I didn't have a phone as new mum, but if I had

[Lookatbaby]

I KNOW I would have been distracted and looking at my phone all the time. I know this thread will be seen as controversial, judgemental. I emphasise I would have been a phone addict, but my kids were born before smartphones were a thing. I just feel as if I never see a parent with a young child who isn't looking at their phone.

YANBU: I worry babies and young children are not getting enough interaction.

YABU it's fine.

So glad when I had PND I could message people easily while I spent hours breastfeeding. It meant I could find groups to support me online when I was unwell and vulnerable. I could read my kindle on my phone during the long long nights of breastfeeding.

my mum was plenty distracted in the 80’s, not having phones didn’t magically make everyone present and involved.

100%

Can I check how many of the people who think you aren’t being unreasonable had children pre smartphones?

My hypothesis is that it’s quite a high percentage as it’s a perception not the reality. But I’m really interested to see how many with children post smart phone era also think you’re not being unreasonable. It’s difficult to tell from the poll alone.

I’m so glad I didn’t have a phone when mine were little ,I know for a fact how obsessed I can be checking for messages .

I saw a mum recently filming her little boy on a postman pat supermarket ride, looking around the shop as she did so, then lift him out and into the buggy, he tried to speak to her, not once was there any eye contact. I worry that this could have been me. I also saw a woman hold up a phone to a baby in a pram who was about 8 months or so. He giggled and threw himself from side to side while she filmed. Then she put the phone away and sat down out of his sight. It seemed as if he was conditioned to provide this footage of a happy baby. At no time in the next ten minutes did she look at him or speak to him. I was waiting outside a shop, so was she, in case this is seen as creepy. I think this generation will grow up without empathy.

I remember my parents ignoring me while reading a news paper.... Funny how it's possible to need a break from your kids and zone out once in a while. I guess you never ever experienced that OP and you were always 100% focus on a responsive to your kids? Never doing soemthing else, distracted, in a conversation?

I am actually in agreement phone addiction is a real issue in society. I just don't agree that it should be another stick to beat new mothers. I also don't agree it's necessarily an issue for someone to use their phone on occassion.

I am not shaming people. I have a concern. I think it is legitimate. I worry about it. I was distracted as a parent, I wanted to read all the time, but my kids needed attention and showed it so I couldn't. I would have been able to go on my phone though as it is easy to focus. My Mum was distracted too, by TV. But I also know there was plenty of eye contact,social interaction. If you are not neglecting your children, then I am not talking about you so no need to be defensive.

I made it clear that I was not using this as a stick for beating anyone. I would like to have a rational debate about the culture where we post things but we don't experience them and we accept and like these things from each other without looking at the faces of the children in them to see if they are actually enjoying things.
The worst thing I have seen is a video on Instagram where a man was holding his baby, looking at his phone and wearing a mask on the side of his head with a picture of a woman, for the baby to look at. The baby was eyeing it and trying to make eye contact, mystified. This was being liked by thousands of people.

I haven’t voted as to be completely honest I am 50/50 on your first post.

I have a 3 and a half year old and a 1 year old. At certain points throughout the day when I am out with them you may catch me looking at my phone. However, as others have said, this is just a snap shot of my day and does not show the hour prior to this running around a park laughing and playing with them, or the half hour morning puzzles we did together, or the story time in the afternoon, or the bath time and bedtime routine or the chats/cuddles/dancing/singing etc that happen every day throughout the day.

However I do agree to an extent that phones are a distraction and there have been times I have picked up my phone to read and reply to a message and had to consciously stop myself from starting to scroll through fb or something. I do think that sometimes it would be better if I just left my phone in another room and looked at it once the kids were in bed.

I don’t agree with your last post about kids today will grow up without empathy just down to people looking at their phones. Yes, of course there may be some instances of this, where some parents do use their phones too much and don’t have enough interaction with their children but I think the vast majority of people will be like myself and the small number of times they spend looking at their phone throughout the day will not have any significant impact on the children.

I dunno why you are so obsessed with the fact that you would have ignored your kids if you had a phone, and basically thank god you didn’t.
Stalking someone outside a shop for 10 mins really doesn’t give you an indication of their day.
Having a phone doesn’t make you a shit parent, parenting when your kids were young wasn’t automatically better because you only had a house phone.

. I would like to have a rational debate about the culture where we post things but we don't experience them and we accept and like these things from each other without looking at the faces of the children in them to see if they are actually enjoying things.
What does that have to do about phones? Have you never seen all the 80s and 90s pictures of kids crying at Santa and the parents still took a picture of the kid not enjoying something even though they didn’t have a phone then.

There are physically present parents who aren't mentally there with you, they are locked in on themselves in their own head and thoughts totally absent from the child in front of them.

There is a lot to be done on mobiles these days, they might be arranging a medical appointment, banking, looking at a map, replying to an important message or email.

