AIBU to think my brother in law is like something off single white female??!

[Bievblac]

So this all started the moment I met my partner. His older brother as a massive drink problem which the family ignore. They are all about image so everything is covered up, including affairs, drug misuse, unhappy marriages. Mine are the opposite- a complete mess but everything is open.
My BIL has hated me from the beginning. I was a hard working single mum with my own financial means and he assumed I was after my partner for financial reasons. He openly excludes me from things, threatens my partner that he won’t be invited to things if he carries on the relationship. This is going to make me sound weird but even updates his profile picture with a partner who openly cheats on him every time my partner puts a post up 😬

there are so many other things I could list but it came to ahead a few months ago. He basically did a speech in front of family gushing about me when 5 minutes before he’d spoken to me like utter shit. I am due to get married in two weeks but it’s putting me off going through with things as my partner is too frightened to upset his big bro even though he recognises he needs help.

oh and every time we go on a date… he calls us at least 20 times!!! Help!!!

You’re about to marry someone who is too scared to defend you from/to a bully? Nothing will change. Are you sure this is what you want?

These are my thoughts exactly. I don’t know why I thought this would be ok and now I just feel like an absolute idiot as I should have finished this years ago and said I can’t go through with the wedding. I am having serious doubts. He’s a good person my partner but it’s like he’s in a cult

Wow - how bizarre!

He sounds like a complete fuck-up - is he secretly in love with you? Either that or he has massively insecure/jealous feelings towards his brother.

Im sorry but I wouldn’t marry your dp if he won’t even stand up to this bully - he should be telling him if there’s any more antics he won’t be seeing either of you ever again and sticking to it. If him and his family won’t stand up to this crackpot you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery IMO.

There is no way on this earth that I would marry him. No way.

How does he know when you're on a date?

Sounds grim btw. I'd marry him but I'd want to be very low contact with bil and I'd want to be really clear about needing support, keeping everything open and honest in our new little family and maybe even a bit of pre-wedding couples therapy.

He really does need help. To add to this, I feel like the reason he won’t defend me or just put a few boundaries in place is the whole family… including others who have married into it are only interested in inheritance. If there are any talkings out- it’s hushed hushed incase the dad dissaproves. My partner isn’t so arsed about inheritance but he can’t stand upsetting his mother who almost died a few years ago. His family are wealthy. They aren’t the most attractive people and certainly don’t have amazing personalities (trust me- I’ve been in enough of there company to see they are absolute dry shores) but I fell in love with my partner purely because he has a good heart and I got on with him on an intellectual level. I feel like if this was me… I’d tell them to ram the inheritance up their arses and if I was his sibling I’d be thinking the same and upsetting the apple cart based on what’s right and fair.

I mean dry shites… sorry so many spelling mistakes 😬

So say we put a post on Facebook and he’s seen this… he will still call 20 plus times. Or perhaps he knows in advance we are off to a concert… yep still calls. He even woke my new born baby up calling at 1:30 pissed!

we’ve stopped advertising where we are going 😬

Thanks for your honesty. It’s so hard as I’ve just had a baby and feel like is it just me being over dramatic but it feels horrible living like this

No way would I marry into this family. Plus I'd only continue a relationship with your DP if he goes NC with his brother.

Thank you for your honesty. I feel so torn on splitting him from his sibling. I was raised separately from my sibling as I was in kinship care and it just breaks my heart thinking of this relationship going. I’ve tried so hard to get him to like me (the BIL) but I feel lost and I can’t keep trying with someone this inauthentic, troubled and personality disordered

Why on earth wouldn’t your dp just block his number? Did he actually answer the phone to him at 1.30am? If so, why?

I see you’ve already had a baby together- oh dear! Another great reason for your dp to cut this lunatic off. He doesn’t have to necessarily have a big convo with him about it - you could just start withdrawing discreetly/not answering calls/“oh sorry, we’re really busy that day - no can do” etc. No amount of inheritance on this earth would make me put up with that - and I don’t understand why your dp would get disinherited anyway just by avoiding his pillock of a brother? If his parents would do that they are absolute arseholes too.

I think that the solution to this is practical rather than emotional. If he’s alcoholic then trying rational, calm discussions is going to be tricky.

youve written that you’ve stopped advertising that you’re going anywhere. In my opinion that’s the best approach by far. Can you find other ways of tackling other things he does in the same way? Eg he’s rude to you when you see him - reduce contact. He rings in the night - phones on silent. He has a drink problem - don’t meet anywhere that he can drink. Etc etc.

Im wondering if your partner would find it easier to get on board with this approach than he would with confrontation ?

Can you not just move away?

Big bro is very insecure. Any chance he has a different biological father?

I had similar with an ex but it was his older half sister who was the problem. I went completely grey rock with the whole family but that just infuriated her, & she switched from trying to get ex's attention to activity trying to split us up. His family was cult like too - completely enmeshed. Hence he's an ex. I had to walk away for the sake of my MH, I was heartbroken. I hadn't realised what a toll it had all taken until I escaped. I was like a different person after a few months. I think if I'd have stayed around longer I'd have turned as toxic & bitter as them eventually, & I'd have been welcomed into the fold then!

Thanks for the advice. I think you’re right… why did he answer the phone? That’s what hurts. The baby was (and this is brutal honesty) a mistake. I was due to finish things with him because I couldn’t take the family anymore and I ended up pregnant which is my own fault. I love the baby to absolute bits and I love my partner but I just can’t deal with this. I think a behavioural approach is the way to go. He’d be disinherited because if you don’t do what ‘daddy says’ you’re out.

I think this is why the brother drinks. He’s trying to escape from dads control. And in terms of moving… we did live. 2.5 hours away but as I said to my partner, you can move physically but mentally they are still here… every fucking day…

Thanks for sharing your experience of the toxic in-laws. It’s horrible and claustrophobic. It really is like a cult

You can move further and restrict contact.

With regards to his dad… he’s his fathers name sake as in they have the same name but unfortunately in I think his own eyes and certainly his dads he will never live up to expectations. Ironically my partner is in a similar job to his dad etc. I think there is some jealousy there but it’s just my thought really, I could never prove that

It’s a good idea. If I go
through with this… I will definitely be employing every strategy I’ve read so far. And by the way… I’ve only just learnt how to reply properly so apologies to everyone else 👍🏻

Just seen you've got baby.....yes get married.
Then put a plan together to both escape the crazy family.
If this doesn't work you can just separate.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I am going to think long and hard about this. I am ok ish with the idea of divorce although I’ve never been married but I think getting divorced and having a child out of wedlock would literally kill my partner so I’ve got to think if I do this… it’s on the basis I can work through it

Ah you're in a bind OP. you've got a baby together and you love him, arguably that's your headline. But...his family...

I wonder is he fully aware of your feelings on this, could you maybe give it one more shot at laying some emotional ground rules and for him to re-affirm his committment to you first and foremost and his family second?

Me neither

Dont do it!!