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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you go back to work?

40 replies

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 20:01

Currently on maternity leave with 9 month old dd. From the start she has been quite a clingy, fussy baby with a few health problems. Asthma, allergies, skin issues, quite highly strung in comparison to my two other dc who are primary and senior school age and from another relationship.

I'm due back at work in March and unlike with previous dc I really don't want to go back this time. I've secured dd a nursery place for 3 days but I just don't think she will settle or be happy there. I could be wrong, it might be the making of her but I don't think so. I'm also worried about her health issues - will she get the standard of care she needs? Logically I know she will and they deal with allergy kids all the time but in my heart I just want to look after her myself.

I have always worked. I don't have a 'career' and it's not a skilled job. It's a job that I could be replaced in easily. Dh earns 50k plus in comparison to my 15k and we have some savings so financially we would be ok but I wouldn't feel happy not working forever. I would eventually have to go back. When she starts pre school or actual school I guess.

I'm planning on giving it a trial run but if it becomes too much or dd is too unsettled at childcare I am thinking about just quitting. I feel guilty even considering it because I have never not worked, I also feel guilty thinking about stretching myself too thin for my baby and other dc over a job I don't give a shit about.

I suppose I just wondered about other peoples experiences. I had genuinely always planned on going back but it's just the type of baby she is and the way I feel now...I couldn't have predicted it. Has this happened to anyone else? I was thinking of anything I could do from home that might help too. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Nancienoo · 24/11/2022 20:03

I’m in the same position not a skilled job so decided to take some time out as the job I do will always be there, like you my dd is quite clingy

Teakind · 24/11/2022 20:06

I’d take some time out and find something new when you’re ready.

Original poster

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 20:08

I really want to, I guess I'm just a bit nervous, I've done this (shit) job for 10 years and don't know what else I'd do after.

OP posts:

FLOWER1982 · 24/11/2022 20:08

I think everyone feels like that during maternity leave. No one wants to leave their baby.

personally for me, no I couldn’t be a full time stay at home mum. I took 14 months Mat leave and I was looking forward to going back. I missed the money and the social aspect of work and using my brain and being me again. It made me appreciate my time ‘off’ so much more. I think I read somewhere there’s an optimum amount of time to have off , anymore and it’s not really enjoyable as such. I need the routine and with todays climate do you want to give up a job, paying into your pension etc. do you have a mortgage? Can you make overpayments on that if you don’t need the money? If not and you rent can you put the money to save for a deposit ?

babies are lovely but they do grow up into toddlers (which are exhausting) and then it’s nice to go to work!

chikp · 24/11/2022 20:10

If your DH died or left you would you be able to get a job quickly to support yourself?

Hankunamatata · 24/11/2022 20:11

15k for year for 3 days away week doesn't sound like a crap job.

Original poster

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 20:12

Hankunamatata · 24/11/2022 20:11

15k for year for 3 days away week doesn't sound like a crap job.

I work 5 days but my family are helping the other days to save us a bit of money.

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 24/11/2022 20:15

My dd is 14months old. She is my 3rd child and I felt exactly as you do. I'm lucky in that I work Saturdays and dh has compressed his working hours so the weekday I work he has her. If he had not been able to compress his hours I wouldn't have gone back. Mine has been clingy from the start, no significant health issues but I've really savoured this maternity leave and I do not want to be apart from her. I've got a long commute which means I don't see her on the days I work or for an hour at best and I decided that wasn't OK. I spoke to my dh about how I was feeling and we came to the conclusion that I should hand in my notice. I have no intention of stopping work altogether, like you I've always worked and I don't want to give my career up completely. I've decided to locum instead which means I will be able to pick and choose my shifts and I intend (as much as possible) to stick to the surrounding towns.

You're not wrong to feel the way that you do. She most likely will settle in. As long as you have open communication with the nursery and they are aware of her health issues I'm sure she will be fine. If you have concerns, would you consider a childminder? I'd say any decision has to be one that you make with your dh, especially as he will be the one to shoulder the finances for you all. Have you talked about it?

superdupernova · 24/11/2022 20:16

Would the one income cover all your outgoing or would you need to dip into savings? How does your DH feel about it? Would you have enough savings to weather any storms?

Personally, I would find the pressure of being the only earner difficult. Even if my spouse earned significantly less, it would be reassuring to know that if I lost my job tomorrow there would still be some money coming in. Then again, if I had 6 months of outgoings saved and knew they were always there as a backup only for loss of job, I'd be able to handle it. If I was sole earner and the savings were constantly being used and then being topped up it would be much harder.

swirlypinky · 24/11/2022 20:28

You're talking yourself into quitting work. You're asking people to agree with you

Your baby will be fine at nursery

username8888 · 24/11/2022 20:29

Use the time to looking to upskill yourself and find a job you really like. Meanwhile enjoy ourself

swirlypinky · 24/11/2022 20:29

Your husband cant surely support five
People
On £50k salary

Original poster

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 20:31

Without going into detail I have a significant chunk of money from house sale with my ex many years ago. It's not something I like to dip into too much but it's there and would help me get by for at least a year. Dh is main breadwinner, this money is set aside. We've talked and he is supportive of my choice but I know myself that I won't feel great about having no income at all coming in and I'm nervous about what I'd do next.

