To not want a curfew

[LisaVanderpump1]

I don’t go out late very often; once or twice a month. But when I do, my boyfriend always gets ticked off and says I’m being inconsiderate.

He’s a light sleeper and says he can’t go to bed before I get home because he’ll wake up and not be able to get back to sleep. (He’s neurotic in a few ways, and he’s v. precious about his sleep.) Also, my dog gets a bit excited when either of us come in, and he says this would disturb him even if the bit of noise from me coming in doesn’t (fair). Note: he has no safety concerns for me - this is 100% about me disturbing his sleep.

I’m currently 5 mins from home and he’s pissed off and says it’s too late and I’m being inconsiderate (I’ve been at a friend’s, and it’s taken me 1 hr+ to get home.)

I don’t feel it’s that late, especially given that it’s Friday tomorrow and I don’t do this often. He often doesn’t go to bed until about 1am, even if we’re both at home, so I don’t get the big deal.

I never had a curfew as a kid, and I don’t want one now that I’m an adult - especially from my boyfriend. And I have no desire for him to be home for a certain time even though him coming in disturbs me a little - I just see it as being not that often and not a big deal. So who is being unreasonable here?

He has a problem with sleep. He needs to sort his issue with sleep, instead of trying to get other people to modify their behaviour.

I get it, I sleep rubbish as well. And although I can't really articulate why, I find it really difficult to sleep when my husband is out, as I know I'm going to be woken up when he gets in. And it's not about trying to control him, I am fine with him going out and dont have any issues when I know he is staying in a hotel. But I'd never ask him to come home early. The only time when I might be annoyed is if one of the kids had been up in the night, and so I'd already slept badly and then he woke me up or something (as if he was going out I know I'd be the one getting up early with them).

It's ok to tell you that you sre disturbing your sleep and it's ok to try and find a solution together (eg you sleep in the spare room) but it's not ok for his solution to be a curfew.

Also not sure if you want kids but how would he cope with night wakes etc?

I never said anything about seeing friends. Being in a relationship means that you take the other person's feelings into consideration.

Being considerate may be an alien concept to you, but its not to most couples.

You would annoy me too op especially on a work night. Is there a spare room you could go to if you're going to be that late in?
I can't get to sleep knowing that I'm going to get woken up soon after.

He's not saying her getting into bed is disturbing him, but her entering the house and the dog getting excited so I don't think the spare room is a solution here

Once a fortnight on a work night is often BUT that doesn't mean he gets to control you.

Good test of whether it's genuinely about the sleep, next time sleep over your mates. If he trusts you and doesn't are about you being out per se, he will be thrilled you're crashing at your mates house. If he still has an issue...

What's the big deal with sleeping a bit longer on Saturday, given that you woke him up? He doesn't work weekends, right? He's being oversensitive. Can't he buy earplugs and eye mask, so he won't hear you and light won't wake him up? I'm a light sleeper too, but world doesn't revolve around me.

🤣
Yeh, I’d say this about sums it up.

Yes, being considerate for your partner’s need to socialise and have the odd night out is very important.

ugh i hate this shit tbh!

my husband was out late last night - was having a rough time with teething toddler while he was out - when she was finally asleep and i was getting into bed - I text him and asked him to be mindful to be very quiet coming in and could he sleep on sofa bed so i wouldn't be disturbed - & i left his pjs in the living room !

surely that's a better solution to me texting him and saying ugh its too late for you to be out, poor me etc!!

I think he does sound a bit controlling.

I am a v light sleeper and have a hard time getting back to sleep once woken. I probably wouldn't sleep until I knew everyone was home either. However, I am not controlling and these things are all my problem, so I would never dream of attempting to dictate when people should come home.

I would not consider having a baby with someone very precious about sleep. Or who tried to control me. Is this the partner for you?

Thanks for all your thoughts. I always come in v. quietly, quickly calm the dog down, and get straight into bed in the spare room - I don't even take off my make-up (the real crime here!) to avoid wandering around and making noise in the bathroom. So I do my absolute best to be considerate. This also isn't happening on a Monday night - the earliest in the week I would stay out this late would be a Thursday.

Funnily, if I get up with the dog in the night, he won't be disturbed and if he gets up to use the loo, he'll manage to get back to sleep quickly, so I think this is more of a psychological block than anything else.

Is he controlling in other ways? It's not the word I would necessarily use, but he does like a lot of things "his way", so I guess it's tomato/tomato.

He’s being a knob. Unless you are rolling in pissed at 3am every week when he has to get up for work at 6 YANBU. Suggest he invests in some noise cancelling headphones if he’s such a light sleeper and you’ll do what you want.

I’d suggest you stay out as late as you want if you are both off the following day as you can catch up with sleep then.

However I’d be a bit annoyed if you kept going out on weeknights and waking me up when I have work in the morning.

Especially if I needed to have my head in the game, like a lorry driver or a surgeon or something. They need to be rested or people can die if they fall asleep at the wheel or arse up surgery.

But knock yourself out at the weekend and stay the night with pals or come in at 5am would be fine by me. One night. Friday or Saturday.

Try that and see if his lordship is still grumpy. There has to be come and go in all things.

He’s just trying to make you so fearful of the ‘trouble’ you’d be in that you stop bothering to go out at all.

I don't think this has anything to do with you disturbing his sleep..

Why should she though @Elieza shes an adult and wants to go out on a Thursday then she can! I am not getting why she should have to compromise here.

Well I certainly wouldn’t have kids with him if he’s so precious about his sleep.

So as we can see, the OP is indeed being very considerate on the occasions she goes out with friends and comes in a bit later.

Why don’t you describe for us what ‘being considerate’ means, and why you think the OP should be single instead?