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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think school should have handled this?

47 replies

PleaseTakeItOff · 24/11/2022 18:10

Dc’s school today had (yet another) parents afternoon where parents could go in and help children to make some prop items and costumes for their assembly that they’re doing tomorrow. Today it was from 1.30 and assembly tomorrow is from 2.30. I can’t take two afternoons off work so I asked dc which one he’d like me to come to and he said tomorrow. I reminded him about it this morning and that I’d spoken to his best mate’s mum who was going in and she’d help him make his costume. Dc seemed happy with this.

This is my dc2 and although there were a similar amount of parents afternoons for dc1 lots of the mums of kids in his class seemed to work. With dc2 lots of the mums are on maternity and several are SAHM and it seems like I’m the only one that works full time in an office. That means it’s very often only my dc in the whole class that has no one at these afternoons although all the mums are lovely and they always make sure to have a fuss and include him.

At 1.40 I receive a call from the school to ask me when I’ll expect to be there as they’re all waiting to start. I say that I won’t be coming due to work but that Xs mum has said she’d help out with making the costume and asked if I was supposed to RSVP if I couldn’t make it. Receptionist seemed confused as she was under the assumption every parent would be coming but not to worry etc. At 1.50 I get a call to say dc is very upset and was there any way that I could make it at all. I repeat that I can’t make it but feel awful for dc and a bit embarrassed as I was clearly having personal calls when I should have been working. At 2.05 they ring again with my son on the phone sobbing and asking me if I could speak to him. I reminded him that I’d be there tomorrow, there was only another hour of school etc and he seemed to calm down. At pick up he was completely fine.

AIBU to think this was shit of the school? I said I couldn’t come. I would have loved to have been able to but I don’t know what they wanted me to do about it. I was really embarrassed having to obviously take 3 calls that I shouldn’t have been taking (I’m only allowed my phone for emergencies) and I’m almost certainly now going to have a lecture tomorrow about it when I get in.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/11/2022 18:13

That’s awful and I would complain to the school. Massively inappropriate. I would be furious.

It’s one thing to schedule stuff during office hours: schools can’t really avoid that. But they must realise that some parents have jobs. And they must have some approach to dealing with the situation.

PenOrPencil · 24/11/2022 18:14

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour from the school! Have a polite word with them and ask them not to be such twats. Maybe use more polite words than this.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/11/2022 18:16

Well if it was one of the teachers dc in another school they wouldn't have been able to make it either. It's very unfair of the teachers not to be aware that parents will be working and should have been able to distract your dc. Calling you like that is not on and l am a teacher.
Maybe next time send in a note saying unfortunately you are working and will not be attending. They should respect that.

Tiani4 · 24/11/2022 18:17

Massively inappropriate of school to do this
And discriminatory to working mums

I'd complain to head teacher and ask that they ensure working parents (it's always the mums they ring!) are never treated like this again nor DC upset like this.

It is not compulsory for parents to attend activities at school and ridiculous they are pressurising working parents to do so

Tiani4 · 24/11/2022 18:18

You shouldn't have to send in a note saying you cannot attend
It's not mandatory and frankly many busy working parents might not have had time to even read that this was "a thing"
Got enough to do without school inventing unnecessary extra jobs for parents

RhondaD · 24/11/2022 18:19

It sounds like the message wasn't passed to the school that you weren't going to be there today. Is it possible he may have given them the wrong information?

MontyK · 24/11/2022 18:19

This annoys me so much. There are far too many events that working parents feel obligated to go to because you don't want your child to be the only one without a parent there.

I would have strong words with the school over this though. They put you in an uncomfortable situation whilst at work also having to deal with the guilt of your child crying. Idiots.

Hellocatshome · 24/11/2022 18:19

That is rediculous and to be honest sounds like they used your DS to try to guilt you into coming. He was perfectly happy knowing you weren't coming and his friends Mum was helping him until he got to school. I would be very annoyed, I couldn't go to lots of things when DSs were little but the teachers always made a spe ial fuss of those without parents there and the parents that did go always helped them as well.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 24/11/2022 18:25

It is completely appalling that they had your son on the phone. Like, seriously, absolutely not. Im never ever one for "going in all guns blazing" but whoever put your son on the phone needs some serious training.

mnahmnah · 24/11/2022 18:26

Schools like this baffle me. Why do they think parents don’t work? Or can just leave work whenever they want?

Luckily my DC school isn’t like this at all. The only things that are ever in school time are the Christmas performances. The summer and Christmas fairs are straight after school, but go on until 6.00 so we can make them.

twelly · 24/11/2022 18:29

I think the school behaved appallingly - as a working parent you cannot be there for activities, the very fact that they almost expect parents to attend send out the wrong message.

