To ask my sister to help my elderly mum a bit more?

[Heatherland77]

My mum is nearly 80 and has become very frail since my stepdad passed away last year. She is very hard to communicate with, has always been extremely pessimistic and self absorbed and constantly says "What?" after I've tried to say something to her. She's incapable of looking after herself now and we are desperate for a live in carer to start next week. Thank goodness!
There is some history here regarding my sister. My biological father was abusive and violent towards me as a child and finally wrote me out of his will after my mum made me cease all contact with him. My mum did not very much to protect me from the violence and there was enough evidence to prosecute him. I lost patches of my hair from age 4 with the shock and I've continuously suffered hair loss. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and manage symptoms as best I can.
My sister inherited all the money from my father whilst knowing how I had been treated. She did not consider giving me part of the money. My mum stayed out of the situation. I still see this as a deep injustice and deep down, I have zero trust for either of them. My sister hasn't bothered to spend much time with mum over the last twenty years except when she can get a few freebies or free babysitting out of my mum and stepdad. Not my circus or monkeys however.
As my mum is now needing POA (she has no idea what she is doing with her finances at all), I have decided to stay out of it and give all responsibility to my sister. She is an accountant so let her do the numbers.
However..... she's hardly contactable, seems to take forever to organise anything for mum, isn't always responsive to urgent questions and is full of big talk about getting things done for mum and nothing manifests. In the time she's talked up bringing her husband over to fix a gate, I've redecorated a room for a live in carer, arranged social interaction for mum, supervised a bathroom adaptation (so she can wash again, she wasn't) and purchased items to support her. I estimate if I'd charged for the activities I've done, it would be about £6,000. Oh and I've fixed the gate.
Today I have emailed her a record of all receipts, transactions and activities carried out. I have also registered myself as an official carer with mum's GP so that my time and contributions are formally acknowledged.
AIBU to ask my sister to start taking over a bit more now? Apart from the odd supermarket online order, not much is being done on her side. I am frazzled and have literally put my life on hold to make sure mum is safe.

You can ask, but it doesn't sound like she will. And frankly, why should she? It's admirable what you have done for your mum, but no one should feel obliged to do that much.

I’m wondering why you’re bothered about making sure your mother is safe when she didn’t do the same for you as a child.

OK. Hard as it sounds, you need to stop spending your money. Or at least stop expecting to have your costs reimbursed. Your sister, as the Attorney, did not okay or agree to the actions you took, so therefore you may wish she will pay but she isn't obliged to. I am so sorry.

Please try to step back, I know it is hard. Your sister needs to be co-ordinating all the 'stuff' - unless you can get yourself named as joint PoA.

You can ask but she is in no way obligated.

Sounds like she failed as a mother and this is a consequence

She isn’t going to step up. Why should she - you are doing everything needed and currently not costing either her or your mum anything.
If you don’t want to do it, walk away and don’t do anything for your mum. If you carry on, then realise and come to terms with the fact that your sister and her husband will not help in any way - regardless of their relationship with your mum/yourself ir their abilities to help. They will not change.

I should clarify it is my mum who has given me an advance payment to cover costs.
You are right, I could walk away but my mum wouldn't survive a month on her own.

I'm doing the work so I have evidence to make a challenge to a will should I be written out again.

That's not your problem OP. She should have planned for her old age- she isn't your responsibility.

Thank you, I actually agree with you.
Think I need the permission to step away now.
It really helps to read that.

Why would you be written out of the will?

The fact you're doing all this for a woman who may have already written you out of her will is madness.

You want to martyr yourself do it. But don't be mad at people who know their worth and hold boundaries.

You need to be really careful, it might appear that you have coerced a substantial amount of money from a person without capacity (I see you have kept receipts and logs and whatnot, sensibly)

Once the live in carers are in place, you can step back, knowing mum is safe.

You need to communicate with each other. If you are doing the mug work why allow her to have power of attorney? You're the one doing the hard work! Also I light of your childhood you don't owe your mother anything. She's very lucky that you have stuck around to have helped, many wouldn't have.

I am only saying this because

1. ''As my mum is now needing POA (she has no idea what she is doing with her finances at all)''

2. ''I should clarify it is my mum who has given me an advance payment to cover costs.''

I do not impute dishonesty in you. You are a dutiful daughter. But I urge caution.

If you were abused, the odds are that your sister was as well. She likely has very mixed feelings about your mother who also failed to protect her. Expecting her to be a hands on carer is completely unreasonable

i would recommend you ask you sister to suggest your mother switch poa
to you, but I just can’t. Anyone who mentions the will as motivation for actions can’t be trusted with access to the accounts.

I would have walked away from them both a very long time
ago

i won’t be looking after my mother when she’s old
and I won’t feel a dash of guilt

Does your sister have PoA already?
You can both have it. My sister & I had PoA for both parents. My parents did have to have capacity to agree to PoA. Luckily, we did it a few years ago before they lost that capacity

My sister & I share as much of the load as possible for our parents. Despite my sister living a 4 hour drive away & me being 2 mins away. (Till parents went into a home recently)

However, as your sister has not been helping you I think you are OK to tell her she now has to. It is really hard work looking after elderly parents. You still have your own family & yourself to look after, you can't do everything. It definitely seems time your sister stepped up.

Your mother didn’t protect you, I really don’t understand why you’re doing anything for her. Parents that fail their children need to deal with the consequences.

Tell Her?
And how do you suggest she makes another adult do this?

I’d tell you that's not happening. The sister doesn’t ‘have to’ do anything. There’s no obligation either if this woman has been a great mum.

EVEN if

I don’t think being the dutiful daughter will count for anything if she wrote her will and cut you out while she was deemed competent. In fact if could be seen as you were trying to take advantage. If she needs a power of attorney she can’t of given the ok for you spend her funds.

odds are your sister was likely abused too either by dad or mum combined thus she has also stepped way way back.

So what? She left you to sort out your own survival age 4.

If you were treating her fairly, you would 'stay out of the situation' and leave her and your sister to it.

I was abused as a child and finally managed to walk away from her aged 47. My Mum is a cockroach though and has last lasted way more than a month without me.

She wouldn't be on her own.
Your sister would have to take over - she's the one with POA.

My sister hasn't bothered to spend much time with mum over the last twenty years except when she can get a few freebies or free babysitting out of my mum and stepdad.
So your mum wouldn't be on her own anyway - or have I misinterpreted - is your stepdad still around?

I am so sorry for all you suffered as a child. And that neither your mum or sister did right by you. You don't have to be The Good One now - you need to look after yourself - because your mother & sister certainly don't have your back.

Did you or your sister organise financing the live in carer?