To think school should have handled this?

[PleaseTakeItOff]

Dc’s school today had (yet another) parents afternoon where parents could go in and help children to make some prop items and costumes for their assembly that they’re doing tomorrow. Today it was from 1.30 and assembly tomorrow is from 2.30. I can’t take two afternoons off work so I asked dc which one he’d like me to come to and he said tomorrow. I reminded him about it this morning and that I’d spoken to his best mate’s mum who was going in and she’d help him make his costume. Dc seemed happy with this.

This is my dc2 and although there were a similar amount of parents afternoons for dc1 lots of the mums of kids in his class seemed to work. With dc2 lots of the mums are on maternity and several are SAHM and it seems like I’m the only one that works full time in an office. That means it’s very often only my dc in the whole class that has no one at these afternoons although all the mums are lovely and they always make sure to have a fuss and include him.

At 1.40 I receive a call from the school to ask me when I’ll expect to be there as they’re all waiting to start. I say that I won’t be coming due to work but that Xs mum has said she’d help out with making the costume and asked if I was supposed to RSVP if I couldn’t make it. Receptionist seemed confused as she was under the assumption every parent would be coming but not to worry etc. At 1.50 I get a call to say dc is very upset and was there any way that I could make it at all. I repeat that I can’t make it but feel awful for dc and a bit embarrassed as I was clearly having personal calls when I should have been working. At 2.05 they ring again with my son on the phone sobbing and asking me if I could speak to him. I reminded him that I’d be there tomorrow, there was only another hour of school etc and he seemed to calm down. At pick up he was completely fine.

AIBU to think this was shit of the school? I said I couldn’t come. I would have loved to have been able to but I don’t know what they wanted me to do about it. I was really embarrassed having to obviously take 3 calls that I shouldn’t have been taking (I’m only allowed my phone for emergencies) and I’m almost certainly now going to have a lecture tomorrow about it when I get in.

Literally no one has said they’re unreasonable to invite parents in. They are highly unreasonable to expect or assume attendance.

What if your ds's teacher had kids at another school. What if they had a parents afternoon and phoned the school to tell ds's teacher that her child was in tears because she hadn't shown up and could she please come? Would the school really be fine with that? Really just let her go off and leave her class so she could attend? I don't think so! The school are being ridiculous in phoning you, they should have kindly reassured DS and encouraged him to work with his friend and their mum.

I get that it makes things awkward at work, but your job isn’t a concern for the school, whereas your very upset child is. Schools should be able to access parents when they need to.

Let me rephrase that for you. You mean “schools should be able to access mothers when they need to”. Does your OH get called at work by your DCs school? Thought not. Your job may not be concern for the school but it sure as hell is for your child.

Also “need” is not the operative word here. If schools seriously expect all parents to book leave for preparatory craft sessions they have wildly unrealistic expectations.

Another teacher parent here. I have almost never been able to make any if these events and if it was ever questioned (by the school) I would ask if they would be happy for their staff to be regularly missing afternoons to attend their children's events.

No I don't either. The bit about the child sobbing on the phone sealed the deal for me

I don't know of any school that would have rung you once, let alone 3 times because you didn't show up to a parents' afternoon...

I dunno I've had DDs school call me twice because she didnt fancy anything on the lunch menu so could I just pop down with a packed lunch 🙄 yeah sure work wont mind that

How bizarre-I’ve never taught in a school that would have done this! It seems very odd that they were all sitting there waiting for you. It also seems odd that parents were making props and costumes with the children there. So they had 30 children and 29 parents all in a classroom making props for an afternoon? I can’t imagine what that would look like!

We used to have parent mornings where volunteers do cutting/sticking/prepping art stuff in a spare room, but not with the children-it’s just whoever fancied coming to have a chat and do some classroom jobs.

Wow, you mean that there’s a way head teachers can prevent children from ever becoming upset like this after they’ve had a complaint? That’s amazing, please share whatever magic trick it is you would use.

If the school is organising events that single out one child and causes them to be upset, then obviously you rethink how that event is organised. Do it in the evening, for example, when it's less likely that both parents are at work.

And of course, teachers and headteachers are typically very skilled at distracting children or re-framing things to avoid a child getting so upset they have to call a parent to leave work and come to school.

Do you mean the evenings when teachers aren't at work?

Outrageous. I'm so sorry that must have been very upsetting for you.

Why didn't his best friends mum tell them you weren't coming when they were waiting?

I would tell the school to call only in an emergency that is just stupid

Bizarre and inappropriate even before the phone calls.

Did the school repeatedly ring your son's dad too?

Just absolutely crazy behaviour. I'd be very annoyed to be honest.

This is so completely inappropriate it is hard to believe it happened!

I’ve checked the original message and there’s nothing on there that suggests you have to inform the school you won’t be going. I’d told ds so he knew I wasn’t coming until they seem to have got his hopes up by saying they couldn’t start until I got there.

It’s a CofE school but they’re not very religious at all, neither are we. It’s the only one local so that’s why we go. Ds1 is in ye6 and has been there since reception and I’ve never once had a call asking me why I wasn’t at events. Ds2 is yr1 and it just happens that all the other mum’s seem to be able to make it all the time so it stands out more, I guess.

Oh bugger, I thought I was doing quote replies but I wasn’t and now I can’t remember who I was replying to.

I like the school inviting parents to stuff and I’m in no way annoyed with them for doing this. I think they invite the parents to too much stuff - there’s two this week, children in need last week and a Halloween thing just before half term.

I do massively object to them assuming that I can attend when they know that I work in an office, getting my child’s hopes up that I could come despite my having already told him I couldn’t and putting him on the phone to me so that I can explain why I’m not there.

My question is did they phone his dad three times and give him a guilt trip? No? Thought not. Why are mums always the ones to be made to feel like crap when they don't go to these things?

It's not that teachers can stop children ever being upset. But school are in loco parentis and should have been easily able to deal with an upset child without emotionally guilting a mother who has already said she couldn't come.

As soon as OP wasn't there they could have just said breezily "oh well maybe she'll be along later, why don't you come and work with so and so for now." And when she didn't turn up, just continue to distract the child and involve them in the activity rather than dwelling on the fact his mum wasn't there, encouraging him to think she should be. They MUST be used to working parents not being able to attend daytime events. OP is far from the first working parent in history!

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour by the school and I would definitely complain.

If a parent is at work, calling them because a child is upset doesn't help anyone. Unless they need to be collected to seek medical attention, a working parent is not going to be able to help the situation from a distance and school staff should be very very used to diffusing a situation like this.

Do you mean the evenings when teachers aren't at work?

@funtycucker

If it's an event that requires all parents to attend, surely it needs to be sorted in directed time.

But yeah, that was just one possible solution to offer the poster that felt that schools have no possible way of avoiding a child becoming so upset that they have to call parents.