MelchiorsMistress · 24/11/2022 18:32

It sounds like they were genuinely expecting you to come when you weren’t, whether that was because of their lack of communication or your doesn’t really matter. They did a nice thing by waiting for you and calling you to check. They aren’t mind readers, and children often say something different to what their parent has told them that morning.

As for the calls when your ds was upset, well if my child had been inconsolably upset to the point that they couldn’t calm him down, I’d be pissed off if they hadn’t called me. Lots of parents would expect a call if their child was very upset about anything, so I don’t think they were wrong to call them either. When they got your son to talk to you, they were clearly just doing what they thought was best at the time. Maybe he was refusing to believe that you weren’t coming and they needed him to hear it from you.

I get that it makes things awkward at work, but your job isn’t a concern for the school, whereas your very upset child is. Schools should be able to access parents when they need to.

Fleabigg · 24/11/2022 18:34

This is ludicrous of the school, the expectation that every single parent can attend during the day is unreasonable. And if they hadn’t received confirmation you were coming they should have of course assumed you weren’t.

MelchiorsMistress · 24/11/2022 18:35

I'd complain to head teacher and ask that they ensure working parents (it's always the mums they ring!) are never treated like this again nor DC upset like this

Wow, you mean that there’s a way head teachers can prevent children from ever becoming upset like this after they’ve had a complaint? That’s amazing, please share whatever magic trick it is you would use.

nozbottheblue · 24/11/2022 18:37

It's not that they expect parents to attend, it appears they expect MOTHERS to attend. Did any fathers get rung up and get given the third degree about why they weren't there?
Is this a private school or a religious school, OP? It sounds so unlikely that any school I have been associated with both as a primary school teacher and as a parent would contemplate doing anything like this that I can't comprehend it.
Definitely need a meeting with the head to list in detail the many things that were wrong about this.
I hope your DC was ok and that you both enjoyed you being there the next day.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 24/11/2022 18:38

I get that it makes things awkward at work, but your job isn’t a concern for the school, whereas your very upset child is. Schools should be able to access parents when they need to.

Bollocks. The only reason her DC was upset was the unreasonable expectation that all parents would be able to make an event in the middle of the day.

Beees · 24/11/2022 18:40

Absolutely fucking shocking behaviour.

I bet they didn't call his dad and emotionally blackmail him did they...

Fleabigg · 24/11/2022 18:41

MelchiorsMistress · 24/11/2022 18:35

I'd complain to head teacher and ask that they ensure working parents (it's always the mums they ring!) are never treated like this again nor DC upset like this

How about the magic trick of not assuming the OP was coming therefore raising her DC’s expectations and then embarrassing them by making everyone wait for their parent who wasn’t coming? Sounds pretty easy for the school to achieve.

Seashor · 24/11/2022 18:41

Absolute nonsense. I don’t believe you. As if that happened!

Katapolts · 24/11/2022 18:44

Awful behaviour from the school and I would email them about it - remind them that if they hold events during the work day they need to realise not all parents can attend and they should be managing children's expectations not winding them up and making phonecalls to parents!

EarringsandLipstick · 24/11/2022 18:44

I'm finding this really hard to believe ...

Badhairday101 · 24/11/2022 18:48

That’s ridiculous. I’m a teacher and could never attend my own kids things in the school day. Surely as teachers they must realise that lots of jobs don’t just allow you to nip out for the afternoon to help at school. I’d definitely say something. It’s really not fair on the kids whose parents can’t attend. Surely it would be better to ask for a few helpers on the costume making day and invite all parents for the assembly.

chickidychick · 24/11/2022 18:51

How ridiculous. Is the other parent in the picture? If so did they call them too?

MelchiorsMistress · 24/11/2022 18:51

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 24/11/2022 18:38

I get that it makes things awkward at work, but your job isn’t a concern for the school, whereas your very upset child is. Schools should be able to access parents when they need to.

Bollocks. The only reason her DC was upset was the unreasonable expectation that all parents would be able to make an event in the middle of the day.

It is not unreasonable for schools to invite parents into school to do things. It might be a pain in the arse for some parents, but it’s also something that many other parents want. Evidenced by OP saying that she was in a tiny minority of one by not going. Inviting parents into school so that they can engage with their child’s leaning and classroom environment is also something that OFSTED like.

Schools are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

Smartiepants79 · 24/11/2022 18:51

That is very badly handled. What were they thinking allowing him on the phone to you!!
Also very strange to have assumed that everyone would be coming.!
I’m a teacher and a parent. I’d asking for a word and an apology.
Can’t believe that any school would do this, weird.

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