OP posts:

sneezingpandamum · 24/11/2022 20:32

Not wishing to sound funny but have you talked to your partner about this? Im a single parent of 3 kids and I earn £70k and it doesn't go far in supporting a family in this economy....

Also 2 of your 3 children aren't his....don't you have a duty to work to pay for them since he has no obligation to? If I was him I wouldn't be happy about taking on all of the financial burden, stress and worry given the cost of living

2pinkginsplease · 24/11/2022 20:34

I knew I wanted to stay at home, so we didn’t stretch ourselves with our mortgage or outgoings to enable me to stop working,. I worked in retail management and had my maternity leave off and then got an evening job in a bar/restaurant and it meant dh was home the 2/3 evenings I worked. Was perfect for us, it’s only now 18 years down the line I’ve went back to college and qualified in a new job which I’m loving.

do what’s best for your family.

Original poster

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 20:36

sneezingpandamum · 24/11/2022 20:32

Not wishing to sound funny but have you talked to your partner about this? Im a single parent of 3 kids and I earn £70k and it doesn't go far in supporting a family in this economy....

Luckily he doesn't see it like this. We are a family. Their dad does pay a very reasonable about of child support and ask I said I have always worked too so it's never been an issue. If older dc ever needed anything specific it would be me or their dad footing the bill but dh has no qualms about paying household costs.

OP posts:

LaughingCat · 24/11/2022 20:53

I would take the time. Go with your gut instinct and see if there’s something you’d maybe like to retrain into. My mum did it with my brother…she loved her corporate job but just knew when she gave birth that she didn’t want to go back. She took a couple of years out and realised she loved doing aerobics and callisthenics (ooohhhh…the Nineties!) and ended up getting qualified as an aerobics type teacher. Kept training and eventually ended up running her own Body Control Pilates studio. If you’d have said to her when she was a procurement bod for some global mail order company thirty years ago, what she would end up doing and loving…she probably would have sprayed her g&t in laughter. You don’t care about your job, you’ve got a bit of money put away, your partner is supportive…when, if not now? This is the time.

Autumnalleavestime · 24/11/2022 20:57

Is it really your babies fault, or do you just not fancy it. I think being honest on that is important. Don’t make it her fault if it’s not.

Dacadactyl · 24/11/2022 21:01

chikp · 24/11/2022 20:10

If your DH died or left you would you be able to get a job quickly to support yourself?

Get critical illness and life insurance to deal with the former.

Dacadactyl · 24/11/2022 21:02

And no, I wouldn't work if I didn't have to with pre-school aged children

Original poster

blackcat26 · 24/11/2022 21:09

Autumnalleavestime · 24/11/2022 20:57

Is it really your babies fault, or do you just not fancy it. I think being honest on that is important. Don’t make it her fault if it’s not.

I wouldn't say it's her fault but if she'd been a more relaxed baby like my older two I don't think I'd be feeling this way.

OP posts:

MyTabbyCats · 24/11/2022 21:12

I’d delay returning to work until I had to for the money or when dd started school.,

Prizelighter · 24/11/2022 21:21

Don't agonise over it. If you can afford it, your partner is happy with it and it's what you want to do, it's fine.

Lots of people are totally against the idea of not working and there are very good reasons for that, obviously. But it's your life, you can assess what you can afford/insure against and what you want to do.

I stopped work after a 20 year career when my baby was born. We discussed it, planned for it and I'm so happy I did. I love having these years before he goes to school and I go back to work. But, equally, I'd have carried on working if I had to. If you have a choice you're very lucky and you should decide based on what is right for you and your family.

QuiltedHippo · 24/11/2022 21:51

My clingy baby with health issues really turned a corner at 13 months when I went back, settled like a dream. However the health stuff is always a concern, we had a cock up last week when they grabbed someone else's dinner, I don't blame nursery but it could have been much worse.

If I didn't have a career job I may well have had the same thoughts as you. Assuming similar work would be easy to find you could give yourself another 6 months (with all the usual caveats about protecting yourself financially)

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/11/2022 22:24

It sounds like you're conflating two issues here: one is the fact that your DD is clingy, fussy and has allergies, the second is your not wanting to go back to work.

I think most people feel reluctant to go back to work when they have a baby and are approaching the end of their mat leave and tbh there's always a reason why you could talk yourself out of it. Allergies, asthma and fussiness are challenges and difficult to deal with but they are manageable ones and not a reason to stop work in my view.

I think you would be unwise to stop work for too long. Your job may be relatively low paid but its a job you can do and which you can use to support yourself with if the worst came to the worst or to build on if you wanted to seek a new career. Don't put yourself in a position of having to rely on someone else financially.

Can you not just delay going back by a few months?

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