. If it’s that important to you maybe plan something yourself though.

luxxlisbon · 25/11/2022 23:08

scoopoftheday · 25/11/2022 23:00

We make the sacrament of holy communion in my family so I understand how important it is.

But honestly, what do you spend £400 on?

We buy a pair of rosary beads and a prayer book, perhaps a cross on a chain for a little girl, I can't possibly think what I'd buy my god children for £400.

Doesn’t sound that crazy to me, there are 2 nephews. £200 for your nephew’s confirmation wouldn’t be far off the going rate as such where I’m from.
I’m not saying people should give it if they don’t have it etc but it wouldn’t be out of the normal and this isn’t a wealthy circle.

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 26/11/2022 04:41

In regards to the £400 i am planning to spend on gifts - yes its crazy and it is a lot but it is what it is. Its how it works where I am from, godparents spend crazy money and even if I dont agree I wont be trying to change how it works. I knew it is coming and i am prepared for the gift.

i only mentioned the amount I will be spending because it is already a lot and she is fully aware how much I will be spending. Flight tickets on the top of that for a week makes it impossible.

Just to clarify- the service is in the UK, we are both in the UK…but the celebration in another country because rest of the family there.

@MoveOnTheCards apparently priest said church is small so only parents allowed inside, rest of the people would have to stay outside and she said I dont have to come.. i was under impression i will attend the service here, and then probably will go to hers to celebrate.

OP posts:
cookiesbeforepookies · 26/11/2022 05:39

Do you know the church? Call them and find out how many people are allowed in for the service.

It’s possible she is trying to ensure you don’t come to the UK service so you will be forced to go to your ‘home’ country.

She is being very selfish, however if there is truly no space then just accept it but be firm that you can’t fly to home country for a service,

FlamingJingleBells · 26/11/2022 05:43

AnxietyLevelMax · 26/11/2022 04:41

In regards to the £400 i am planning to spend on gifts - yes its crazy and it is a lot but it is what it is. Its how it works where I am from, godparents spend crazy money and even if I dont agree I wont be trying to change how it works. I knew it is coming and i am prepared for the gift.

i only mentioned the amount I will be spending because it is already a lot and she is fully aware how much I will be spending. Flight tickets on the top of that for a week makes it impossible.

Just to clarify- the service is in the UK, we are both in the UK…but the celebration in another country because rest of the family there.

@MoveOnTheCards apparently priest said church is small so only parents allowed inside, rest of the people would have to stay outside and she said I dont have to come.. i was under impression i will attend the service here, and then probably will go to hers to celebrate.

This doesn't sound right to me. How can a church be so small that it can't accommodate the godparents for christenings? Can the christening even be valid if the godparents can't be present to perform their part of the ceremony?

I think the spiritual aspect of the ceremony has been sidelined by the emphasis on money. It all sounds like an excuse to host lavish parties, show off and put people under financial pressure. The actual spiritual message of welcoming the child into the faith has been lost.

Skelligsfeathers · 26/11/2022 06:00

The op's sister is saying she is NOT ALLOTED to attend the communion service in the uk! She must attend the event abroad.

Skelligsfeathers · 26/11/2022 06:02

FlamingJingleBells · 26/11/2022 05:43

This doesn't sound right to me. How can a church be so small that it can't accommodate the godparents for christenings? Can the christening even be valid if the godparents can't be present to perform their part of the ceremony?

I think the spiritual aspect of the ceremony has been sidelined by the emphasis on money. It all sounds like an excuse to host lavish parties, show off and put people under financial pressure. The actual spiritual message of welcoming the child into the faith has been lost.

Show quote history

It's not a christening, its a first holy communion. Kid will be about 7 or 8

daretodenim · 26/11/2022 06:15

Is it a private service? What church is so small (presumably DSIS goes to church along with other people in the community) that it can't hold a regular service? I thought these are community events for the church. Something here I'm not understanding - which may just be me missing something!

I think you were considerate doing your event at Christmas when everybody was already going to be together. DSis is requiring you all to do an extra journey.