Oh yes, one Did Not talk to DF for the 30 minutes after he got home from work as he hid behind his huge newspaper.
Phones just present the same old human behaviour in a different way.

I had Blackberries when my two were little so could do things like MN (which kept me sane through hundreds of night feeds) but they weren't quite as interactive or child friendly as smart phones. The attraction of a phone for me over a book is that the phone is easier to pick up/ put down around the needs if a child rather than re-reading the same page eleventy-billion times.

Not all phone use is vacuous.
OK a lot of mine is, but my DCs have also had a lot of my attention, have good social skills- even the autistic child has good enough social skills to allow him to mask and get through a mainstream life. Phones are important, functional tools.

Boundries matter but phones aren't automatically terrible and destroying a generation of children.

My mum didn't have a mobile phone but she would zone out a lot or ignore us for a magazine or the TV.
Anyway you don't know what the rest of the day is like with their child. It's normal for children to learn they are not the centre of the universe.

I had my DC in the days when they got 4 hourly feeds and spent the rest of the time sleeping, or in a bouncy chair, or lying on a play mat etc. I didn’t spend specific time “interacting” with them as it wasn’t seen as something that was needed. They turned out fine. Having a phone wouldn’t have made a difference I don’t think. Although I’d have lots more photos!

The only aspect where I will agree with you, is sometimes I do see parents and DCs out. DCs are trying to engage with parents, who are just glued to the screen. I do think that’s wrong. But then as phones became popular, we always made it a “rule” so to speak, that phones had no place in family time. So meals, days out, playing board games or whatever.

Yeah, dad hid behind broadsheet newspapers for hours! It's really not a new thing, op. Or would be busy watching the news on TV.

This was me. My babies were gorgeous and I tried really hard to interact but by fuck it was lonely and boring. There are only so many times you can feign enthusiasm for the same puddle being jumped into while you're crying inside for some adult company.

When I was a child in the 80s, the mums who weren't out at work sat indoors smoking and gossiping while the children ran around outside unsupervised, some of them very young. Was that better for the children? (Not really no). Better for the adults, certainly (well not their lungs!) as they had company.

You are using the example of a woman filming her baby and saying her baby is going to grow up devoid of empathy. From one snap shot of that woman's and that baby's lift. If anyone is lacking empathy, it's you. Along with selfawareness.

I would say, overall, parenting is better now than it was 15 years ago because people are generally more aware of the damage they can do.

Ive said YABU because while i get your point, i think you are underestimating how much life/home admin gets done on phones/apps these days. Not all the mums are mindlessly playing candy crush - some of the stuff being done is actually necessary for things to get done eg paying bills, moving money etc.

I'm a mum to a toddler, currently on my phone, while he is snuggled up next to me watching Paddington. We are recovering from a virus, been out all morning and he isn't napping for some reason today so this is our downtime before lunch.
I do have to make a conscious effort to not look at my phone too much throughout the day as so much of what I do is repetitive and a bit mind numbing and my phone is an escape for a minute. I don't think I would have used a book/mag in the same way pre smart phones.

As with anything there will be a spectrum of how people parent with phones, some will be glued to then at one end, others ban all screen time if their child is awake. I find most to be in the middle, screens are part of our lives now and I think most of us moderate it fairly well.

I put my phone away when with my toddler and always have when he's awake. If I need it for something I tell him what I'm doing (eg "mummy needs to see what time xx closes or speak with auntie name to make sure we're still seeing her"). It makes me very sad when parents ignore their children.

Do you never read a book, watched TV, nattered with a friend when your children were young?

I imagine some people used to ignore their children before smart phones, just as some people do now. But, overall I think that child rearing trends lean more towards being present nowadays though.

I know lots of my older relatives have commented (both positively and negatively) on how much more child focused parents of young children are today… not expecting children to be quiet whilst adults are chatting as often and accepting they might make noise in public, more child centred socialising/days out, leaving housework until later in order to play, not thinking too many hugs will ‘spoil’ a baby, more baby/toddler groups and activities, more understanding on the importance of playing together etc.

I am grateful that smartphones didn't exist when my DC were young

Like the OP I do wonder if smartphones reduce how much parents with very young children interact and chatter with babies/toddlers and whether it slows development of their comprehension and speech

It does make me a bit sad when you see Mums and Dads focusing on their phone and completely ignoring their DC

YABVU here! I too didnt have a mobile when DC were young .However I watched Neighbours and read the Newspaper as well! No one can possibly be one to one with baby all the while! Young mums are entitled to some me time you know

I agree with you op. I work with teenagers and some are so addicted to their phones. When you ask them where their parents are and what they're doing, the answer is always that they're on their phones constantly too.

OhYouSillySod · 25/11/2022 17:06
Personally I think new mums get bashed enough.. not really any need for a new topic to bash them about“

Yep. I used to be very judgey about this until someone wisely pointed out to me that I had no idea what they were looking at or what was going on in their lives.