Selfish dsister or shall i suck it up?

[AnxietyLevelMax]

AIBU to feel hurt she doesn’t understand?
Two important facts:
1.My DS(sister) and I are not from UK but live here for 15+ years.
2.Communion in my culture and for my family is extremely (extremely) important.

My nephews are having a communion in May and since all our family is living in different country, DS is planning to have a fancy lunch there for the family, but the mass will take place in UK as they can attend all of the meetings at church here etc etc.

I just found out she is not planning anything here for myself and my family (i am the godmother of one of the boys) and is expecting me to travel back to our country which is about £700 for my family just for the week (wont be able to stay longer due to work). I am already saving for the gifts as it is an expensive occasion and £400 is the minimum i wanted to spend on both boys.

i wont be able to save next year due to increase of our mortgage, childcare, bills, i just managed to pay off our credit card which i dont want to use now. We barely have any savings and starting to struggle at the moment.

i have mentioned all that but its turning into a family drama now and DS just threw in my face how she spent money last year to go back to our country for my son’s christening (she is his godmother) - true, travelling for xmass is expensive but she was planning to go anyway, also wanted to drive there not knowing the covid travel rules in all of the countries between, and ended up having to purchase last minute flight tickets - everyone advised her to purchase months before bc its too risky and too complicated to drive through few countries, when not all of the countries had same covid restrictions. She didnt want to listen.

I was always very generous auntie to her boys and I am very close with them, but really cant spend so much to go there. If i dont go it will turn into family drama which will affect other people and aspects of our family life which is completely different thread.

i am little hurt. Her lack of understanding my situation is putting a pressure on my family and we are already stretched.

You are their godmother so you go to the church and travel by yourself to the overseas country. Your DP can take care of the kids for a week.

i wouldn’t be doing all of that travel! I’d got the the first holy communion mass and then suggest going out for lunch afterwards. I also don’t see why you need to spend so much on gifts? You are turning a beautiful religious sacrament into something that’s all about money. My kids got small but meaningful gifts on FHC. It should be about the sacrament.

The whole it doesn't count her traveling for your child last year is a pretty flimsy argument. She's no more being selfish then you were then. Did you offer to host a UK celebration for her and her family to

The whole it doesn't count she traveled because she was going to travel anyway is a pretty flimsy argument. If she's being selfish now you were being selfish then, unless that is you spoke to your sister, made sure she was comfortable with traveling and offered her an at home in the UK celebration if she couldn't make it abroad. If you just expected her to be there you're being very unreasonable to expect her to behave in a more considerent way to you now then you did to her.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons she was going for christmas anyway. I couldnt do it here as i need both godparents for christening and my child’s godfather is not in uk. As mentioned - she was planning to go for christmas, we knew everyone will be there so we chose to do it on christmas. She spent a lot on flights as she had to book last minute, she wanted to drive with family despite knowing some countries had different travel rules due to covid and it wasnt as straightforward as it used to be before covid.

on the top of that everything turned out upside down last year for us and we got into debt, which she knows about, and she also knows we werent planning to go back to our country in 2023 in the peak time - summer and Christmas.

not sure when was i selfish?

she is using it as an excuse because she had to spend on last minute tickets and it was painful she knows it will be painful for me too but oh well…

thank you previous poster for an idea of going on my own. Its possible, 2 days just myself. Still considering if there is any other option.

the post is not about how much i am planning to spend on gifts. As i said - each country, each family has different traditions and I am not planning to be the one who breaks it against everyone. I was preparing for this for a while so wasnt stressed until now.

Is the gist of this that your sister is choosing to have an after-service celebration for this event in your home country rather than the UK and you're cross that she's not having an additional celebration here because it costs so much to go back home?

I think she wants to be around lots of her family and hopes you can make it there too. Go if you can. Don't if you can't. If you can't go, she can consider whether she wants to do something here too.

In terms of the £400 present - any supportive family would rather you didn't buy that rather than put yourself in debt. However, if you're too tied to tradition to be more flexible, perhaps you can consider buying something at a later date when it's more affordable?

Can you go for less than a week or just go yourself as godmother rather than bringing your whole family to keep the traveling costs down?

I didn't say you were selfish, I said her expectation of you is the same as your expectation of her was, therefore you're either both selfish or neither selfish. You don't know if she would have behaved differently in purchasing those expensive tickets if there hadn't been that expectation

What a load of total unnecessary drama, conflict and money. Typically what religion causes ay.

Religion eh? .... a force for peace and harmony?

Yep!