Is it possible that you go alone for a day or two and then come back rather than all of you going for a week. It's not ideal but at least you'll be there for your nephew and also not bankrupt yourself.

BTW definitely buy at least your ticket now. I've just missed the cheap flight window for one in early Feb and it'll cost £450 with hand luggage only to fly to an EU location!! And given the rise in flight prices plus the cost of living increases everywhere, it may well be that other relatives aren't all able to attend either, if everybody lives in different countries. Driving is maybe cheaper than flying for a family of four, but one plane ticket can be cheaper than that.

snowshoehare · 26/11/2022 06:16

How significant is a a godparent at a first communion anyway. Surely it's the signal that your job is done now that they are joining the church as an "adult"?

Having said that my Catholic raised mother was truly appalled at the Anglican version of a first communion - it wasn't the big dress up occasion it was in her generation. It was cheap though I'll grant you.

My eldest child's grandmother though has been a constant presence and gave them a generous gift for university expenses. Since he's a little heathen she's never had to turn up for the confirmation.

FlamingJingleBells · 26/11/2022 08:10

Skelligsfeathers · 26/11/2022 06:02

It's not a christening, its a first holy communion. Kid will be about 7 or 8

Show quote history

Ahh I shouldn't post in the middle of the night when I can't sleep! Thanks for the correction @Skelligsfeathers however I still stand by the point that the spiritual aspect of the communion has been lost. Its just been turned into a commercial money grabbing exercise to extract expensive gifts from people.

winteriscoming2022 · 26/11/2022 09:15

This is ridiculous.
I, my parents, siblings, children and now Grandchildren have made our First Holy Communion. It is not a time for £200 gifts, a token rosary or bible is acceptable but not even expected. Nowadays children make their First Holy Communion within a morning mass, with the usual congregation there as well as any family and friends who may want to attend ( RC or otherwise). There will be as much room as there always is and I've never seen anyone turned away or discouraged in a Catholic church. As the children will have been preparing to receive this sacrament for a year it most certainly will be a time for celebration and I'd expect your sister to have you to lunch here as well as you to be there when the children receive Communion for the first time. All the rest, travelling to your home country and hundreds of pounds spent on gifts is nothing to do with the sacrament

Chomolungma · 26/11/2022 09:20

The church is so small that only parents are allowed inside? That can't be right??

OP, I would go to the service in the UK, give presents and go out to lunch with your sister afterwards. Don't go to the overseas celebration if you can't afford it.

AriettyHomily · 26/11/2022 09:26

This is nuts. It's for show not the religious aspect.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 26/11/2022 09:35

Nowadays children make their First Holy Communion within a morning mass, with the usual congregation there as well as any family and friends who may want to attend

Not always. In my church most children do the preparation in school and the service is a special one on a Saturday where there are limited spaces. I couldn’t attend the service for my nephew / godson because there was only space for parents, siblings and grandparents.

OP, if you can’t afford the flights then you can’t afford them. There’s nothing you can do about it. Could you take the boys out for a special treat in the UK instead?

HungryandIknowit · 26/11/2022 09:42

Just offer for her and some family to come to yours after the communion in the UK. You don't need to make a big thing of her not organising something in the UK. She doesn't need to make a big deal out of you not being able to afford the larger gathering in your home country.

Dotcheck · 26/11/2022 09:44

Chomolungma · 26/11/2022 09:20

The church is so small that only parents are allowed inside? That can't be right??

OP, I would go to the service in the UK, give presents and go out to lunch with your sister afterwards. Don't go to the overseas celebration if you can't afford it.

⬆️⬆️

Schnooze · 26/11/2022 09:50

“We can’t afford it unless we spend the present money on flights. What do you want us to do?”
”We are not going to get into debt for this, sorry” Repeat repeat.
”come to ours for a celebration after the service”

Brefugee · 26/11/2022 09:54

i kind of get her point though, she travelled for your DC christening but you won't travel for her DC holy communion. She is miffed and i get that.

But you have to do what you have to do. Don't feed the family drama.

NoSquirrels · 26/11/2022 09:54

Would you be going ‘home’ at any time soon other than for this event?

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