To be uncomfortable about word "rape" being used out of context at work

[Fireyflies]

Male colleague, first time meeting him, used as a metaphor for something he felt strongly about - "The government is raping...." (ie underfunding, undervaluing) . He used it twice with emphasis I feel trying to make me uncomfortable. Or am I just being over sensitive?

I was always taught "rape means taking something that isn't yours to take" - this, from a v young aga as we loved near a massive graffittied protest with "M3- EARTH RAPE" as it's centrepiece.

So, it is a word that could be used in many conversations not related to sexual violence and offences but only you can know whether the intention here was to demonstrate a wide vocabulary, or to deliberately make you feel uncomfortable. The use of the word to mean something different to what it conjures up for you is not an automatic faux pas, but your gut may give you a sense of the motivation.

My response to hearing that word in the wrong context is this:

"(Insert name here that's usually belonging to a man) have you ever been raped?"

Most folks flinging it about carelessly, haven't, so whenever the response is mostly "no", I then say:

"Would you like me to tell you what it's like?"

The look of horror is usually enough for it to sink in that they should really not be using that word so flagrantly.

And he knew exactly what he was saying and doing it for shock value.
I’m 60FGS, well educated, and no bloke I’ve ever met face to face has come out with it in that sort of context. Academics on radio/Tv back in 60/70s yes. But I’ve not seen it or heard it in the media for years used in the context - because they know it is not really acceptable and becuase most people don’t know the word has an older meaning

it’s like using the word gay about someone who is jolly, happy or queer to mean someone doing something unusual or weird - and doing so without any intent around sexual orientations- language changes. Back in 60s plenty of people used gay and queer in the older context. The common uses take precedence over older uses and the older uses really don’t become acceptable any more.

I'm absolutely not about to email him to challenge him on it. Sorry. I'm new to the company and he's well established and well regarded. I've just found myself dwelling in the conversation and trying to figure out why it made me so uncomfortable. People on here are sometimes good at putting things into words that I can't myself.

It's lazy, and unnecessary and potentially offensive.

He could just have easily said something else

Tbh I find people who constantly police what others say as more offensive than someone using the word rape!

Perhaps he meant aberration?

Ok, understand…didn’t say his background
I’d personally treat it as a red flag when I’m interacting with him. He is at best pushing your boundaries to get a reaction, so he can be “smart” and mansplain it’s true meaning..at worst he’s a misogynist who likes making women feel uncomfortable.

but if he pulled a stunt like that again, once I had established my own reputation, I’d pull him up on quietly. If not go to my manager.

It can also mean to plunder or despoil.

A nice person wouldn't have said that in mixed company in a professional environment in front of women he didn't know. Setting aside correct use, it could be triggering. It also feels oddly aggressive, as if he's trying to lever emotional responses to rape of a women to emphasise his point. Not a good move.

words change ie gay several decades a gay christmas tree would mean decorated in lots of colourful baubles and a "she's such a gay girl" would be one always smiling and dancing around, we just don't use gay in that context anymore though technically it is a proper use of the word gay

Many words have multiple meanings. It's fairly obvious in this context that he's not talking about a foul-smelling yellow plant, and it's more than obvious to anyone whose head isn't in the sand which is the most common context in which that word is used.

It was predictable that so many posters would appear to tell you YOU are at fault, and that the problem is one of your limited understanding of the nuances of language. It's not. He's the problem. He knows what he's saying and why he's choosing that particular language: and you've got his measure.

How to deal with this one: remain calm, but challenge it every time.

'You might want to think of a different way to phrase that'.
'I'm not sure that's the right analogy for use in that particular context'.
'You could try toning down your use of language'.
'You're aware that your terminology could come across as being inappropriate'.

Every time. And fuck the noise so often coming through on these threads, about the poor, misunderstood little men who have no clue about the implications of their words or actions, and that if they did drop a clanger, the silly woman probably misinterpreted it. Who the hell do these people think they're trying to kid? Have a day off.

I wouldn't challenge him about it, because there's a power imbalance between him and OP. I would treat it as a red flag and take it into consideration from now on.

NB. I'd also suggest getting into none of that shizzle about 'I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, BUT ...'

Yes, he does. So clear, concise language is what's needed here. No explanations about abused women which so often gratify the kinds of men who push at this kind of boundary in the first place. Just a shot, concise phrase suggesting he rethinks what he's saying. No apologies, no explanations.

Just: 'I see, you, I hear you, I have your measure. Stop it'.

It's completely unacceptable of him to be using that word in that way. Let's not be pedantic- social and cultural meanings have more weight than dictionary definitions. As others have pointed out, there are a number of other words he could have used that don't have the same connotations nor the potential to trigger someone into remembering the worst experience of their life.

Given what you have said about being new, I wouldn't challenge in. But I feel your instincts are right, something is "off" about this person. I would treat as a valid warning signal this is a power player/ or gets off on making women uncomfortable. And use that information to minimise times when you are on your own with them. Very useful info when you are new to a company.

Thanks for this. I'm absolutely not going to challenge this one retrospectively but it's useful to think about ways to call someone out at the time, in a way that doesn't make a huge deal about it, but also sets out clearly that it's not ok, if it happens again. I'm likely to have to work quite a bit with this man, unfortunately.

Do you think they meant aberration?

As in the novel Rape of the Fair Country by Alexander Cordell.

Strictly speasking the word isnt incorrect, but it's not an appropriate word to be using in that context. There are lots of synonyms that would have done the job.

Funnily enough, I have never heard a woman use the word in that way, only men.

I agree. This man is no friend to women.

Words have meanings, and the choosing of words to convey our meaning also conveys information about the speaker.
In this instance the man may be completely oblivious to the fact that some women might find this word difficult to hear, or he could be someone who purposely chooses this word because of the effect it could have.
Whatever the reason, I would not comment on the use of the word. I don't believe that people should police other people's language, and therefore I would use what I have learnt about the person, and leave it at that.
I agree that language changes, but I think that it happens naturally over time. I am sure there are people of an older generation who will still use gay in its original sense, and that is fine. I accept that as these people die off, so will the this type of use, but we should wait until this happens. We shouldn't keep telling people to change language ever 5 minutes, it's ridiculous.

This.

It's not commonly used in that connect in today's language, and I'd imagine anyone who DOES use it in that way has other undesirable qualities too,

It doesn’t matter how grammatically accurate the word was, he should be aware it’s not always appropriate to use it when there are loads of other ways to make his point.

My exdh used to say that our dd was in a coma when sleeping soundly. We had 'words' over that, as I hated it.